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[deuceoftears]

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[deuceoftears]

"For me, sometimes, it feels like - glass."

A separation; a rigidity.

"And what happens, after you put it away?"

[brotherblack]

"Happens?" He just sounds perplexed. "Nothing happens, it's... put away. I don't think about it."

[deuceoftears]

Jedao considers how to put what he means.

"The things you were angry about. Do they change? Do you do things about them, but calmly? Do you not? Do they change because of other forces? How so? It's probably different for different situations. You can speak on whatever examples come to mind."

[brotherblack]

"They just... are." He considers for a moment, then adds, "I could often ignore or sidestep the Regent's scheming and manipulations, or stand between my people and Zhao Xinci's bigotry and hatred. But I could not change them." Could not change the position they'd put him in, or the ways in which they'd impacted his life

[deuceoftears]

"And...no one ever knew what you endured, or understood, or comforted you," Jedao adds, softly. "Is that right?"

[brotherblack]

He lifts his chin slightly. "No." At least he'd sped himself from answering of course not, or why would there have been? Though he does still add, "It was not necessary."

[deuceoftears]

"It is necessary, if you're a person. You would never say that was acceptable about another person," Jedao points out.

[brotherblack]

The expression that flickers briefly across his face is complicated, sorrow and resignation, and possibly a shadow of wistfulness, all there and gone again in a heartbeat. "But I was never a person, zhizi," he murmurs. "Not to anyone, not even to myself. And so I... endured."

He dips his chin, gaze fixed on his teacup. "Until Kunlun, and after him."

[deuceoftears]

"So you don't have any practice. But I hear you're a quick learner," Jedao points out, with soft warmth.

"But you don't let yourself be angry, even with him." It's not an accusation, just a quiet, inexorable observation.

[brotherblack]

His shoulders twitch slightly. "What purpose does anger serve?"

[deuceoftears]

"It can have a few different purposes. But does everything about you need to serve a purpose?" Jedao counters, softly.

[brotherblack]

That look of faint resignation and sortie settles over his features again, and this time it lingers.

"It always has," he points out softly. "I... am trying. But, after so long, I do not know any other way to be. And-" He swallow before continuing- "I do not like the feeling of anger. I do not like the... the person it makes me." He's seen first hand how it consumed his didi warping him beyond all recognition, and he very much fears that for himself.

[deuceoftears]

"Tell me more about that," Jedao says, gently, safely.

[brotherblack]

"It's... it's an ugly feeling. Hot and bitter and dangerous," he murmurs. It's hesitant and his voice is a little strained, but he's trying, no matter how difficult it is for him to put words to such feelings--most feelings, really, but especially the dark ones that he wishes to simply push away and not acknowledge. "It feels like... I could lose control of it and burn everything I care about down around me." Like he almost has each time he's given rein to it.

[deuceoftears]

He nods, then sets his tea cup down, reaches across the small table to touch Shen Wei's wrist, to squeeze gently.

"Sometimes, the things that have happened to us are ugly and bitter," Jedao says softly. "Anger can be dangerous. But...part of its purpose is for us. Anger is the part of us that insists, sometimes uselessly, often stridently, that something wrong that happened to us is wrong, is not alright. Even if we cannot fight back in too many times, too many moments, anger helps protect us against accepting the lies and excuses and justifications of those who would exploit us, dismiss us, abuse us."

He takes a slow breath, and doesn't pull his hand back unless Shen Wei does it first.

"I know you don't like or agree with the regent. But too often you think of yourself the way he thinks of you - as a tool for the people, and nothing more. You don't like or agree with Zhao Xinci, but you've let him get into your head, too. You worry so much about being a danger to Zhao Yunlan, about hurting him, that you sacrificed yourself to heal him without telling him or trusting him. You've treated yourself like a monster to be kept at bay from vulnerable people, and a dutiful power to be used up, not like a person whose pain matters, who should be considered. You've forced yourself, so slowly, over time, to accept the unacceptable rather than let yourself just be fucking angry about it. Before you even worry about acting on it. Just to feel it. Let it be hot and bitter and awful, it if could burn some of that poison away in your own mind. They were wrong."

His hand tightens again. Jedao is angry, for him.

