It's the first time he's actually said that out loud. He's been careful not to mention it around John, with everything his brother said about the lengths he'd go to in order to find Edwin. He doesn't want John to get frustrated or upset with the anxieties Edwin can't seem to vanquish.
"Oh, Sunshine," murmurs Jedao, who happens to know John feels the same way about Edwin sometimes, but will never ever tell.
"Fire and ash, you must feel so fucking scared and lonely, being the only one in your world to know. I imagine it'd feel like - losing the John you've loved here, or - losing a little bit of your claim on him, and not even being allowed to grieve. And he'd tell you in a heartbeat you haven't, that you're still the brother that's been through all this with him - but it's still hard. You're allowed to hate it. I'm sorry."
It's such a relief that Jedao understands. The tension that was left, the worry that he'd try to brush the anxiety of it away, leaves Edwin in a rush.
"I... I hate it," he says again, very quietly. "And I'm jealous of myself, and I'm jealous of Arthur and John being together, but not in the way that I used to be."
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It's the first time he's actually said that out loud. He's been careful not to mention it around John, with everything his brother said about the lengths he'd go to in order to find Edwin. He doesn't want John to get frustrated or upset with the anxieties Edwin can't seem to vanquish.
"I hate it. I'm-- I'm jealous of myself."
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"Fire and ash, you must feel so fucking scared and lonely, being the only one in your world to know. I imagine it'd feel like - losing the John you've loved here, or - losing a little bit of your claim on him, and not even being allowed to grieve. And he'd tell you in a heartbeat you haven't, that you're still the brother that's been through all this with him - but it's still hard. You're allowed to hate it. I'm sorry."
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"I... I hate it," he says again, very quietly. "And I'm jealous of myself, and I'm jealous of Arthur and John being together, but not in the way that I used to be."