[Neal isn't sure he'll get an answer, but he wants to try at least. If he's going to make this a part of what he does on board, he has to be willing to do it.]
Hi, Jedao. I... It's Neal.
[AN AWKWARD PAUSE.]
I wanted to start by saying I'm sorry I... hung up on you, the other day. I--
[He stops again. His heart is fucking racing, god.]
I didn't have the chance to thank you. For saying what you did, for apologizing about getting caught up in arguing with me about the whole. Bathroom thing, and for acknowledging why people like-- [A note of wry amusement edges into his tone.] Why people like me and Kikimora might make noise when we feel like we can't do anything else that matters.
[Another pause. An unsteady breath.]
Look, I-- You're-- [ANOTHER!!! Pause.]
I fucked up with Arthur once. Badly. I was trying make him understand something, the way I felt about something, before we really knew each other well, and I did it in the most ham-fisted and dismissive possible way and earned the chewing out he gave me. Because... we didn't know each other. You... told me a lot, about yourself. On Halloween, at the Halloween party. And I did the thing I keep pointing out in other people, where I was so attached to the thought I was trying to illustrate, the point I was trying to prove, that I didn't give that the weight and space and honor the trust deserved. I'm sorry for that. Very, very sorry.
I told Arthur after that... a lot. Kind of everything, really, all the reasons that this place is so hard for me sometimes. I don't hate it here. I love the family I've made. I love taking my coffee up onto the deck in the morning and drinking it under starscapes I would never have the chance to see if I was on earth. I love the possibilities, I love the sheer enormous weight of potential that opens up when you think about where we are and how we got here. I love...
[His voice drops.] I love that I've had a chance to try and figure out who I even am, away from the place and people that made me someone who's greatest skill, whose greatest value was being nobody at all, being whoever they needed whenever they needed.
But the things that happened to me on board-- [He pauses, less halting and more weighted and thoughtful this time.] They don't have to be that way. That potential, it's all here, we can do so much, we can experiment and find ideas and try ways to do and be better. All of us. What happened to me shouldn't have happened. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it shouldn't happen at all. I wanted, when that happened, all I wanted was for someone to listen. I didn't ultimately care if Dorian actually got punished. I just wanted someone to tell me, unequivocally, without defending him or the situation or the barge, that it was cruel and senseless and shouldn't have been that way. I just wanted someone to hear me.
And the blowup with Kikimora--she smashed dishes and ripped clothes and people were calling for blood. Nothing happened, no. But the noise was still made. The wardens involved were still leading the charge. And in terms of, of, of publicity, of public relations, things like that are important. Nothing happened, but the people on the outside don't all know that, and any inmate who sees wardens calling for retribution over laundry dumped on the floor-- It's not a crisis. But it makes the job of every warden on board harder, because every inmate that sees that has less reason to expect we'll care when they're the ones in trouble. And when you set that next to the overwhelming attitude that murder is just a fact of life, it creates a dynamic that begs inmates not to trust us. Perception drives reality. If the perception is that we care more about disrupted lunch service than someone being slaughtered, the reality becomes one where collective trust is a delusional choice.
That's... why this is so important to me. It's why I'm going to do it, why I'm going to ask the Admiral for a dedicated office space and somewhere to serve as a space for mediation if people need strictly neutral territory and can't find it somewhere else. Zerxus is going to help me. I'm going to ask Xie Lian as well, once I've talked to the Admiral, and I'm going to ask Reid and John Doe to be on back-up rotation. For starters. And I want-- If you're interested, and I get why you wouldn't be, but if you are, I think you'd be good at it. I think we. We probably need to do some talking, probably a lot of talking, and I asked Zerxus if he'd help with that, too. But if this sounds like something you'd want to be a part of, I hope you will be.
23rdish?? audio;
Hi, Jedao. I... It's Neal.
[AN AWKWARD PAUSE.]
I wanted to start by saying I'm sorry I... hung up on you, the other day. I--
[He stops again. His heart is fucking racing, god.]
I didn't have the chance to thank you. For saying what you did, for apologizing about getting caught up in arguing with me about the whole. Bathroom thing, and for acknowledging why people like-- [A note of wry amusement edges into his tone.] Why people like me and Kikimora might make noise when we feel like we can't do anything else that matters.
[Another pause. An unsteady breath.]
Look, I-- You're-- [ANOTHER!!! Pause.]
I fucked up with Arthur once. Badly. I was trying make him understand something, the way I felt about something, before we really knew each other well, and I did it in the most ham-fisted and dismissive possible way and earned the chewing out he gave me. Because... we didn't know each other. You... told me a lot, about yourself. On Halloween, at the Halloween party. And I did the thing I keep pointing out in other people, where I was so attached to the thought I was trying to illustrate, the point I was trying to prove, that I didn't give that the weight and space and honor the trust deserved. I'm sorry for that. Very, very sorry.
I told Arthur after that... a lot. Kind of everything, really, all the reasons that this place is so hard for me sometimes. I don't hate it here. I love the family I've made. I love taking my coffee up onto the deck in the morning and drinking it under starscapes I would never have the chance to see if I was on earth. I love the possibilities, I love the sheer enormous weight of potential that opens up when you think about where we are and how we got here. I love...
[His voice drops.] I love that I've had a chance to try and figure out who I even am, away from the place and people that made me someone who's greatest skill, whose greatest value was being nobody at all, being whoever they needed whenever they needed.
But the things that happened to me on board-- [He pauses, less halting and more weighted and thoughtful this time.] They don't have to be that way. That potential, it's all here, we can do so much, we can experiment and find ideas and try ways to do and be better. All of us. What happened to me shouldn't have happened. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it shouldn't happen at all. I wanted, when that happened, all I wanted was for someone to listen. I didn't ultimately care if Dorian actually got punished. I just wanted someone to tell me, unequivocally, without defending him or the situation or the barge, that it was cruel and senseless and shouldn't have been that way. I just wanted someone to hear me.
And the blowup with Kikimora--she smashed dishes and ripped clothes and people were calling for blood. Nothing happened, no. But the noise was still made. The wardens involved were still leading the charge. And in terms of, of, of publicity, of public relations, things like that are important. Nothing happened, but the people on the outside don't all know that, and any inmate who sees wardens calling for retribution over laundry dumped on the floor-- It's not a crisis. But it makes the job of every warden on board harder, because every inmate that sees that has less reason to expect we'll care when they're the ones in trouble. And when you set that next to the overwhelming attitude that murder is just a fact of life, it creates a dynamic that begs inmates not to trust us. Perception drives reality. If the perception is that we care more about disrupted lunch service than someone being slaughtered, the reality becomes one where collective trust is a delusional choice.
That's... why this is so important to me. It's why I'm going to do it, why I'm going to ask the Admiral for a dedicated office space and somewhere to serve as a space for mediation if people need strictly neutral territory and can't find it somewhere else. Zerxus is going to help me. I'm going to ask Xie Lian as well, once I've talked to the Admiral, and I'm going to ask Reid and John Doe to be on back-up rotation. For starters. And I want-- If you're interested, and I get why you wouldn't be, but if you are, I think you'd be good at it. I think we. We probably need to do some talking, probably a lot of talking, and I asked Zerxus if he'd help with that, too. But if this sounds like something you'd want to be a part of, I hope you will be.