"No," Jedao says gently, yet firmly. "I'm arrogant because I think I'm smarter than everybody. But in my defense, I am smarter than everybody."
He says it dryly; in a different, less fraught conversation he would be laughing at himself. He knows he isn't always smarter than everybody. But...he still feels it sometimes.
He swallows, and the little bit of levity slips away.
"When you really don't like yourself...it's a pain that coils and gnaws and fucks you up. You can be good in spite of it, but I don't think it makes anybody better. I don't want you to feel that way."
"I think I do. I-I mean, not all the time. Not... when I did those things. Some other times. But I... like... being. I like being, the way I am." His tone is quietly self-conscious. "It's different than when I got here."
"I'm glad that you like who you are, and who you're becoming. It's better."
As he knows from experience.
"That's not the most important reason why I don't want you to torture anyone again. But it's one of the reasons. I like you being the way you are, too."
"You can. But I don't think the topic of torture is...quickly dispensed with. I have other questions about that. We can talk about them now, or later."
His ears flick back and go a little flat as he hunkers guiltily. It's as unintentional, as instinctive a reaction as his crown-and-robes splitting off extra tentacles when he's agitated.
"I-It kind of... relates. A little. Sort of. Maybe. I mean, it doesn't, but--"
He's not supposed to tell, he's not supposed to tell. "What... what do you do if someone you really care about had something horrible happen to them, something that... that they shouldn't have to carry alone, but... but they won't talk to you because they don't want to upset... you, telling you about things th-that you... feel... responsible for happening, even if it wasn't your fault. And they won't talk to A-- Another person, because they don't want him... them.... to feel bad either, because they'll blame themselves, maybe. Definitely. And they won't talk to even the person you told them they should because they don't want that person to have bad feelings about me-- you--"
Hang on he's confusing himself at this point. "I'm not supposed to tell anyone about bad things that happened to someone, but he won't talk to anyone about them either, and he... he should."
Well. There's a lot of different tangled threads there.
"Even if this person should talk to someone, you can't...make someone be ready to trust painful things. And if they're already struggling with that, then trying to force it will be worse. You can offer and encourage and suggest, but sometimes...sometimes even with people we love very much, we have to accept that we can't always fix everything. Especially not right away."
In the subharmonic gravitational hum of mothspeech he adds, I might check in on some of my friends soon, though. Hypothetically. Coincidentally.
Accepting that he can't fix something is not Jedao's strong suit, either.
"I don't think it's... trust, the problem," he says, softly, relief in his tone for that hypothetical that thrums through parts of the air that don't truly carry sound. "He just... doesn't want anyone else to hurt. He doesn't want anyone else to hurt because of him, so he keeps all the hurting to himself."
He makes a soft, understanding noise at that. A shiver, and Edwin goes nosing at the base of Jedao's sweater before using another extra limb to lift it and try to snuggle underneath.
"When I got Roman for a warden... He showed me I hadn't actually... I hadn't hurt people, many people. Not really. Not before the barge, when I had my own body. I-I mean, I did, as the King I did, but... me, then, I'd only really hurt... Arthur."
A pause, and he continues more quietly. "Then I killed Chase and Collins."
He's strangely glad that Roman had gone before the last one.
"You aren't responsible for everything that happened before you. But it can still be hard to learn new instincts, sometimes. I did things - things like Jedao One would do, that I didn't like, when I was figuring myself out, too."
Jedao swallows. "He killed so many people. And then he was killed in the middle of trying to do something good, but maybe doing it in a way where a lot of people still got hurt, but...I don't know if he had any other ways to do it. And then he came here, and eventually he graduated. He went to a different world with people he met here. He wants me to come with him, when I leave."
Jedao still isn't sure whether he plans to take him up on it.
He wants me to come, Jedao says, and all at once Edwin is glad they aren't sharing mental space right now. It makes him ache in the same places that hurt after his talk with Arthur, right before the darkness. The places that hurt when he realized, or accepted, or whatever it was, that Arthur will never be glad he exists.
"If you do go... you don't have to stay. If it's not where you want to be. If you can't have an orchard there with Hakkai."
