"Well, I'm not going to be all loving and noble about it. If he's stupid enough to think he shouldn't be happy with you, I'll. I'll dunk him in his own frog river until until he comes to his senses."
"A what?" Jedao asks, but at least he isn't sulking anymore, because Hakkai is laughing instead of smiling that too-steady sad-brittle smile of if he doesn't.
"Wait, then what did you mean about a frog river?"
Hakkai shakes his head, bewildered - but still more open, not going back to the braced-against-a-future-blow brittle smile he had been wearing.
"A kappa is a fairytale creature. A river spirit. They're supposed to be lecherous and grow water-weeds all around their head, so Goku started calling him that to make up for Gojyo calling him a monkey."
"He made a river in the enclosure one time," Jedao explains, finally standing up and towing Hakkai into the bedroom. "And I tagged along because I'm trying to friend seduce him, and there were frogs, and he taught me how to catch them."
"I think most people call that 'making friends,'" Hakkai teases, allowing himself to be towed along. Friend seducing, indeed.
"That must have been the river by our house," he adds, half to himself. It's a pretty place, but unlike Gojyo, he hadn't grown up near Chang'an. It's not the kind of place he'd go to, when he thinks of home.
"It definitely wouldn't," Hakkai says with immediate certainty, then pauses, blinking down at Jedao.
"How much can you change the way you look, now...?"
He'd assumed it was largely cosmetic - changing his scars, making himself look younger or older - but looking like a woman seems like a more profound shift.
"I think I have to conserve mass and volume? I don't know, I haven't really tried very hard."
He fidgets and looks down, vaguely embarrassed. He's been afraid, really. His identity is a delicate negotiation at the best of times, and he's not sure how much it would fray if he pushed on it. But he thinks -
"You've seen what I am, inside - underneath. Everything else is cosmetic."
Hakkai blinks again, considering that, then chuckles and kisses Jedao, slow and a little teasing.
"Well, you did tell me your species was technically hermaphroditic ages ago, I don't know why the idea of your looking like a woman surprised me. I love who you are no matter what you want to look like."
A brief pause. "But I still think Gojyo would have a hard time with you seducing him as a woman," he adds, with a secret little grin for Jedao before kissing him again.
Jedao gazes back up at him with a soft smile, reaching out a hand to trace his cheekbone, his jaw, his throat, all with light fingertips, just enjoying the shape of him, the permission.
Jedao laughs softly, part rueful at himself, part giggling ticklish delight at the kiss against his hand.
"I don't really mind if he doesn't ever go for me. You know what I'm like." As lecherous as Gojyo, at least, and it's not like he isn't pretty.
"The only thing I was ever - once he was here, the only thing I was jealous of was that he liked dinner." Jedao swallows. "That he could...give you that, appreciate what you wanted to give so much better. And now even that's fine."
"You appreciate a lot of things that I want to give you. He used to leave dinner on the table to get cold, when we were still getting to know each other, and he was out late at the bar or with women," Hakkai murmurs, kissing his way up the inside of Jedao's wrist with gentle care. "I almost left town over it. But it's not... it's not about the food. It's about whether you want and need me, whether I can-- give you as much as you give me, every day. He and I couldn't ever talk about that, really. You and I always have."
For a moment Jedao's mouth turns into a little 'o' of shocked outrage; he imagines grabbing Gojyo by the hair and shaking him like a naughty puppy.
"That's how I caught you, you know," Jedao points out, reaching to grip his hand in Hakkai's hair instead, not to hurt, but to let him feel the pressure, the not letting go. "Being so needy. And he wants to be needed, too. And he knows you have me. That's why he's so upset."
And Hakkai is trying very hard not to need him, to promise Jedao that he'll be okay either way, to be able to do the right thing if Gojyo doesn't want, as if that might be the problem.
"Even if you're set on being noble about it, maybe don't tell him that right away," Jedao advises, dryly.
"I know better than to tell him I don't need him. Unless I'm trying to hurt him," Hakkai confesses, his voice small. "But sometimes, I don't..."
He trails off entirely, for a long moment, resting his head against Jedao's hand, feeling the solidity of his grip.
"Sometimes, it's hard to believe that anyone in the universe but you needs me."
He has to tell himself it's all right, that they don't. That Eiffel had appreciated them, but not needed them, and it's all right that he was happy to go with Shaw and Neal. That if Gojyo doesn't want to be with Hakkai forever more than he wants his hometown, his friends, Sanzo and Goku down the street forever, that's all right too. He can't let himself need more than he can have.
Jedao pulls him down and rolls over him, so he can feel all Jedao's weight over him, not just the strength of his hand, kisses him deep and slow for a long time, lets the soft sounds of wanting each other be more important than words.
"You have me," he whispers at last, resting his forehead against Hakkai's, breath to breath, noses brushing. "You have me, and he doesn't, so you've got a better chance to be brave."
Hakkai kisses him back passionately, almost desperately, pliant under his weight. His hands settle to either side of Jedao's waist, slip up to his back to keep him close.
