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His ears flick back and forward again as he tries to figure out why he doesn't want to say, why it's so hard. Guilt settles in his chest at the idea of getting Charlie in trouble, and resentment promptly comes to chase guilt's tail.
...Charlie. He saw me playing with Faroe and... was... concerned.
...Charlie. He saw me playing with Faroe and... was... concerned.
Oh no, Jedao answers, soft with sympathy rather than anger or alarm.
It sounds like you were having a nice time and then things got really messy and upsetting. What happened?
It sounds like you were having a nice time and then things got really messy and upsetting. What happened?
He presses his face against Jedao.
She was telling me what she liked about the barge and I turned into a fox for her and he tackled me.
She was telling me what she liked about the barge and I turned into a fox for her and he tackled me.
Jedao? Are you busy?
Should I come home?
That must have felt awful. I'm so sorry, Sunshine. Was Faroe okay?
It's nothing that I can't say over the communicator. That man with the mask on the network -- he's an ancient ghost from Xie Lian's world. He's been stalking Xie Lian for eight hundred years.
And he has a history of finding ways to hurt people Xie Lian cares about. Since you and I are family, and Edwin...
It's something we should be careful about.
And he has a history of finding ways to hurt people Xie Lian cares about. Since you and I are family, and Edwin...
It's something we should be careful about.
She cried. I tried to help her feel better, but I wasn't good at it. John is though.
I wouldn't have known what to do either, Jedao admits.
Ah.
He does - have that feel.
[An ancient ghost. Jedao had been - not exactly drawn to him. But he'd wanted -
He wants to reach him.]
Alright. I'll be careful.
He does - have that feel.
[An ancient ghost. Jedao had been - not exactly drawn to him. But he'd wanted -
He wants to reach him.]
Alright. I'll be careful.
All right. I promised Xie Lian I'd keep an eye on his important people.
[He offers a little smile.]
... and mine, of course.
[He offers a little smile.]
... and mine, of course.
It's a strange relief to hear that. For Jedao to say it so easily. He'd felt so stupid and useless, reciting poetry and rubbing her back while she sobbed and sobbed.
He turns to curl up on Jedao's lap again.
I told John I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't tell Arthur anything. I don't want-- I don't want anyone who likes Charlie to tell me why it's okay.
He's scared that they might, more accurately. He's afraid that something that hurts him that much could be called understandable, or that he has to put Charlie's feelings first because he was hurt more, by someone that Edwin doesn't remember being. That his brother doesn't want him to remember being. But he still has to feel bad about what that past god did, can't forget what he was born from, even though The King in Yellow feels more and more like a father he never even met.
This time when he changes shape, it's into a younger boy, the kid he was in the breach that made them family. He smushes his face against Jedao and clings to him around the waist.
"I don't know why it made me feel like this, and I don't know why it won't go away."
He turns to curl up on Jedao's lap again.
I told John I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't tell Arthur anything. I don't want-- I don't want anyone who likes Charlie to tell me why it's okay.
He's scared that they might, more accurately. He's afraid that something that hurts him that much could be called understandable, or that he has to put Charlie's feelings first because he was hurt more, by someone that Edwin doesn't remember being. That his brother doesn't want him to remember being. But he still has to feel bad about what that past god did, can't forget what he was born from, even though The King in Yellow feels more and more like a father he never even met.
This time when he changes shape, it's into a younger boy, the kid he was in the breach that made them family. He smushes his face against Jedao and clings to him around the waist.
"I don't know why it made me feel like this, and I don't know why it won't go away."
Oh. My baby, Jedao says softly, and the wave of loving tenderness that rolls through him aches all through his chest, in his throat, in his fingertips.
My sweet boy. He clings back, rocks slightly backward and forward.
Sometimes, it's harder to deal with things that caught us by surprise. And it's hardest to ease pain when we try to...deny ourselves the right to feel it. It's not okay, that he startled you and made her cry, that he ruined a good time you were having with someone who didn't know anything about the King at all, who only saw you, and just liked who she saw.
It can be awful and unfair that he did that to you, without...without needing to count or compare anything or punish anyone.
And it always feels awful to be treated like a monster when you've been trying very hard to be trustworthy, no matter what anyone's reasons are, and worse when you can't even...when you don't have an avenue to defend yourself. I'm so sorry, Edwin.
My sweet boy. He clings back, rocks slightly backward and forward.
Sometimes, it's harder to deal with things that caught us by surprise. And it's hardest to ease pain when we try to...deny ourselves the right to feel it. It's not okay, that he startled you and made her cry, that he ruined a good time you were having with someone who didn't know anything about the King at all, who only saw you, and just liked who she saw.