"I know," Jedao murmurs. "He'd give me a whole planet for orchards if I asked, probably. He tried to come get me right after he graduated. I was so mad, that the one person who wanted me was the only person it had been - safe to hate. So I came here to be a warden instead."
Since the day of the communicator glitch, at least, the offer has been fermenting slowly at the back of his mind. All those little brothers. Magic lessons with Quentin. A world where aliens aren't strange.
"He's - he wants to be my dad. I didn't understand how much that meant, before I met you. He'd adore you. I bet he wants a grandson so bad."
"He'd be lucky if you said yes to him," he says with total confidence. He believes that, one hundred percent. Not so much because of the grandson, thing, but Jedao as his son? Yes. "But you can... know him first. Before you choose. Can't you? You don't really yet, right? You know what he... was."
"He's not like John. He's still just...him. Except I guess he's made enough different choices to graduate."
Like Godric, says part of his mind, unhelpfully.
"I've gotten to talk to him twice. If I wanted to get to know him, I'd have to go. I'd have to decide to give him a chance. Would...would you maybe want to come with us? When you're free?"
When. When he's free. The faith is both uplifting and daunting. He rests his head against Jedao to listen to his insides move, the sound soothing to him in a way he can't easily explain.
"Yes," he says, quietly. "John and Arthur... are in a different timeline now. And John..."
He stops. John told Edwin his feelings. He told him why the answer couldn't just be yes. He believes his brother. He does. But also--
"There are things John and Arthur don't tell me. Won't tell me. Maybe never will."
He doesn't breathe, but somehow the words still feel tight anyway. Like it's hard to push the sounds out. "I can't... I won't be happy if I go... and all I ever get to be is... outside."
He doesn't know that there would be anyone else, after all. Just John, and Arthur, and maybe the other Yellow, the one who actually remembers what that Arthur said and did. He doesn't know about Parker. Has no clue about Faroe.
And there's the other Yellow. Someone he wants to help and also hates for taking his place.
Jedao can't help it; he's already holding Edwin, but he squeezes him so tight. It feels like Edwin must be able to feel Jedao's false heart pounding against his false ribs.
"I don't want you to feel outside. I want you to come with me so I can love you up close always. I want you to let me write your name after ours in Xie Lian's family book, Cho Hakkai, Cho Jedao, and Cho Edwin. I want you to come with me to a world where none us are weird, where all of us can have friends in any form we want, because aliens with all kinds of limbs and shapes are already everywhere. I want you to meet my best friend who's a machine shaped like a snake who loves music and bad dramas. We'll find a way you can visit John, and even Arthur if he promises to be nice, but I want you to come with us, please."
Positioned under his sweater as Edwin is at this point, Jedao will get to experience the probably profoundly weird sensation of Edwin's face pressed against him as he starts to cry. The cool gel-like feel of the blobby against bare skin gets streaked with even colder little stripes as the oddity of Edwin's tears trickle over his face and sink back into his skin underneath his chin.
"Can--" His voice breaks softly on the one word. "Can we bring the other Yellow too, maybe, if he wants to come?"
"If you want him to come, and he wants to come," Jedao agrees. "I can't promise I'll know how to love him like I love you. But I promise he'll be welcome."
"It's okay, I think." Soft and sincere and pained all at once. "That's okay. He won't... know, anyway, what being loved is like. I just don't want him to be... lonely. To feel like being lonely is the only choice he can have. He can find a family too, make one for himself, but I want him to be... safe. Safe to look and know they want him too."
"Ours is pretty big," Jedao says, and the only thing that's tentative about it is calling it our family, his and Lao Jedao's, the connection he's never sure how much he wants to lean on.
"There's your grandfathers here. But Jedao One has two husbands and a girlfriend and thirty-seven other kids, and Fives has a million clone brothers. So...there'd even be lots of people who understand being...almost exactly the same, but still your own people. There'd be lots of room for him."
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He says it dryly; in a different, less fraught conversation he would be laughing at himself. He knows he isn't always smarter than everybody. But...he still feels it sometimes.
He swallows, and the little bit of levity slips away.
"When you really don't like yourself...it's a pain that coils and gnaws and fucks you up. You can be good in spite of it, but I don't think it makes anybody better. I don't want you to feel that way."