"I know," he whispers back, his gaze sliding away from Jedao's in shame. He's being selfish, to be so afraid of Gojyo's reaction.
His thumb brushes Hakkai's temple gently, the very edge of his real eye, the tenderest possible pressure on a terribly vulnerable place.
"I know that I can survive being desperately, unremittingly unhappy, because I've done it," he admits, the quiet awful truth that is the closest thing to I don't need you that he could ever say.
"But I don't want to. I don't ever want to do it again. And I won't ever do it again. You gave me that, before anything else, made me believe I was allowed to - want to be happy. Allowed to choose to be happy. To have a home. And it's not my home without you. And he gave that to you, first, even if he never said it, just by bringing you home. So - it's okay, if your home's not whole without him."
His thumb brushes back a fringe of Hakkai's bangs.
"And I don't think it's protecting you anymore, not admitting it all the way even to yourself."
"I know what I can survive, too," Hakkai says, quietly. There's a stillness to the way he's lying stretched out under Jedao's weight, to the way he lets his head rest against the pressure of Jedao's thumb, under his eye.
He remembers the way his own thumb had felt, almost in the same place, before Goku had pulled his hand away.
"I know... love isn't always enough. Home isn't always enough. Family isn't always enough, to make someone stay. And I know that even if I could live through losing everything again, I don't want to, and I won't allow anyone to make me."
His voice is soft, a little distant, musing.
"So I... if I had lost Gojyo. At home, not knowing you. It really would have killed me. I used to think about it a lot, when we were traveling.
"I want him to be part of my life, part of our home. But I need to... I need to remind myself that it's not life or death."
Jedao nestles down a little, nuzzling Hakkai's cheek and his neck, pressed closer than eye contact would allow; he slides his hands over Hakkai's, laces their fingers, holds him down there, too.
"It's not. I'm yours, and you're mine, and I'm with you for always. Even if you live a hundred thousand demon-blooded years, then in sixty trillion years when all the stars have turned to iron and I go down to John at the bottom of the universe, I'll be wearing your ring on my other hand and carrying around your skull with me in a box, because there still won't be any home for me without you. And I won't be without you again," he whispers, raw and wild and certain as the relentlessness of time.
"When you die I'm going to pluck out your eyeteeth and your glass eye and one fingerbone and carry them in the chambers of heart. I'm going to figure out how to shapeshift a real human heart just to hide your teeth in. I'm going to kiss you when you're dying, and steal your very last breath, to hold one more memory of the taste of you. There's no losing me, there's no escaping me, not in any world or any eternity."
He bites Hakkai, slow but then harder, like he almost can't bear to let go, enough to bruise for a little while even with youkai healing.
"But I also want you to have all the home you can stand, before then. I want you to grab it and hold onto it. So - it's okay to say you need him. Even if it's only the kind of need that's to live happier, and not to live at all. It's okay for that to be enough."
Hakkai breathes in, once, sharp and softly, but doesn't respond aloud. He can't: salt water spills from his eyes, the real and the false alike, where he still does have working tear ducts tucked in alongside smooth glass. It draws warm tracks down his face to either side, drips into his ear under the wholly mundane influence of gravity, and if he could bear to move he'd shake himself like a wet dog to throw it off.
But he can't move any more than he can speak. He feels like nothing, like he is acutely and terribly unworthy of the universe-spanning declarations Jedao is offering him, but he believes each word. The contrast leaves him shuddering in Jedao's grip, unable to make any promise that could match it: feeling loved for all his filth, and feeling helplessly guilty for his own unworthiness.
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Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"Anyway... I want him to do whatever makes him happy. I know I have you, no matter what happens. I'd like him to come with us, but you're all I need."
His grip on Jedao's shoulder tightens a little. No matter who else they lose-- they have each other. He's Jedao's first, as long as he lives.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
And then drag him home by his stupid pretty hair.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"I love you so much," he manages breathlessly. "When did he tell you we call him a kappa?"
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
Hakkai shakes his head, bewildered - but still more open, not going back to the braced-against-a-future-blow brittle smile he had been wearing.
"A kappa is a fairytale creature. A river spirit. They're supposed to be lecherous and grow water-weeds all around their head, so Goku started calling him that to make up for Gojyo calling him a monkey."
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"That must have been the river by our house," he adds, half to himself. It's a pretty place, but unlike Gojyo, he hadn't grown up near Chang'an. It's not the kind of place he'd go to, when he thinks of home.
The bamboo forest he'd showed Jedao is - closer.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
A thought pops into his head as he pulls Hakkai into bed and he stops short for a moment, lost in pondering it.
"...I could probably choose to look like a girl now. Would it help if I actually seduced him, do you think?"
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"How much can you change the way you look, now...?"
He'd assumed it was largely cosmetic - changing his scars, making himself look younger or older - but looking like a woman seems like a more profound shift.
Is he fully a shapeshifter now?
