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"I-- Is it... Am I arrogant if I... am... if I like... who I am?"
"No," Jedao says gently, yet firmly. "I'm arrogant because I think I'm smarter than everybody. But in my defense, I am smarter than everybody."
He says it dryly; in a different, less fraught conversation he would be laughing at himself. He knows he isn't always smarter than everybody. But...he still feels it sometimes.
He swallows, and the little bit of levity slips away.
"When you really don't like yourself...it's a pain that coils and gnaws and fucks you up. You can be good in spite of it, but I don't think it makes anybody better. I don't want you to feel that way."
He says it dryly; in a different, less fraught conversation he would be laughing at himself. He knows he isn't always smarter than everybody. But...he still feels it sometimes.
He swallows, and the little bit of levity slips away.
"When you really don't like yourself...it's a pain that coils and gnaws and fucks you up. You can be good in spite of it, but I don't think it makes anybody better. I don't want you to feel that way."
Edited 2024-03-10 03:49 (UTC)
"I think I do. I-I mean, not all the time. Not... when I did those things. Some other times. But I... like... being. I like being, the way I am." His tone is quietly self-conscious. "It's different than when I got here."
"I'm glad that you like who you are, and who you're becoming. It's better."
As he knows from experience.
"That's not the most important reason why I don't want you to torture anyone again. But it's one of the reasons. I like you being the way you are, too."
As he knows from experience.
"That's not the most important reason why I don't want you to torture anyone again. But it's one of the reasons. I like you being the way you are, too."
"Is that right, honey?" Jedao rumbles, his already-low voice dropping another half-octave, rumbling in his throat right below where John is nuzzling him. Jedao lets John take the bowl, too, the better to stroke a slow, idle hand down his spine.
"How do you want to feel better?"
"How do you want to feel better?"
Edited 2024-03-10 21:09 (UTC)
"Can... Can I ask you... something else? It's not... It's about what to do, how to do the right thing when someone doesn't want you to help them."
If your side of things is harder for me to understand, then that means I have to work harder.
It also means I'd like you to tell me what your goals are. What do you want out of this arrangement?
It also means I'd like you to tell me what your goals are. What do you want out of this arrangement?
"You can. But I don't think the topic of torture is...quickly dispensed with. I have other questions about that. We can talk about them now, or later."
That's up to Edwin.
That's up to Edwin.
I want to be able to talk to Shaw without it becoming an argument. And without being the only one adapting or making concessions; it’s a two way street.
Mmm, that's so nice. The feel of it against his cheek and jaw and how it sounds so close and the feel of Jedao's hands on him.
I already do. I just... like being with you. I like knowing that when all the emotion wells up in my chest, I can just kiss you. Or when you make a certain sound and I know how to make you feel even better, I can. You should know that you're wonderful to be with.
I already do. I just... like being with you. I like knowing that when all the emotion wells up in my chest, I can just kiss you. Or when you make a certain sound and I know how to make you feel even better, I can. You should know that you're wonderful to be with.
"John Doe, are you calling me easy?" Jedao asks, voice warm through a broad, sly grin.
Yes.
And there's not a hint of a pause on that.
You're so easy to be with. Sometimes, I worry about it, but then I realize you wouldn't want me to and that part of it is that I trust you to tell me if there's something you don't want and it's easier not to worry.
And there's not a hint of a pause on that.
You're so easy to be with. Sometimes, I worry about it, but then I realize you wouldn't want me to and that part of it is that I trust you to tell me if there's something you don't want and it's easier not to worry.
Jedao laughs softly. He likes being easy, in a warm squirmy way in the bottom of his stomach, but he's not surprised John thinks of it mostly in the nice way. He strokes a hand through John's hair.
"I would," he promises, because it's always nice to have another little reassurance, he figures. "I like being easy for you. I'm trying to figure out if I should stay mellow or escalate. Tell me what you want most so I don't fret about it."
"I would," he promises, because it's always nice to have another little reassurance, he figures. "I like being easy for you. I'm trying to figure out if I should stay mellow or escalate. Tell me what you want most so I don't fret about it."
He'll take a moment to lean into the touches, to enjoy them thoroughly, before he opens his eyes again and looks to Jedao.
"What's 'escalate', in this case?"
He can guess but this is still so very new. Better to ask.
"What's 'escalate', in this case?"
He can guess but this is still so very new. Better to ask.
"You so like to get a reaction," Jedao muses. "I was wondering if I should teach you how I like my cock sucked." He massages the back of John's neck a little, hands heavy and reminiscent of their first encounter.
Jedao will get to watch the spark light up in his eyes; he is absolutely right.
"I like to watch you experience things," he says, because when so much of your existence was watching and not doing or feeling or smelling or tasting, 'voyeur' is less of a result and more of an only option. It just hasn't gone anywhere since he got those other options.
He nods.
"I would like that, yes." A pause. "...we'd have to pause the drama."
"I like to watch you experience things," he says, because when so much of your existence was watching and not doing or feeling or smelling or tasting, 'voyeur' is less of a result and more of an only option. It just hasn't gone anywhere since he got those other options.
He nods.
"I would like that, yes." A pause. "...we'd have to pause the drama."
Jedao already had it on low volume, since neither of them were paying attention; he laughs as it flicks off at an command from his augment.
