[Neal isn't sure he'll get an answer, but he wants to try at least. If he's going to make this a part of what he does on board, he has to be willing to do it.]
Hi, Jedao. I... It's Neal.
[AN AWKWARD PAUSE.]
I wanted to start by saying I'm sorry I... hung up on you, the other day. I--
[He stops again. His heart is fucking racing, god.]
I didn't have the chance to thank you. For saying what you did, for apologizing about getting caught up in arguing with me about the whole. Bathroom thing, and for acknowledging why people like-- [A note of wry amusement edges into his tone.] Why people like me and Kikimora might make noise when we feel like we can't do anything else that matters.
[Another pause. An unsteady breath.]
Look, I-- You're-- [ANOTHER!!! Pause.]
I fucked up with Arthur once. Badly. I was trying make him understand something, the way I felt about something, before we really knew each other well, and I did it in the most ham-fisted and dismissive possible way and earned the chewing out he gave me. Because... we didn't know each other. You... told me a lot, about yourself. On Halloween, at the Halloween party. And I did the thing I keep pointing out in other people, where I was so attached to the thought I was trying to illustrate, the point I was trying to prove, that I didn't give that the weight and space and honor the trust deserved. I'm sorry for that. Very, very sorry.
I told Arthur after that... a lot. Kind of everything, really, all the reasons that this place is so hard for me sometimes. I don't hate it here. I love the family I've made. I love taking my coffee up onto the deck in the morning and drinking it under starscapes I would never have the chance to see if I was on earth. I love the possibilities, I love the sheer enormous weight of potential that opens up when you think about where we are and how we got here. I love...
[His voice drops.] I love that I've had a chance to try and figure out who I even am, away from the place and people that made me someone who's greatest skill, whose greatest value was being nobody at all, being whoever they needed whenever they needed.
But the things that happened to me on board-- [He pauses, less halting and more weighted and thoughtful this time.] They don't have to be that way. That potential, it's all here, we can do so much, we can experiment and find ideas and try ways to do and be better. All of us. What happened to me shouldn't have happened. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it shouldn't happen at all. I wanted, when that happened, all I wanted was for someone to listen. I didn't ultimately care if Dorian actually got punished. I just wanted someone to tell me, unequivocally, without defending him or the situation or the barge, that it was cruel and senseless and shouldn't have been that way. I just wanted someone to hear me.
And the blowup with Kikimora--she smashed dishes and ripped clothes and people were calling for blood. Nothing happened, no. But the noise was still made. The wardens involved were still leading the charge. And in terms of, of, of publicity, of public relations, things like that are important. Nothing happened, but the people on the outside don't all know that, and any inmate who sees wardens calling for retribution over laundry dumped on the floor-- It's not a crisis. But it makes the job of every warden on board harder, because every inmate that sees that has less reason to expect we'll care when they're the ones in trouble. And when you set that next to the overwhelming attitude that murder is just a fact of life, it creates a dynamic that begs inmates not to trust us. Perception drives reality. If the perception is that we care more about disrupted lunch service than someone being slaughtered, the reality becomes one where collective trust is a delusional choice.
That's... why this is so important to me. It's why I'm going to do it, why I'm going to ask the Admiral for a dedicated office space and somewhere to serve as a space for mediation if people need strictly neutral territory and can't find it somewhere else. Zerxus is going to help me. I'm going to ask Xie Lian as well, once I've talked to the Admiral, and I'm going to ask Reid and John Doe to be on back-up rotation. For starters. And I want-- If you're interested, and I get why you wouldn't be, but if you are, I think you'd be good at it. I think we. We probably need to do some talking, probably a lot of talking, and I asked Zerxus if he'd help with that, too. But if this sounds like something you'd want to be a part of, I hope you will be.
[This so. So much. Not necessarily in terms of words, but just - Jedao was ready, is the thing. He had his arguments prepared, braced against any of a dozen different would-be diplomats trying to fix something that could simply, more kindly be left alone. He was practicing it in his head, drawing that boundary, for when Arthur or Eiffel or Shaw or - Malcolm, on the outside, maybe Norton, came to try and explain Neal's perspective, and ask him to apologize again.
