Most of the skills he has in procedural knowledge and muscle memory from Jedao One involve killing people, so being actually quite good at therapeutic massage in particular makes for a nice change. He knows the muscle groups without ever having had to learn them; he knows how to ease out knots, when to use a light touch and when to go heavy. And he can feel those old fractures, the knots and tears and scar tissue, little traceries of uneven density as plain to his senses as though they were illuminated from within.
He works gently, restoring warmth and blood flow to where it ought to be. It's soothing for him, too, something to concentrate on, to be able to touch and also feel useful, to be doing somebody some good, even if Arthur only ended up in this situation from trying to help him in the first place.
His right leg's the worse for it, being the one almost completely dismembered by the King and blithely reset by Kayne, but both of them are a mess of knots regardless; Arthur's not one to let many people touch him at the best of times, and that thorough a massage is normally entirely out of the question.
Which means more often than not the sounds coming out of Arthur about it are more quiet huffs, or surprised hisses through his teeth when Jedao hits spots that Arthur didn't even realise are tender, but he's also melting a little as his legs actually relax without the unpleasant prickling twinges he's accustomed to.
It's tricky, but that just means being patient, observant, meticulous, and Jedao sinks into it, into the physical grounding of the motions and the intellectual challenge of judging how to work out each knot filling up his mind, occupying him so that he can't focus on his own messy emotions anymore; it's almost as much of a relief for him as it is for Arthur.
There's an abstract pride, in being comfortable enough in himself and his body, and his relationship with Jedao, that there's no awkwardness in accepting the hand, so he can actually relax into it. And when Jedao's finished with one he pulls it up curiously, just rolling his ankle to examine how loose it feels.
"Jesus," he huffs warmly. "I can't remember the last time I felt this- flexible." Not that it was ever something he pursued, but he did have some small fitness.
"Well. Anytime," Jedao promises him. He sits quietly for a little while; his hands feel empty now. He finds a smooth stone and tries to skip it over the river, but gets the angle wrong and just sort of throws it in instead.
He makes sure to bunch his coat under his ass some more so he doesn't have the same problem later on, but he lets himself relax next to Jedao again. Even spots a few more flat rocks, and picks one up to pass to Jedao while he takes his own shot - though he's well out of practice, and only gets two skips before it flips over with a satisfying plop into the deep.
He's decent at skipping rocks standing up; trying to do it sitting down is an unexpected challenge. The way he would use his whole body for angular momentum is off.
He gets one skip on his next one, and then cheats and uses mothpowers to make Arthur's next one go all the way across.
"So what do you love about her?"
If he wants to be better, he has to be better. That's all.
Give him a moment, he's been put on the spot, and he rolls his next stone in his hand as he thinks.
"She's a ferocious guardian, of whoever she decides needs defending, and cares about her people with mad fervour. She's not afraid to acknowledge the darker parts of herself, not in shame but recognition of their necessity." The rock ends up in both hands, tracing the rough shape with his blunt nails. "She's compassionate, and empathetic- when she lets herself be," he admits. "She's wickedly intelligent and won't stand down if she has a point she wants to make, but she'll suffer fools gladly if she thinks she'll get through to them."
He whiffs the stone, getting a few wild skips in. "I don't love that she refuses to acknowledge her shortcomings, though I recognise where that denial comes from. Or that she sees me as akin to the Cap'n by virtue of existing in a position of power over her, but we're working on that."
That gets an amused little huff, but he won't push the topic. If Jedao's jealous then telling him he'd probably get along with Sokie if he gave her a chance won't help.
"How are you feeling now?" he asks softly instead.
"Tired," he says eventually. Like he's run and run in circles, and puked his guts out about it, and not actually gotten anywhere, but at least he isn't actively retching anymore.
He hums sympathetically, leaning to press against Jedao again.
"People always say you're supposed to feel better after getting it all off your chest," he says sympathetically. "But mostly I find that I always just feel nauseous. Like it's somehow more dangerous than fighting for my life."
He shifts so he can rub Jedao's back with one hand.
"I don't think you've failed unless you use this as an excuse to give up on your feelings for John entirely," he says gently. "You're allowed to make mistakes, Jedao. This one's not irreparable."
"It doesn't...feel like a mistake. A mistake is something you do, and you can chose to act different. But I can't actually just...choose to feel different. The mistake is who I am. I'm just never going to be the person he deserves. I'm never going to be the person I wanted to be. I'm just going to hurt him, a little bit, forever. And he loves me, so he's going to let me."
"I don't believe that the way we feel about things can be... that that is the mistake we make."
His hand doesn't stop its gentle circuits of Jedao's back.
