"Better than I expected to be," he says quietly, leaning on Jedao's shoulder and taking a tiny sip of the tea. It's still too hot, but the warmth helps to ease the ache of his throat, makes his voice a touch less scratchy.
"It helps that I didn't kill anyone. But, also..." He watches the surface of his tea for a few seconds, trying to uncover the right phrasing, before he takes a sip. "It wasn't... do you know how it feels sometimes in breaches, as if that was a real you, but a little to the side?"
"This feels like the opposite," Gonou murmurs, over another sip of tea. "Not a step to the side at all, even if he remembers things I don't... I think I learned a few things about how to use my powers from all of that.
"But. I don't feel as though he was me. I feel-- like he was wrong about me."
He breathes out, far too quietly to be a laugh, and tilts his head to glance up at Jedao. "Is that foolish?"
"Why would it be foolish?" he asks. "I mean - I think he was thinking of you as the person you were when you first died, because that was the only way he knew to. But you've changed a lot since then."
"Perhaps in ways he hasn't," Gonou murmurs, and takes another sip of the tea. "And he didn't know any of you."
Which also makes a difference. Hurting Jedao and Eiffel while knowing them -- would have been very difficult for him to deal with indeed. Hurting them while thinking of them as over-familiar strangers still just feels as though that him had been wrong.
He sighs, relaxing a little against Jedao's shoulder, and tries another sip of the tea.
"I think he was wrong about a lot of things too," Jedao confides. Gonou knows, of course - he'll remember Jedao's arguing - but he feels like it ought to be said.
"It's a muscle, isn't it? They get stronger with exercise." Which is just another way of saying the same thing, really.
"It took you awhile to come around to it. That of course it wouldn't be the same love, but it could still be love. I don't think I could have convinced him in a few days even if he'd let me try, but I wanted to."
"Maybe he'd have been less miserable if he were up for a completely loveless blowjob, that's all I'm saying," Jedao insists, just a tiny bit tongue in cheek.
"I did like him, though. Mostly because I could see you in him, just...harsher. Still, though."
"Ah, maybe so, but even I'm not up for a completely loveless blowjob." There's a tiny bit of teasing in his voice in turn. "But it's all right if you liked him, you know. He was me, so I'm the one who can be really judgmental."
"I'll feel a little less guilty about sullying your innocence with that kiss, then."
He laughs softly, and slides down just enough to tuck his head under Jedao's chin with a sigh. Barely awake and he's already feeling tired again (also aching, nauseous, weak and a little dizzy: he's decided he dislikes death tolls.)
"It would only feel right if you knew me," he murmurs, looking down at his half-empty teacup. "And all of that would ruin the mood terribly."
"Mm. Really, I just wanted a kiss, in case I ruined the timeline," Gonou admits. "But I'm glad it helped him."
He sighs a little, eyes half-closing, before remembering something and glancing up.
"Ah-- do you see the cat?" He points up at a little brass statue of a cat sitting on the shelf beside Kanan's cabinet. "Before you go, you should pet its head. I'm curious...."
He isn't quite sure that it's going to actually cause anything to happen, but he wouldn't put it past Xie Lian to send him a message that's both a metaphor and literal.
"I'd probably still be sleeping off my injuries if you hadn't helped heal me anyway," Jedao points out. "And James and I are experimenting with trust. I can be here for a little while more."
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"How are you, though? I mean - really."
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"It helps that I didn't kill anyone. But, also..." He watches the surface of his tea for a few seconds, trying to uncover the right phrasing, before he takes a sip. "It wasn't... do you know how it feels sometimes in breaches, as if that was a real you, but a little to the side?"
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"But. I don't feel as though he was me. I feel-- like he was wrong about me."
He breathes out, far too quietly to be a laugh, and tilts his head to glance up at Jedao. "Is that foolish?"
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Which also makes a difference. Hurting Jedao and Eiffel while knowing them -- would have been very difficult for him to deal with indeed. Hurting them while thinking of them as over-familiar strangers still just feels as though that him had been wrong.
He sighs, relaxing a little against Jedao's shoulder, and tries another sip of the tea.
"Anyway-- I'm not... too upset."
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"Thank you," he murmurs, and leans over to kiss Jedao's cheek.
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"He thought I didn't have a heart big enough to love anyone else. I think hearts grow when you let people into them."
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"It took you awhile to come around to it. That of course it wouldn't be the same love, but it could still be love. I don't think I could have convinced him in a few days even if he'd let me try, but I wanted to."
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He casts Jedao a sidelong glance, a little wry, a little amused. "I think I'm a little glad, because I didn't like him very much."
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"I did like him, though. Mostly because I could see you in him, just...harsher. Still, though."
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He laughs softly, and slides down just enough to tuck his head under Jedao's chin with a sigh. Barely awake and he's already feeling tired again (also aching, nauseous, weak and a little dizzy: he's decided he dislikes death tolls.)
"It would only feel right if you knew me," he murmurs, looking down at his half-empty teacup. "And all of that would ruin the mood terribly."
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"Don't feel guilty. You did him no harm and made him feel -" Less alone, less afraid, less freakish. "- brave."
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He sighs a little, eyes half-closing, before remembering something and glancing up.
"Ah-- do you see the cat?" He points up at a little brass statue of a cat sitting on the shelf beside Kanan's cabinet. "Before you go, you should pet its head. I'm curious...."
He isn't quite sure that it's going to actually cause anything to happen, but he wouldn't put it past Xie Lian to send him a message that's both a metaphor and literal.
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Jedao strokes Gonou's hair. "You sleep. I'll stay."
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