No, he was going to say. I know you mean well, but absolutely not. The more I push the more I'm just going to hurt him, no matter how I try. Until Neal says out loud with his own human mouth that he wants to talk to me, my answer is no.
But here he is.]
You don't need to apologize for hanging up. I...
[His voice sounds a little bit lost.]
I hurt you. Again. I was trying to - do that. To say that I had heard you. But I got it wrong, and - and I don't. Entirely know where I went wrong, this time, but I'm sorry, for that, and. You don't have to explain it and you don't ever have to be sorry for getting away from someone who's hurting you.
You're right, that it shouldn't happen.
[He bites the inside of his cheek for a moment; his blood is as disgusting as ever, viscous and inky. He swallows it down compulsively.]
A thing, about me is - I'm a tactician. That's...what I'm for. Breaking things down. Predicting...paths of escalation, obstacles, counters. Seeing what will work and what won't. I don't know how this will work. But I do think it's worth trying. I didn't...expect you to want me anywhere near it, honestly.
[He laughs, a soft shaky two-breath sound. He's going to get to give Jesus such a smug I-Told-You-So, and he's Shuos enough to enjoy that prospect.]
If you....really want me to be there, then I will.
[He feels a little like a balloon that someone just let go of that didn't so much zoom around until it ran out of air as flew straight into the wall and dropped to the floor. His heart is still too fast, he still feels a little sick, but not in a way that makes him think he's actually going to throw up.]
I don't know why I... reacted that way, to be honest. [A soft admission.] There's a lot I don't know about why I react to things the way I do, a lot I don't understand about it, and I'm not sure how to be better at that. Maybe it's that everything with Dorian and the bathroom tantrums and everything was already... in the open. Already public. So it didn't feel dangerous to say it where people could see. I don't know.
[Neal gives a tiny, not-really-laugh.]
I am very much not a tactician unless we're talking about how to get in and out of a heavily alarmed and guarded museum with a painting twice my size in under ten minutes without anyone knowing I was there. Which is... honestly part of the reason I think you'd be good person to have on this. It's something I'm bad at, which means having someone who's explicitly good at it is even more important. And I think you're a good middle-ground between people who can't help showing some emotion in a given situation and people who are comfortable keeping it entirely locked down. Even when I got angry at you, I never doubted that you genuinely wanted the conversations to go differently. That you wanted things to turn out well.
[A pause, and some tentative but genuine humor:]
Besides, and most importantly, it would be weird to invite you to my brother's birthday party if we'd spend the whole night eying each other like a pair of wet cats thrown into a sack together.
The answer to your actual question is, 'someone willing to sacrifice a little fairness for harmony,' which, okay, now that I say it out loud -
[He does laugh, now, ruefully.]
I think it's okay to want harmony at a party.
[He still needs to make sure Edwin will be okay with Arthur being at the Engagement party, and at least warn him about Yunlan, and make sure they're not sat next to each other -]
I'm glad I'll get to come, though. I'm - very grateful, that you reached out.
[He can tell how much courage it took, although he's not sure he should say so.]
[Theres a long delay while he emotionally recoils, cycles through a half-dozen needle and nails replies that could blow this up and save him more personal risk.
He finally manages to say something that isn't one of those things, and is far more weary than defensive.]
Well, good news there. I'm almost certain Earth doesn't have psych surgery, so that means any unusual responses are just things you've learned with the parts of you that don't talk. And you're not dead, which means you can unlearn them, or at least lessen their power to ruin your day.
You don't even need to actually trust anyone to work on it, although I've heard it theoretically helps. I didn't trust my psych team any farther than I could kick them, but I still picked up some useful techniques.
Anyway. I figured I should mention that's...possible. I know it's hard to believe from the inside.
I don't trust anyone, so I suppose it's good that's not a requirement.
