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[deuceoftears]

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after arthurfight - cw suicidal ideation/an attempt to squish the eldritch out of himself

[howtheyshine]

Edwin teleports straight into Jedao's kitchen, missing his intended mark slightly. He fumbles with his communicator, sends one furious and carefully spell-checked text, and then transports himself under Jedao's couch and into the shape of a cat.

And then on stupid whim he tries to make himself a cat. Tries to squeeze out everything that isn't that creature until cat is the thing that's left. Maybe he can't die, but he can at least cease to exist.

Re: after arthurfight - cw suicidal ideation/an attempt to squish the eldritch out of himself

[deuceoftears]

Jedao is not actually home at the moment. But that doesn't matter because he's rigged his room grid to alert his augment the moment Edwin does come home, so he ditches his Engine Room shift and he's walking back through the door in less than a minute.

He comes inside, tugging a throw pillow off the couch and sitting on the floor with it, next to where Edwin is hiding.

He puts his hand down near the opening, almost as if Edwin was a real cat he was coaxing out.

"Hi there, love," Jedao says gently, and nothing else.

Re: after arthurfight - cw suicidal ideation/an attempt to squish the eldritch out of himself

[howtheyshine]

For a moment his half-numb senses keep getting more limited, it's working and he can make it keep working and he can just fucking stop, he can--

And then there's his dad with a hand outstretched and Edwin teeters on indecision, vividness and knowledge and self circling at the edges of him like sharks.

His mental voice when he speaks is slightly disjointed as he tries to keep those Edwin-things from pouring back in.

Don't want to.

Re: after arthurfight - cw suicidal ideation/an attempt to squish the eldritch out of himself

[deuceoftears]

Okay, Jedao says gently. I love you. I'll be right here.

He reaches with his mothpulls, and carefully opens the drawers in his study, floating out a stack of paper and some calligraphy supplies to settle gently on the coffee table. He starts grinding the inkstick, and uses his augment to throw together a mix of the now-scanned King Crimson tracks along with rain, nightbirds and crickets, crunching leaves, like the music is being heard from somewhere just a little way away, while Edwin is hidden, safely, somewhere in the woods.

Re: after arthurfight - cw suicidal ideation/an attempt to squish the eldritch out of himself

[howtheyshine]

It takes a long time for him to calm down. A long time. Long enough that the music starts over before he can make himself come out from under the couch, long enough that the him-things held at arms length can creep back in instead of crashing. Edwin can't keep trying to not be with Jedao sitting feet away. He couldn't do that to his dad.

He climbs onto Jedao's lap and curls up, hiding his face under his tail.

[deuceoftears]

On the coffee table, carefully folded, are dozens of paper flowers. Jedao leaves off preparing the strip for the next one and pets Edwin like the cat-shape he's using, steady and warm.

[howtheyshine]

Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for--

Thank you.

He doesn't sound disjointed any more, but he certain feels hollow.

[deuceoftears]

Always, Sunshine, Jedao answers, desperately needing something stronger to say than you're welcome.

Did something else happen?

[howtheyshine]

Arthur came to find out what-- No, Arthur decided what happened and came to see if he was right.

The cat is less "cat" than "jello ball" now.

[deuceoftears]

Arthur does have a bad habit of treating situations like investigations regardless of whether it's appropriate, Jedao remarks dryly. He doesn't hold a grudge, but he does remember, and it is not Arthur's finest trait.

[howtheyshine]

I thought he came because he cared about me. He said he came because he cared. But--

He's so tired. Has he ever felt this tired before? After Larson, getting back to the barge--it felt not unlike this. Complete with the very tenuous grip on his willingness to persist.

Out of the night that covers him, black as the pit from pole to pole. He's never going to be as strong as either John or Arthur.

He said I 'came in hot.' He said I desecrated John's kingdom by showing up mad. He said he wanted to understand and then he didn't listen. He said I yelled and that John didn't rise to it, because of course it's my fault, everything is my fault to him.

