He can hear the quiet sounds of xiao Jedao pouring tea over his own ragged breaths, feel the warmth of his presence and the familiarity of his energy close by, and he lets himself focus on that, on his calm, soothing voice. And doesn't tell himself that he's behaving like a child, that his weakness is humiliating, or a burden. He just lets himself... sit. With xiao Jedao's words, with his own thoughts, for a long, quiet moment as he masters his breathing.
"It's been so long-" He has to stop and steady his breathing before he starts again- "It's been so long that... that it doesn't feel like effort anymore," he admits. "And if I let it go... what will I be without it." It's not really a question, just the knee-jerk fear that squirms in his chest as he begins to truly accept the reality that he can change. Should change. Not just as an intellectual exercise, not just to escape this place, but because he deserves better, and so do the people he loves. And it's terrifying.
"Someone lighter," Jedao answers, with a quiet certainty. "Someone more free, who can feel the wind and tears equally on his face."
Because even if it doesn't feel like effort - it is, because it's not who Shen Wei really is, and it never has been. Jedao is certain of that, in the same deep place in his breastbone that Crowned-With-Eyes lives.
He scrubs his hands over his face and finally lifts his head, the only sign there might have been tears some redness around his eyes.
"Someone lighter... who's allowed to be heavy." It's meant to be a tease, but it comes out a little too ragged and a little too real.
He blinks a few times and finds a wan smile for xiao Jedao. "Thank you, zhizi, for your wisdom. And... and for your... your care." He'd almost said love, but that feels too presumptuous even now. "I think... perhaps that I should go speak with Zhao Yunlan." Because maybe xiao Jedao is right, and he should let his beloved be a support to him, rather than hiding his fears and weaknesses from him.
"Yes," he answers, decisively. "If you put down a burden you've been carrying so long you don't remember what it feels like, and you get to lean on the people around you."
Be heavy. Feel light.
"You can come back any time," Jedao promises him, leaning in for another tight hug.
"Yes," he agrees on a breath, and feels like it shudders right to his core. Of course."
He squeezes xiao Jedao back without hesitation this time. "My apologies for wasting your good tea," he murmurs as he lets go and stands. "But I'll try very hard not to waste your good advice." And then he's stepping backwards into a hole in reality, before he has a chance to talk himself out of it.
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"It's been so long-" He has to stop and steady his breathing before he starts again- "It's been so long that... that it doesn't feel like effort anymore," he admits. "And if I let it go... what will I be without it." It's not really a question, just the knee-jerk fear that squirms in his chest as he begins to truly accept the reality that he can change. Should change. Not just as an intellectual exercise, not just to escape this place, but because he deserves better, and so do the people he loves. And it's terrifying.
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Because even if it doesn't feel like effort - it is, because it's not who Shen Wei really is, and it never has been. Jedao is certain of that, in the same deep place in his breastbone that Crowned-With-Eyes lives.
no subject
"Someone lighter... who's allowed to be heavy." It's meant to be a tease, but it comes out a little too ragged and a little too real.
He blinks a few times and finds a wan smile for xiao Jedao. "Thank you, zhizi, for your wisdom. And... and for your... your care." He'd almost said love, but that feels too presumptuous even now. "I think... perhaps that I should go speak with Zhao Yunlan." Because maybe xiao Jedao is right, and he should let his beloved be a support to him, rather than hiding his fears and weaknesses from him.
no subject
Be heavy. Feel light.
"You can come back any time," Jedao promises him, leaning in for another tight hug.
no subject
He squeezes xiao Jedao back without hesitation this time. "My apologies for wasting your good tea," he murmurs as he lets go and stands. "But I'll try very hard not to waste your good advice." And then he's stepping backwards into a hole in reality, before he has a chance to talk himself out of it.