It's a strange relief to hear that. For Jedao to say it so easily. He'd felt so stupid and useless, reciting poetry and rubbing her back while she sobbed and sobbed.
He turns to curl up on Jedao's lap again.
I told John I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't tell Arthur anything. I don't want-- I don't want anyone who likes Charlie to tell me why it's okay.
He's scared that they might, more accurately. He's afraid that something that hurts him that much could be called understandable, or that he has to put Charlie's feelings first because he was hurt more, by someone that Edwin doesn't remember being. That his brother doesn't want him to remember being. But he still has to feel bad about what that past god did, can't forget what he was born from, even though The King in Yellow feels more and more like a father he never even met.
This time when he changes shape, it's into a younger boy, the kid he was in the breach that made them family. He smushes his face against Jedao and clings to him around the waist.
"I don't know why it made me feel like this, and I don't know why it won't go away."
Oh. My baby, Jedao says softly, and the wave of loving tenderness that rolls through him aches all through his chest, in his throat, in his fingertips.
My sweet boy. He clings back, rocks slightly backward and forward.
Sometimes, it's harder to deal with things that caught us by surprise. And it's hardest to ease pain when we try to...deny ourselves the right to feel it. It's not okay, that he startled you and made her cry, that he ruined a good time you were having with someone who didn't know anything about the King at all, who only saw you, and just liked who she saw.
It can be awful and unfair that he did that to you, without...without needing to count or compare anything or punish anyone.
And it always feels awful to be treated like a monster when you've been trying very hard to be trustworthy, no matter what anyone's reasons are, and worse when you can't even...when you don't have an avenue to defend yourself. I'm so sorry, Edwin.
That's it. That's what it is, it's that Faroe-- she met Edwin. She only knew him. And then Charlie spoiled the first time he got to be someone without a violent shadow. He clings harder, crying again, quietly this time.
I really have been trying to be-- to be nice to him, to be respectful a-and-- I know... I know I was the same with Arthur when I came but we could talk, we would talk, and it got... better. Arthur and John keep saying he doesn't have to forgive me, and I know he doesn't have to forgive me, but he doesn't-- I don't-- He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me, I try to stay away from him and he attacks me. But I can't talk to him like Arthur did for me, either. I don't know what to do.
He can't forgive you, because you aren't the person who hurt him, Jedao says firmly.
Not really. You know it. And he's not letting himself know it, and just because that's probably fucking with him even worse than it's fucking with you, that doesn't make it any better.
Jedao strokes his hand through Edwin's hair.
You've done exactly right. It's not yours to fix, Sunshine. I'm going to talk to him, okay?
When Jedao says he can't forgive you, Edwin starts to tense.
But then the rest of it comes out.
Because you aren't the person who hurt him.
Edwin gives a tiny little gasp, the sound like an inhalation after held breath. Tension drops out of him all at once, and-- yeah he's just going to cry really hard for a little bit.
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It sounds like you were having a nice time and then things got really messy and upsetting. What happened?
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She was telling me what she liked about the barge and I turned into a fox for her and he tackled me.
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He turns to curl up on Jedao's lap again.
I told John I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't tell Arthur anything. I don't want-- I don't want anyone who likes Charlie to tell me why it's okay.
He's scared that they might, more accurately. He's afraid that something that hurts him that much could be called understandable, or that he has to put Charlie's feelings first because he was hurt more, by someone that Edwin doesn't remember being. That his brother doesn't want him to remember being. But he still has to feel bad about what that past god did, can't forget what he was born from, even though The King in Yellow feels more and more like a father he never even met.
This time when he changes shape, it's into a younger boy, the kid he was in the breach that made them family. He smushes his face against Jedao and clings to him around the waist.
"I don't know why it made me feel like this, and I don't know why it won't go away."
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My sweet boy. He clings back, rocks slightly backward and forward.
Sometimes, it's harder to deal with things that caught us by surprise. And it's hardest to ease pain when we try to...deny ourselves the right to feel it. It's not okay, that he startled you and made her cry, that he ruined a good time you were having with someone who didn't know anything about the King at all, who only saw you, and just liked who she saw.
It can be awful and unfair that he did that to you, without...without needing to count or compare anything or punish anyone.
And it always feels awful to be treated like a monster when you've been trying very hard to be trustworthy, no matter what anyone's reasons are, and worse when you can't even...when you don't have an avenue to defend yourself. I'm so sorry, Edwin.
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I really have been trying to be-- to be nice to him, to be respectful a-and-- I know... I know I was the same with Arthur when I came but we could talk, we would talk, and it got... better. Arthur and John keep saying he doesn't have to forgive me, and I know he doesn't have to forgive me, but he doesn't-- I don't-- He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me, I try to stay away from him and he attacks me. But I can't talk to him like Arthur did for me, either. I don't know what to do.
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Not really. You know it. And he's not letting himself know it, and just because that's probably fucking with him even worse than it's fucking with you, that doesn't make it any better.
Jedao strokes his hand through Edwin's hair.
You've done exactly right. It's not yours to fix, Sunshine. I'm going to talk to him, okay?
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But then the rest of it comes out.
Because you aren't the person who hurt him.
Edwin gives a tiny little gasp, the sound like an inhalation after held breath. Tension drops out of him all at once, and-- yeah he's just going to cry really hard for a little bit.
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