[He clears his throat.]
Anyway, I... There are some logistical things I need to sort out still, but I'll talk to Zerxus again and maybe we can try a mediated session as a post-holiday experiment.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
23rdish?? audio;
Hi, Jedao. I... It's Neal.
[AN AWKWARD PAUSE.]
I wanted to start by saying I'm sorry I... hung up on you, the other day. I--
[He stops again. His heart is fucking racing, god.]
I didn't have the chance to thank you. For saying what you did, for apologizing about getting caught up in arguing with me about the whole. Bathroom thing, and for acknowledging why people like-- [A note of wry amusement edges into his tone.] Why people like me and Kikimora might make noise when we feel like we can't do anything else that matters.
[Another pause. An unsteady breath.]
Look, I-- You're-- [ANOTHER!!! Pause.]
I fucked up with Arthur once. Badly. I was trying make him understand something, the way I felt about something, before we really knew each other well, and I did it in the most ham-fisted and dismissive possible way and earned the chewing out he gave me. Because... we didn't know each other. You... told me a lot, about yourself. On Halloween, at the Halloween party. And I did the thing I keep pointing out in other people, where I was so attached to the thought I was trying to illustrate, the point I was trying to prove, that I didn't give that the weight and space and honor the trust deserved. I'm sorry for that. Very, very sorry.
I told Arthur after that... a lot. Kind of everything, really, all the reasons that this place is so hard for me sometimes. I don't hate it here. I love the family I've made. I love taking my coffee up onto the deck in the morning and drinking it under starscapes I would never have the chance to see if I was on earth. I love the possibilities, I love the sheer enormous weight of potential that opens up when you think about where we are and how we got here. I love...
[His voice drops.] I love that I've had a chance to try and figure out who I even am, away from the place and people that made me someone who's greatest skill, whose greatest value was being nobody at all, being whoever they needed whenever they needed.
But the things that happened to me on board-- [He pauses, less halting and more weighted and thoughtful this time.] They don't have to be that way. That potential, it's all here, we can do so much, we can experiment and find ideas and try ways to do and be better. All of us. What happened to me shouldn't have happened. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it shouldn't happen at all. I wanted, when that happened, all I wanted was for someone to listen. I didn't ultimately care if Dorian actually got punished. I just wanted someone to tell me, unequivocally, without defending him or the situation or the barge, that it was cruel and senseless and shouldn't have been that way. I just wanted someone to hear me.
And the blowup with Kikimora--she smashed dishes and ripped clothes and people were calling for blood. Nothing happened, no. But the noise was still made. The wardens involved were still leading the charge. And in terms of, of, of publicity, of public relations, things like that are important. Nothing happened, but the people on the outside don't all know that, and any inmate who sees wardens calling for retribution over laundry dumped on the floor-- It's not a crisis. But it makes the job of every warden on board harder, because every inmate that sees that has less reason to expect we'll care when they're the ones in trouble. And when you set that next to the overwhelming attitude that murder is just a fact of life, it creates a dynamic that begs inmates not to trust us. Perception drives reality. If the perception is that we care more about disrupted lunch service than someone being slaughtered, the reality becomes one where collective trust is a delusional choice.
That's... why this is so important to me. It's why I'm going to do it, why I'm going to ask the Admiral for a dedicated office space and somewhere to serve as a space for mediation if people need strictly neutral territory and can't find it somewhere else. Zerxus is going to help me. I'm going to ask Xie Lian as well, once I've talked to the Admiral, and I'm going to ask Reid and John Doe to be on back-up rotation. For starters. And I want-- If you're interested, and I get why you wouldn't be, but if you are, I think you'd be good at it. I think we. We probably need to do some talking, probably a lot of talking, and I asked Zerxus if he'd help with that, too. But if this sounds like something you'd want to be a part of, I hope you will be.
Re: 23rdish?? audio;
No, he was going to say. I know you mean well, but absolutely not. The more I push the more I'm just going to hurt him, no matter how I try. Until Neal says out loud with his own human mouth that he wants to talk to me, my answer is no.