"If you can bear to wait," Jedao teases. "Who will Vneth give his favor to? The stakes have never been higher."
He presses a soft kiss to John's temple.
"Are you in me already? I want you to feel how good you make me feel."
"If you can bear to wait," Jedao teases. "Who will Vneth give his favor to? The stakes have never been higher."
He presses a soft kiss to John's temple.
"Are you in me already? I want you to feel how good you make me feel."
There's something sweetly amusing that Jedao's never felt the awkwardness with language that most people do about the way he shares with people, how he slides into their senses, into the cracks between their pieces to be with them.
He nods to the question.
"I figured you'd enjoy the grapes more that way."
He nods to the question.
"I figured you'd enjoy the grapes more that way."
"I'm sure I will. I guess you ought to feed me some," Jedao suggests, waggling his eyebrows shamelessly.
That earns him a bright huff that turns into a sinister chuckle and a few more smudged kisses as a delicate little tentacle plucks up a small collection of grapes to lift them over. He'll transfer one to his fingers to offer it up to Jedao, the thumb sliding gently along the lower lip.
He closes his eyes, sucking on John's fingertips for a few self-indulgent moments before bursting the grape between his back teeth; John gets the fresh sweetness of it juxtaposed with the harsh metal-mineral bitterness of Jedao's anatomy parsing something in the fruit as not food, that nevertheless picks up grace notes of the grape's tannins, along with a little rill of unreasonable delight from Jedao. It's so unexpected, every time, a warm visceral shock, eating something and being completely free of even a hint of awfulness. The juicy texture of the grape unmarred, for him, with any flavor at all, as lovely and restful as a blank white page.
Alright.
Being 'solution oriented,' as you put it - I consider that a matter of clarity. My goal in this is to help the two of you achieve whatever kind of accord you're seeking. If there's something else, later, that you want me to consider under that umbrella, let me know.
I have told her once before that she was being unreasonable about you. It was before we really connected at all. It's true that I don't always understand you right away, but that doesn't mean I'll automatically be 'on her side'.
Being 'solution oriented,' as you put it - I consider that a matter of clarity. My goal in this is to help the two of you achieve whatever kind of accord you're seeking. If there's something else, later, that you want me to consider under that umbrella, let me know.
I have told her once before that she was being unreasonable about you. It was before we really connected at all. It's true that I don't always understand you right away, but that doesn't mean I'll automatically be 'on her side'.
His ears flick back and go a little flat as he hunkers guiltily. It's as unintentional, as instinctive a reaction as his crown-and-robes splitting off extra tentacles when he's agitated.
"I-It kind of... relates. A little. Sort of. Maybe. I mean, it doesn't, but--"
He's not supposed to tell, he's not supposed to tell. "What... what do you do if someone you really care about had something horrible happen to them, something that... that they shouldn't have to carry alone, but... but they won't talk to you because they don't want to upset... you, telling you about things th-that you... feel... responsible for happening, even if it wasn't your fault. And they won't talk to A-- Another person, because they don't want him... them.... to feel bad either, because they'll blame themselves, maybe. Definitely. And they won't talk to even the person you told them they should because they don't want that person to have bad feelings about me-- you--"
Hang on he's confusing himself at this point. "I'm not supposed to tell anyone about bad things that happened to someone, but he won't talk to anyone about them either, and he... he should."
"I-It kind of... relates. A little. Sort of. Maybe. I mean, it doesn't, but--"
He's not supposed to tell, he's not supposed to tell. "What... what do you do if someone you really care about had something horrible happen to them, something that... that they shouldn't have to carry alone, but... but they won't talk to you because they don't want to upset... you, telling you about things th-that you... feel... responsible for happening, even if it wasn't your fault. And they won't talk to A-- Another person, because they don't want him... them.... to feel bad either, because they'll blame themselves, maybe. Definitely. And they won't talk to even the person you told them they should because they don't want that person to have bad feelings about me-- you--"
Hang on he's confusing himself at this point. "I'm not supposed to tell anyone about bad things that happened to someone, but he won't talk to anyone about them either, and he... he should."
Well. There's a lot of different tangled threads there.
"Even if this person should talk to someone, you can't...make someone be ready to trust painful things. And if they're already struggling with that, then trying to force it will be worse. You can offer and encourage and suggest, but sometimes...sometimes even with people we love very much, we have to accept that we can't always fix everything. Especially not right away."
In the subharmonic gravitational hum of mothspeech he adds, I might check in on some of my friends soon, though. Hypothetically. Coincidentally.
Accepting that he can't fix something is not Jedao's strong suit, either.
"Even if this person should talk to someone, you can't...make someone be ready to trust painful things. And if they're already struggling with that, then trying to force it will be worse. You can offer and encourage and suggest, but sometimes...sometimes even with people we love very much, we have to accept that we can't always fix everything. Especially not right away."
In the subharmonic gravitational hum of mothspeech he adds, I might check in on some of my friends soon, though. Hypothetically. Coincidentally.
Accepting that he can't fix something is not Jedao's strong suit, either.
"I don't think it's... trust, the problem," he says, softly, relief in his tone for that hypothetical that thrums through parts of the air that don't truly carry sound. "He just... doesn't want anyone else to hurt. He doesn't want anyone else to hurt because of him, so he keeps all the hurting to himself."
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