"I know...I know the biggest things. I know he's the person who made Hunter...the person he was when he came here as a new inmate. But I don't know a lot of the details."
The compliments make him feel lighter than he has all day. It makes him feel bright inside, combats the fatigue that still hasn't really gone away after coming back from being used by Larson.
"I think... it's close enough. I know I'm not the King. I know I'm not the Yellow who hurt him. But that doesn't really matter if that's who he sees when I'm there. I mean, it does, but... It doesn't make him feel better. It..."
He stops. Hesitates. "It didn't make me feel better, when Arthur said he wasn't the one who hurt me. It made me angry."
"At the time, that's true. But it was also important for you to know that he wasn't going to act the same way. Because under the anger, it's fear. And even if you didn't believe it at first, it had to start with people telling you the truth. And maybe it will never make him feel better, but - it's still important to know. It's....complicated. It's the sort of thing that only gets better slow."
"I know." And, strangely, he does. Arthur's apology, the hug after, the friendliness they've had since--he'd started to think it was impossible. He'd started to think every bit of equilibrium they found would only last until something beyond the barge overturned it.
"I..." A pause, a long one, and his tone is baffled more than anything else. "I think I'll be okay even if he never likes me."
"I know you will," Jedao says truthfully. "I'd feel a little bit sorry for him, not getting to know my best boy. But you'll have the people who love you."
Sorry Jedao, he's having a Moment of internalizing the reality that there are way too many people in the universe to even meet everyone, never mind try and get them to like him.
That's a weird and exhausting relief.
He flops against Jedao chest and keeps chewing on his tail.
Jedao floats a fidget puzzle out of one of his desk drawers, and offers it to Edwin. It's got clicky bits, and squishy bits, and twisty bits, like Dr. Seuss got his hands on a Rubik's cube.
"It's for having something to fiddle with that isn't chewing your own fingernails, mostly," Jedao tells him warmly. "Or tails. Not that you can't, but - if it helps, you can keep it."
He likes that idea, tucking it away to add to his garden. He's got more than flowers there now--he's started folding little green leaves of concepts he has or hears from people, sees elsewhere, wants to think about. Things that could be something, but aren't in him yet.
(Clicky clicky clicky.)
"I think..."
And he is thinking, hard.
"I think... I'm... choosing not to be scared of him. Charlie."
"You're probably right," Jedao agrees. "But it's one of the most important kind things you can do for him. If you're scared...if you're both scared, it's easy for things to get out of control. You taking on the work of being the one who's...breathing through it, and putting it away, means it's safer here for him."
He gives Edwin a little kiss on the top of his head.
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"I know...I know the biggest things. I know he's the person who made Hunter...the person he was when he came here as a new inmate. But I don't know a lot of the details."
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"I don't think it's exactly the same, but it still might be a very good perspective to think about."
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"I think... it's close enough. I know I'm not the King. I know I'm not the Yellow who hurt him. But that doesn't really matter if that's who he sees when I'm there. I mean, it does, but... It doesn't make him feel better. It..."
He stops. Hesitates. "It didn't make me feel better, when Arthur said he wasn't the one who hurt me. It made me angry."
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Jedao pets down Edwin's back.
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"I..." A pause, a long one, and his tone is baffled more than anything else. "I think I'll be okay even if he never likes me."
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That's a weird and exhausting relief.
He flops against Jedao chest and keeps chewing on his tail.
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"Try this?"
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Clicky and squishy bits garner his immediate interest.
"What's this for?"
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"People make things for everything."
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There are worse mindsets.
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(Clicky clicky clicky.)
"I think..."
And he is thinking, hard.
"I think... I'm... choosing not to be scared of him. Charlie."
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Because it's not that easy, obviously - but also, it's an important skill Edwin is building, being able to rethink and settle down his first impulses.
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He gives Edwin a little kiss on the top of his head.
"I'm really proud of you."