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Well, yes. When you believe everyone would hurt you if they had the chance, you'll make enemies of them all in self-defense and never realize you're doing it to yourself.
[He runs his thumb along Jedao's twitching finger, recognizing the reflex, wondering at it. He's never seen Jedao hold a gun.]
I'd like to think that's its own punishment.
But if I'm being honest I would like to tell Arthur his inmate needs to be paddled so hard he can't sit down for a week.
[He runs his thumb along Jedao's twitching finger, recognizing the reflex, wondering at it. He's never seen Jedao hold a gun.]
I'd like to think that's its own punishment.
But if I'm being honest I would like to tell Arthur his inmate needs to be paddled so hard he can't sit down for a week.
It's more clear-eyed than that. He wants to win a very cruel game. He wants to succeed in his world. And in order to succeed in those terms, he knows he will hurt everyone around him and make enemies of them. He's decided that's not only acceptable, but a strategy he's proud of. After all, if he knows he'll make someone an enemy eventually, and they don't know, he can get the drop on them. An important factor for someone outclassed in raw power.
[As he did with Hakkai.]
But he's too stupid to adapt when the rewards of that game are not available. Poor lamb.
[Jedao sounds like he might be simmering mint sauce, if Hakkai didn't know better.]
[As he did with Hakkai.]
But he's too stupid to adapt when the rewards of that game are not available. Poor lamb.
[Jedao sounds like he might be simmering mint sauce, if Hakkai didn't know better.]
Edited 2023-07-19 23:10 (UTC)
[He definitely sounds like he'd like to be simmering mint sauce. Hakkai lets out a long slow breath and runs his thumb along the edge of Jedao's hand again.
Quietly:]
If I had to guess, I would guess that he's stupid enough to believe that there are two classes of people, the stupid and the ones who think exactly like he does but simply haven't made their moves yet.
I'm not absolving him. I'm... very upset he betrayed both of us this way.
[His voice is very light and mild when he says that, carefully wrapped in decorum so as not to show the sharp edges.]
But I think he's young enough to learn better if he ever lets himself care about someone else.
Quietly:]
If I had to guess, I would guess that he's stupid enough to believe that there are two classes of people, the stupid and the ones who think exactly like he does but simply haven't made their moves yet.
I'm not absolving him. I'm... very upset he betrayed both of us this way.
[His voice is very light and mild when he says that, carefully wrapped in decorum so as not to show the sharp edges.]
But I think he's young enough to learn better if he ever lets himself care about someone else.
[Jedao, who had all his moral principles sorted out without having ever experienced a scrap of sincere human kindness by the tender age of four weeks, rather thinks Nat is old enough to have learned already if he was ever going to. But then, he could be wrong.]
I don't think you're absolving him. I just...I think it's more frustrating for you, because you wanted to confront him with what he'd lost by this. But -
[Jedao's voice is softer now. He can feel the edges and the silk simultaneously, and he's turning his focus back to Hakkai, with careful effort.]
But it was something he forfeited deliberately, because he never valued it. And that's - that's just fucking awful, isn't it. For someone to decide on purpose that your kindness - offered on purpose, knowing the risk, despite the difficulty - to decide it's worthless to him.
[The poison will clear from Hakkai's body a lot sooner than that sting, Jedao is sure.]
I'm so fucking sorry, Hakkai-shei.
[The first time he's put the affectionate honorific with the new name.]
I don't think you're absolving him. I just...I think it's more frustrating for you, because you wanted to confront him with what he'd lost by this. But -
[Jedao's voice is softer now. He can feel the edges and the silk simultaneously, and he's turning his focus back to Hakkai, with careful effort.]
But it was something he forfeited deliberately, because he never valued it. And that's - that's just fucking awful, isn't it. For someone to decide on purpose that your kindness - offered on purpose, knowing the risk, despite the difficulty - to decide it's worthless to him.
[The poison will clear from Hakkai's body a lot sooner than that sting, Jedao is sure.]
I'm so fucking sorry, Hakkai-shei.
[The first time he's put the affectionate honorific with the new name.]
[Hakkai-shei strikes him sharply, more sharply than he had anticipated, and Hakkai draws an unsteady breath as his hand tightens on Jedao's for a long moment. It feels as if a piece of himself had dropped into place and proven, shockingly, to fit.