"How they treated you was wrong. What they believed about you was wrong. All of it was wrong."

[brotherblack]

Shen Wei makes no effort to pull away at any point. In fact, as siao Jedao goes on, his gaze drops to that touch, some part of his mind focusing on the warmth of xiao Jedao's hand against his cool skin as xiao Jedao's words dig into every chink and crevice in the armor he's built for himself over decades and centuries and millennia.

By the end, his eyes have gone unfocused, his expression tight, and there's the faintest, barely there tremble in his muscles as he tries to process it... perhaps to still reject it. Except he can't. Not really. He's known... perhaps not since the beginning, when he was a boy who knew nothing but duty and privation and fear and desperation, perhaps not even when he first awakened, though the Regent's actions and words had hurt, but for a very long time, now. He's known it was wrong. Known that he would not have tolerated anyone else to be treated as he had been, but could not, ever, acknowledge as much. Not even to himself. Because-

"But... if I had allowed myself to be angry," he whispers, gaze still cast down and eyes still unfocused. "If... if I had acknowledged that it was wrong-" He looks up, finally, his expression agonizingly tight and still, because- "How could I have continued on, and done what was needed?"

[deuceoftears]

"I don't know," Jedao says honestly. That's how almost everyone lived, in the Hexarchate, for eight hundred years. Or they didn't. Anger didn't change anything for millions, maybe billions of heretics. It only put them on the Remembrance slab.

"Maybe not all of those things were needed," Like the panicked way he healed Zhao Yunlan's eyes - "But maybe they were. I don't need you to...renounce your survival, Shen Wei. And I will fight the Admiral myself if he thinks you need to. But I want you to...be able to believe, that you don't need to believe those things to survive now. I know it's hard to trust things that weren't safe before. But will you try, with me?"

[brotherblack]

It's on the tip of his tongue to agree, because he knows xiao Jedao's right. Knows that this is at least some of what he probably needs to fix before the Admiral will allow him to graduate. On the tip of his tongue, but the words never make it out, because xiao Jedao's phrasing stops him in his tracks.

Not for him, but with him.
"With you?" he asks quietly.

[deuceoftears]

He blinks, for just a moment. Most of what Jedao says is very calculated - but that hadn't been.

"Anger is...hard for me, too. But I'm so angry at them, for what they did to you," Jedao says quietly.

[brotherblack]

Shen Wei dips his chin, gaze fixed on his hands where they're folded on his lap. "It's always easier-" Safer= "To be angry on behalf of others," he observes quietly.

He keeps his gaze lowered for a moment longer before looking back up at xiao Jedao, expression solemn and eyes a little too bright. "Thank you. For caring." Not just because he has to as his warden, but for actually caring.

[deuceoftears]

"I know. I'll tell you about some of my things later. But I want you to be able to be angry on your own behalf, too. And, hey, the first time is going to be the hardest," he points out.

[brotherblack]

"I still don't really care for the idea, though," he admits. "But I suppose we'll see, given I don't really have anything to be angry about." Other than the Admiral trapping him here, but he deserved it, after all.

[deuceoftears]

"You colossal liar," Jedao snorts. "You might have yourself fooled, but not me."

He gives Shen Wei's wrist another squeeze, then stands.

"I'm going to grab something from my study, I'll be back in just a second."

[brotherblack]

Shen Wei blinks at him in obvious confusion, though he doesn't actually take offense at being called a liar. It's been true often enough, after all.

"Of course," he agrees.

[deuceoftears]

He comes back with traditional rice paper, brush, and inkstone. He sets them out.

"Here's the thing, Shen Wei. If you're going to let yourself feel anger, you are going to have to break the association between letting yourself even acknowledge it ever, and being forced to acknowledge it because it's become so devastating that you can't deny it anymore. Between just feeling it and acting on it, before you even worry about acting on it controlled versus uncontrolled.

"So we're going to start with you writing a letter to someone, anyone, who did something that fucked you up or fucked you over. You're going to write to them and say that they were wrong, and you're mad, and why. Just because you write it doesn't mean you ever have to send it. But you're going to think about it in your own quiet heart, and then write it down in the world. You have half an hour for this essay, your time starts now."