It can be awful and unfair that he did that to you, without...without needing to count or compare anything or punish anyone.
And it always feels awful to be treated like a monster when you've been trying very hard to be trustworthy, no matter what anyone's reasons are, and worse when you can't even...when you don't have an avenue to defend yourself. I'm so sorry, Edwin.
Did Xie Lian say anything about his preferred tactics?
['Hurting people' could cover a wide range.]
['Hurting people' could cover a wide range.]
Not directly.
[A long pause.]
But from what I've gathered... he's obsessed with Xie Lian. In the past, he's arranged events to isolate him and drive him to violence and despair. To... make Xie Lian like himself.
So I don't think he'll do anything immediately. But he'll probably go looking for information.
[A long pause.]
But from what I've gathered... he's obsessed with Xie Lian. In the past, he's arranged events to isolate him and drive him to violence and despair. To... make Xie Lian like himself.
So I don't think he'll do anything immediately. But he'll probably go looking for information.
"So you don't have any practice. But I hear you're a quick learner," Jedao points out, with soft warmth.
"But you don't let yourself be angry, even with him." It's not an accusation, just a quiet, inexorable observation.
"But you don't let yourself be angry, even with him." It's not an accusation, just a quiet, inexorable observation.
His shoulders twitch slightly. "What purpose does anger serve?"
"It can have a few different purposes. But does everything about you need to serve a purpose?" Jedao counters, softly.
That look of faint resignation and sortie settles over his features again, and this time it lingers.
"It always has," he points out softly. "I... am trying. But, after so long, I do not know any other way to be. And-" He swallow before continuing- "I do not like the feeling of anger. I do not like the... the person it makes me." He's seen first hand how it consumed his didi warping him beyond all recognition, and he very much fears that for himself.
"It always has," he points out softly. "I... am trying. But, after so long, I do not know any other way to be. And-" He swallow before continuing- "I do not like the feeling of anger. I do not like the... the person it makes me." He's seen first hand how it consumed his didi warping him beyond all recognition, and he very much fears that for himself.
"Tell me more about that," Jedao says, gently, safely.
I see.
Hard to isolate anyone in here. We're crammed in like marines in a boxmoth.
[But if he wanted to hurt Jedao and Hakkai - Eiffel would be the most vulnerable connection physically. Probably Edwin, emotionally.]
Hard to isolate anyone in here. We're crammed in like marines in a boxmoth.
[But if he wanted to hurt Jedao and Hakkai - Eiffel would be the most vulnerable connection physically. Probably Edwin, emotionally.]
It really is. But I've seen people manage to withdraw quite effectively, at times....
[Eiffel, Hakkai hopes, is far enough from Xie Lian to be safe. A friend of friends. Edwin is -- closer, and as much power as he has, can be easy to hurt.]
Well, it's something we should be careful about, anyway.
[Eiffel, Hakkai hopes, is far enough from Xie Lian to be safe. A friend of friends. Edwin is -- closer, and as much power as he has, can be easy to hurt.]
Well, it's something we should be careful about, anyway.
[Jedao nods.]
I've spoken to him, and I can see how he might just as easily isolate himself.
I want to...try with him. But I'll be careful.
I've spoken to him, and I can see how he might just as easily isolate himself.
I want to...try with him. But I'll be careful.
Maybe just avoid the topic of Xie Lian.
[Jedao's feelings about troubled immortals are something that Hakkai is familiar with, but... well. He'd rather not see Jedao hurt for it. He lets out a breath, after a moment.]
... I trust you.
[Jedao's feelings about troubled immortals are something that Hakkai is familiar with, but... well. He'd rather not see Jedao hurt for it. He lets out a breath, after a moment.]
... I trust you.
[Jedao smiles at him, appreciating it.]
Thank you, Hakkai-shei.
I...he's similar, but also very different. Kujen was happy and petty and bored. He didn't feel despair at all.
[Anger and obsession and despair are still ways of caring about the world, of reacting to things other than selfishness. The barge thinks that Jun Wu can change. Jedao wants to give him - an open hand, a chance. But it's nice to place him firmly in the category of beautiful, but my father-in-law's problem, as extra surety against becoming too entangled.]
Thank you, Hakkai-shei.
I...he's similar, but also very different. Kujen was happy and petty and bored. He didn't feel despair at all.
[Anger and obsession and despair are still ways of caring about the world, of reacting to things other than selfishness. The barge thinks that Jun Wu can change. Jedao wants to give him - an open hand, a chance. But it's nice to place him firmly in the category of beautiful, but my father-in-law's problem, as extra surety against becoming too entangled.]
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