"When I was with my wife, Bella, I- I didn't love her. Not- romantically, I suppose, not the way you're supposed to love your partner. But the mistake I made, in all that, was... not realising that our arrangement was wrong soon enough, that it- it wasn't something I could just try harder to feel differently about her. She was brilliant, a-and I adored her as a friend, but... but loving her was..."
He sighs, and his hand stills for a moment. "My mistake was not telling her sooner. Or- at all, really. To give her the ability to do something with that for herself."
"It's going to hurt him," Jedao says, low in his chest, deep and quiet and awful, even as he leans into the touch a little.
"I know not telling him will too. I just. I just hate it. I wish I could take a big knife and crack my sternum like a walnut and cut all the rotten bits out of my heart. Like a piece of moldy fruit."
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Re: A few days after John's announcement
Re: A few days after John's announcement
Re: A few days after John's announcement
He works gently, restoring warmth and blood flow to where it ought to be. It's soothing for him, too, something to concentrate on, to be able to touch and also feel useful, to be doing somebody some good, even if Arthur only ended up in this situation from trying to help him in the first place.
Re: A few days after John's announcement
Which means more often than not the sounds coming out of Arthur about it are more quiet huffs, or surprised hisses through his teeth when Jedao hits spots that Arthur didn't even realise are tender, but he's also melting a little as his legs actually relax without the unpleasant prickling twinges he's accustomed to.
Re: A few days after John's announcement
Re: A few days after John's announcement
"Jesus," he huffs warmly. "I can't remember the last time I felt this- flexible." Not that it was ever something he pursued, but he did have some small fitness.
Re: A few days after John's announcement
Re: A few days after John's announcement
Re: A few days after John's announcement
He gets one skip on his next one, and then cheats and uses mothpowers to make Arthur's next one go all the way across.
"So what do you love about her?"
If he wants to be better, he has to be better. That's all.
Re: A few days after John's announcement
The question catches him off-guard, and he looks back at Jedao with a blink. "Her-- Faroe, or- oh, um. You mean Sokie?"
Re: A few days after John's announcement
"Sokie, yes."
Re: A few days after John's announcement
Give him a moment, he's been put on the spot, and he rolls his next stone in his hand as he thinks.
"She's a ferocious guardian, of whoever she decides needs defending, and cares about her people with mad fervour. She's not afraid to acknowledge the darker parts of herself, not in shame but recognition of their necessity." The rock ends up in both hands, tracing the rough shape with his blunt nails. "She's compassionate, and empathetic- when she lets herself be," he admits. "She's wickedly intelligent and won't stand down if she has a point she wants to make, but she'll suffer fools gladly if she thinks she'll get through to them."
He whiffs the stone, getting a few wild skips in. "I don't love that she refuses to acknowledge her shortcomings, though I recognise where that denial comes from. Or that she sees me as akin to the Cap'n by virtue of existing in a position of power over her, but we're working on that."
Re: A few days after John's announcement
"I hate it when immortals don't have their shit together. It always feels like a bad omen."
Re: A few days after John's announcement
Re: A few days after John's announcement
Re: A few days after John's announcement
"How are you feeling now?" he asks softly instead.
Re: A few days after John's announcement
"Empty. Sad."
Re: A few days after John's announcement
"People always say you're supposed to feel better after getting it all off your chest," he says sympathetically. "But mostly I find that I always just feel nauseous. Like it's somehow more dangerous than fighting for my life."
Re: A few days after John's announcement
"I don't feel in danger. I just...feel like I failed. So that sucks."
Re: A few days after John's announcement
Re: A few days after John's announcement
Re: A few days after John's announcement
"I don't think you've failed unless you use this as an excuse to give up on your feelings for John entirely," he says gently. "You're allowed to make mistakes, Jedao. This one's not irreparable."
Re: A few days after John's announcement
It's awful.
Re: A few days after John's announcement
His hand doesn't stop its gentle circuits of Jedao's back.
"When I was with my wife, Bella, I- I didn't love her. Not- romantically, I suppose, not the way you're supposed to love your partner. But the mistake I made, in all that, was... not realising that our arrangement was wrong soon enough, that it- it wasn't something I could just try harder to feel differently about her. She was brilliant, a-and I adored her as a friend, but... but loving her was..."
He sighs, and his hand stills for a moment. "My mistake was not telling her sooner. Or- at all, really. To give her the ability to do something with that for herself."
self harm imagery
"I know not telling him will too. I just. I just hate it. I wish I could take a big knife and crack my sternum like a walnut and cut all the rotten bits out of my heart. Like a piece of moldy fruit."
Re: self harm imagery
Re: self harm imagery
Re: self harm imagery
Re: self harm imagery
Re: self harm imagery
Re: self harm imagery
Re: self harm imagery
Re: self harm imagery
Re: self harm imagery
Re: self harm imagery
Re: self harm imagery
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