[deuceoftears]

There's a beat of a quiet, a bubble of - not real fury, but bristling outrage nevertheless, as Jedao's attention is caught for a moment on entirely the wrong thing, like snagging his sweater on a door handle only for half the garment to yank and unravel.

Desecrated his kingdom??? It's not the most important part, but maybe they're both kind of tired of dwelling on the important part. Maybe it's okay for Jedao to just be gobsmacked for a minute.

What a pompous lilyfucking dunce. The audacity of him, honestly. I'm going to put glitter on the insides of all his gloves. He probably won't really. But for a moment, he really wants to.

[howtheyshine]

The jello blob becomes a grateful clinging octopus all at once.

[deuceoftears]

Jedao cuddles him tight and just keeps going, since it seems like this is okay.

What an ass. Fire and ash. Yes, this is definitely the thing to be poetically melodramatic about, Arthur. You cracked walnut. You pickled wolf gizzard. Fuck. I'm sorry he was - was such a pugnacious prick to you, baby.

[howtheyshine]

It will not be catalogued in his head as a mature moment, no, but Edwin can't help it. He lets Jedao go on a bit. It's a relief, it's such a relief to know that he wasn't wrong to feel bad about how Arthur put things, that it wasn't him being stupid or not understanding a turn of phrase.

He said just because I hate Charlie, that doesn't mean I can make John choose between us. Just because I hate Charlie. I don't hate Charlie. I don't fucking hate Charlie. Maybe I wouldn't even be mad at any of them if it wasn't always about fucking Charlie. Charlie Charlie Charlie be patient with Charlie be kind to Charlie let him say whatever he wants to you and tackle you when you're not doing anything and look at you like something from a clogged sink that just came alive but don't for a minute think about anything but how Charlie feels.

He still has octolimbs. This is progress from "ball."

[deuceoftears]

I could break him, is a though Jedao doesn't mean to share, a distant whisper on the mental breeze. Charlie is all open wounds, still, and it would be easy to tear him apart, like a cat disemboweling a stuffed toy. Jedao could yank his paranoia so hard he couldn't even look at John anymore, and probably fuck him up badly enough that he couldn't function as a warden, either.

It would be intolerably cruel, and it wouldn't fix this fight, and it might backfire if in a trauma-fueled panic Charlie got himself demoted instead of leaving, making him someone Edwin was obligated to be concerned for. It's not a useful strategy and it's not the person Jedao chooses to be.

But he could do it. He can see how.

His pain and fear aren't an excuse to be cruel to you, Jedao says first, firmly.

[howtheyshine]

There's an ice water rush as Edwin catches that thought, and he clings harder.

Don't. Don't hurt him, he-- He doesn't deserve it. He deserves to be happy. I just--

When he's around I feel like a monster, and now John will want to be with him more, and...

He didn't even bother to tell me.

[deuceoftears]

Jedao ducks his head to give Edwin another little kiss on top of the octopus head, and keeps cuddling him with one arm. With the other arm he reaches over to his calligraphy brush, and writes on the currently laid-out strip of paper, I am kind. I want good things even for the person who makes me feel miserable and stuck, in neat, flowing script. Then puts his brush back down, letting the ink dry.

Is it possible that he didn't tell you right away because he didn't want to hurt you? Or even...just wanted it to be private?

[howtheyshine]

Or because he thought I'd hurt Charlie.

[deuceoftears]

Those are some different possibilities. Did he say that?

[howtheyshine]

No.

[deuceoftears]

I know it feels...smart, sometimes, to be scared. If you think of the worst thing, it can't surprise you, Jedao observes.

[howtheyshine]

For a moment he doesn't say anything.

Sometimes John looks at me like Charlie does when he's scared. That's not me thinking of the worst thing, that just happens.

[deuceoftears]

Like what? What does it look like?

[howtheyshine]

Like he's not sure if I'm going to hurt him. Like he's trying to be brave and calm when he wants to scream.