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
He fidgets and looks down, vaguely embarrassed. He's been afraid, really. His identity is a delicate negotiation at the best of times, and he's not sure how much it would fray if he pushed on it. But he thinks -
"You've seen what I am, inside - underneath. Everything else is cosmetic."
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"Well, you did tell me your species was technically hermaphroditic ages ago, I don't know why the idea of your looking like a woman surprised me. I love who you are no matter what you want to look like."
A brief pause. "But I still think Gojyo would have a hard time with you seducing him as a woman," he adds, with a secret little grin for Jedao before kissing him again.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"I mostly want to top him anyway," he mutters at last, relinquishing the idea.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"If he's open to the idea," he says, "I call first dibs."
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"That sounds right," he agrees warmly.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"But," he said lightly, "I do know how to share."
He thinks he might feel a little jealous of both of them, but so long as he doesn't feel as if he specifically is unwanted, that would be all right.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"I don't really mind if he doesn't ever go for me. You know what I'm like." As lecherous as Gojyo, at least, and it's not like he isn't pretty.
"The only thing I was ever - once he was here, the only thing I was jealous of was that he liked dinner." Jedao swallows. "That he could...give you that, appreciate what you wanted to give so much better. And now even that's fine."
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"That's how I caught you, you know," Jedao points out, reaching to grip his hand in Hakkai's hair instead, not to hurt, but to let him feel the pressure, the not letting go. "Being so needy. And he wants to be needed, too. And he knows you have me. That's why he's so upset."
And Hakkai is trying very hard not to need him, to promise Jedao that he'll be okay either way, to be able to do the right thing if Gojyo doesn't want, as if that might be the problem.
"Even if you're set on being noble about it, maybe don't tell him that right away," Jedao advises, dryly.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
He trails off entirely, for a long moment, resting his head against Jedao's hand, feeling the solidity of his grip.
"Sometimes, it's hard to believe that anyone in the universe but you needs me."
He has to tell himself it's all right, that they don't. That Eiffel had appreciated them, but not needed them, and it's all right that he was happy to go with Shaw and Neal. That if Gojyo doesn't want to be with Hakkai forever more than he wants his hometown, his friends, Sanzo and Goku down the street forever, that's all right too. He can't let himself need more than he can have.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"You have me," he whispers at last, resting his forehead against Hakkai's, breath to breath, noses brushing. "You have me, and he doesn't, so you've got a better chance to be brave."
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"I know," he whispers back, his gaze sliding away from Jedao's in shame. He's being selfish, to be so afraid of Gojyo's reaction.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"I know that I can survive being desperately, unremittingly unhappy, because I've done it," he admits, the quiet awful truth that is the closest thing to I don't need you that he could ever say.
"But I don't want to. I don't ever want to do it again. And I won't ever do it again. You gave me that, before anything else, made me believe I was allowed to - want to be happy. Allowed to choose to be happy. To have a home. And it's not my home without you. And he gave that to you, first, even if he never said it, just by bringing you home. So - it's okay, if your home's not whole without him."
His thumb brushes back a fringe of Hakkai's bangs.
"And I don't think it's protecting you anymore, not admitting it all the way even to yourself."
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
He remembers the way his own thumb had felt, almost in the same place, before Goku had pulled his hand away.
"I know... love isn't always enough. Home isn't always enough. Family isn't always enough, to make someone stay. And I know that even if I could live through losing everything again, I don't want to, and I won't allow anyone to make me."
His voice is soft, a little distant, musing.
"So I... if I had lost Gojyo. At home, not knowing you. It really would have killed me. I used to think about it a lot, when we were traveling.
"I want him to be part of my life, part of our home. But I need to... I need to remind myself that it's not life or death."
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"It's not. I'm yours, and you're mine, and I'm with you for always. Even if you live a hundred thousand demon-blooded years, then in sixty trillion years when all the stars have turned to iron and I go down to John at the bottom of the universe, I'll be wearing your ring on my other hand and carrying around your skull with me in a box, because there still won't be any home for me without you. And I won't be without you again," he whispers, raw and wild and certain as the relentlessness of time.
"When you die I'm going to pluck out your eyeteeth and your glass eye and one fingerbone and carry them in the chambers of heart. I'm going to figure out how to shapeshift a real human heart just to hide your teeth in. I'm going to kiss you when you're dying, and steal your very last breath, to hold one more memory of the taste of you. There's no losing me, there's no escaping me, not in any world or any eternity."
He bites Hakkai, slow but then harder, like he almost can't bear to let go, enough to bruise for a little while even with youkai healing.
"But I also want you to have all the home you can stand, before then. I want you to grab it and hold onto it. So - it's okay to say you need him. Even if it's only the kind of need that's to live happier, and not to live at all. It's okay for that to be enough."
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
But he can't move any more than he can speak. He feels like nothing, like he is acutely and terribly unworthy of the universe-spanning declarations Jedao is offering him, but he believes each word. The contrast leaves him shuddering in Jedao's grip, unable to make any promise that could match it: feeling loved for all his filth, and feeling helplessly guilty for his own unworthiness.
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