But here he is.]
You don't need to apologize for hanging up. I...
[His voice sounds a little bit lost.]
I hurt you. Again. I was trying to - do that. To say that I had heard you. But I got it wrong, and - and I don't. Entirely know where I went wrong, this time, but I'm sorry, for that, and. You don't have to explain it and you don't ever have to be sorry for getting away from someone who's hurting you.
You're right, that it shouldn't happen.
[He bites the inside of his cheek for a moment; his blood is as disgusting as ever, viscous and inky. He swallows it down compulsively.]
A thing, about me is - I'm a tactician. That's...what I'm for. Breaking things down. Predicting...paths of escalation, obstacles, counters. Seeing what will work and what won't. I don't know how this will work. But I do think it's worth trying. I didn't...expect you to want me anywhere near it, honestly.
[He laughs, a soft shaky two-breath sound. He's going to get to give Jesus such a smug I-Told-You-So, and he's Shuos enough to enjoy that prospect.]
If you....really want me to be there, then I will.
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I don't know why I... reacted that way, to be honest. [A soft admission.] There's a lot I don't know about why I react to things the way I do, a lot I don't understand about it, and I'm not sure how to be better at that. Maybe it's that everything with Dorian and the bathroom tantrums and everything was already... in the open. Already public. So it didn't feel dangerous to say it where people could see. I don't know.
[Neal gives a tiny, not-really-laugh.]
I am very much not a tactician unless we're talking about how to get in and out of a heavily alarmed and guarded museum with a painting twice my size in under ten minutes without anyone knowing I was there. Which is... honestly part of the reason I think you'd be good person to have on this. It's something I'm bad at, which means having someone who's explicitly good at it is even more important. And I think you're a good middle-ground between people who can't help showing some emotion in a given situation and people who are comfortable keeping it entirely locked down. Even when I got angry at you, I never doubted that you genuinely wanted the conversations to go differently. That you wanted things to turn out well.
[A pause, and some tentative but genuine humor:]
Besides, and most importantly, it would be weird to invite you to my brother's birthday party if we'd spend the whole night eying each other like a pair of wet cats thrown into a sack together.
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[Jedao says, and his voice wobbles a little. He didn't know Neal thought that, about his intentions, at all. And -]
I was. I was going to skip it. I didn't want you to be uncomfortable.
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That's not a sentiment I'm particularly used to.
Thank you, though. I mean it.
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[He does laugh, now, ruefully.]
I think it's okay to want harmony at a party.
[He still needs to make sure Edwin will be okay with Arthur being at the Engagement party, and at least warn him about Yunlan, and make sure they're not sat next to each other -]
I'm glad I'll get to come, though. I'm - very grateful, that you reached out.
[He can tell how much courage it took, although he's not sure he should say so.]
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Thanks. It's-- Ironically, it's one of the ways I know this place has helped me. Because like hell I would have before I came here.
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[Which is an official term, in Jedao's world - their version of PTSD.]
Is that something you want to figure out?
[Because if not Jedao will drop it forever.]
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He finally manages to say something that isn't one of those things, and is far more weary than defensive.]
I'm not sure I want to know I'm unfixable.
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Well, good news there. I'm almost certain Earth doesn't have psych surgery, so that means any unusual responses are just things you've learned with the parts of you that don't talk. And you're not dead, which means you can unlearn them, or at least lessen their power to ruin your day.
You don't even need to actually trust anyone to work on it, although I've heard it theoretically helps. I didn't trust my psych team any farther than I could kick them, but I still picked up some useful techniques.
Anyway. I figured I should mention that's...possible. I know it's hard to believe from the inside.
But also not really my business. So.
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I don't trust anyone, so I suppose it's good that's not a requirement.
[He clears his throat.]
Anyway, I... There are some logistical things I need to sort out still, but I'll talk to Zerxus again and maybe we can try a mediated session as a post-holiday experiment.
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