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As he knows from experience.
"That's not the most important reason why I don't want you to torture anyone again. But it's one of the reasons. I like you being the way you are, too."
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That's up to Edwin.
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"I-It kind of... relates. A little. Sort of. Maybe. I mean, it doesn't, but--"
He's not supposed to tell, he's not supposed to tell. "What... what do you do if someone you really care about had something horrible happen to them, something that... that they shouldn't have to carry alone, but... but they won't talk to you because they don't want to upset... you, telling you about things th-that you... feel... responsible for happening, even if it wasn't your fault. And they won't talk to A-- Another person, because they don't want him... them.... to feel bad either, because they'll blame themselves, maybe. Definitely. And they won't talk to even the person you told them they should because they don't want that person to have bad feelings about me-- you--"
Hang on he's confusing himself at this point. "I'm not supposed to tell anyone about bad things that happened to someone, but he won't talk to anyone about them either, and he... he should."
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"Even if this person should talk to someone, you can't...make someone be ready to trust painful things. And if they're already struggling with that, then trying to force it will be worse. You can offer and encourage and suggest, but sometimes...sometimes even with people we love very much, we have to accept that we can't always fix everything. Especially not right away."
In the subharmonic gravitational hum of mothspeech he adds, I might check in on some of my friends soon, though. Hypothetically. Coincidentally.
Accepting that he can't fix something is not Jedao's strong suit, either.
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It's hard for Jedao sometimes, too. Less so nowadays.
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"When I got Roman for a warden... He showed me I hadn't actually... I hadn't hurt people, many people. Not really. Not before the barge, when I had my own body. I-I mean, I did, as the King I did, but... me, then, I'd only really hurt... Arthur."
A pause, and he continues more quietly. "Then I killed Chase and Collins."
He's strangely glad that Roman had gone before the last one.
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Jedao still isn't sure whether he plans to take him up on it.
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"If you do go... you don't have to stay. If it's not where you want to be. If you can't have an orchard there with Hakkai."
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Since the day of the communicator glitch, at least, the offer has been fermenting slowly at the back of his mind. All those little brothers. Magic lessons with Quentin. A world where aliens aren't strange.
"He's - he wants to be my dad. I didn't understand how much that meant, before I met you. He'd adore you. I bet he wants a grandson so bad."
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Like Godric, says part of his mind, unhelpfully.
"I've gotten to talk to him twice. If I wanted to get to know him, I'd have to go. I'd have to decide to give him a chance. Would...would you maybe want to come with us? When you're free?"
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"Yes," he says, quietly. "John and Arthur... are in a different timeline now. And John..."
He stops. John told Edwin his feelings. He told him why the answer couldn't just be yes. He believes his brother. He does. But also--
"There are things John and Arthur don't tell me. Won't tell me. Maybe never will."
He doesn't breathe, but somehow the words still feel tight anyway. Like it's hard to push the sounds out. "I can't... I won't be happy if I go... and all I ever get to be is... outside."
He doesn't know that there would be anyone else, after all. Just John, and Arthur, and maybe the other Yellow, the one who actually remembers what that Arthur said and did. He doesn't know about Parker. Has no clue about Faroe.
And there's the other Yellow. Someone he wants to help and also hates for taking his place.
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"I don't want you to feel outside. I want you to come with me so I can love you up close always. I want you to let me write your name after ours in Xie Lian's family book, Cho Hakkai, Cho Jedao, and Cho Edwin. I want you to come with me to a world where none us are weird, where all of us can have friends in any form we want, because aliens with all kinds of limbs and shapes are already everywhere. I want you to meet my best friend who's a machine shaped like a snake who loves music and bad dramas. We'll find a way you can visit John, and even Arthur if he promises to be nice, but I want you to come with us, please."
Please don't take my sunshine away.
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"Can--" His voice breaks softly on the one word. "Can we bring the other Yellow too, maybe, if he wants to come?"
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"There's your grandfathers here. But Jedao One has two husbands and a girlfriend and thirty-seven other kids, and Fives has a million clone brothers. So...there'd even be lots of people who understand being...almost exactly the same, but still your own people. There'd be lots of room for him."
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