He closes his eyes for a moment.]
Actually--
[There's a thread of wry humor in his voice, thin but there--]
I think I might just be insulted because I went to so much effort to offer kindness to him and I'm not sure he ever even noticed.
'How dare he think all that work was worthless--' [and then, letting the humor slip away] '--how dare he judge everything about me less important than scoring a symbolic little revenge for a slight that only ever existed in his own head.'
[Including Hakkai's actual life. He doesn't care what Arthur says about Nathaniel's views on the non-personhood of nonhuman life in particular: he's willing to believe Nathaniel when the boy says he'd have done the same thing to a human he thought was keeping a secret from him.]
He closes his eyes for a moment.]
Actually--
[There's a thread of wry humor in his voice, thin but there--]
I think I might just be insulted because I went to so much effort to offer kindness to him and I'm not sure he ever even noticed.
'How dare he think all that work was worthless--' [and then, letting the humor slip away] '--how dare he judge everything about me less important than scoring a symbolic little revenge for a slight that only ever existed in his own head.'
[Including Hakkai's actual life. He doesn't care what Arthur says about Nathaniel's views on the non-personhood of nonhuman life in particular: he's willing to believe Nathaniel when the boy says he'd have done the same thing to a human he thought was keeping a secret from him.]
Vindictive little shit.
People do things they find rewarding. He likes getting symbolic little revenges. It's like a glimpse of his dreams of being the boot.
[And it's also one of the only real joys Nathaniel has had to hold onto during his life. That's something Jedao could sympathize with, but he's simply not going to. Nathaniel has not forfeited the benefits of Jedao's principles or his protection, but he has certainly forfeited his affection and empathy. He doesn't want them, and Jedao will not be foolishly, pointlessly providing them any longer.]
I expect any excuse would do, if he could make it sound good to the masters that live in his head.
[Most of the pitch-black bitterness replaced by spare, dry, shockingly pure contempt is at least a different tone.]
People do things they find rewarding. He likes getting symbolic little revenges. It's like a glimpse of his dreams of being the boot.
[And it's also one of the only real joys Nathaniel has had to hold onto during his life. That's something Jedao could sympathize with, but he's simply not going to. Nathaniel has not forfeited the benefits of Jedao's principles or his protection, but he has certainly forfeited his affection and empathy. He doesn't want them, and Jedao will not be foolishly, pointlessly providing them any longer.]
I expect any excuse would do, if he could make it sound good to the masters that live in his head.
[Most of the pitch-black bitterness replaced by spare, dry, shockingly pure contempt is at least a different tone.]
Edited 2023-07-20 00:20 (UTC)
[Hakkai leans over to brush a kiss across Jedao's lips.]
I love your uncompromising sense of justice.
[Jedao's not wrong. And Hakkai isn't about to forgive Nat for what he's done, not without some sort of expression of remorse at the very least.
But it's hard for Hakkai to be quite so judgmental about it. Nat is, after all, fifteen.]
I love your uncompromising sense of justice.
[Jedao's not wrong. And Hakkai isn't about to forgive Nat for what he's done, not without some sort of expression of remorse at the very least.
But it's hard for Hakkai to be quite so judgmental about it. Nat is, after all, fifteen.]
[Fifteen? Never heard of it.]
I love you.
[Jedao nuzzles his cheek a little, even cracks a small smile.]
Do you think we should tell people you're the nice one?
I love you.
[Jedao nuzzles his cheek a little, even cracks a small smile.]
Do you think we should tell people you're the nice one?
Edited 2023-07-20 01:20 (UTC)
Let's not. Anyone who finds out on their own deserves to be surprised.
[Like John, apparently. He smiles back, small but sincere, and tugs Jedao's hand up so that their clasped hands can rest between their chests. Quietly:]
I'm sorry he betrayed you like that, too.
[Because even though Hakkai had been the one drinking poison, Jedao was the one who remembered Nat as a brother, who had treated him that way for a year and a half.]
[Like John, apparently. He smiles back, small but sincere, and tugs Jedao's hand up so that their clasped hands can rest between their chests. Quietly:]
I'm sorry he betrayed you like that, too.
[Because even though Hakkai had been the one drinking poison, Jedao was the one who remembered Nat as a brother, who had treated him that way for a year and a half.]
[You can't betray someone you were never loyal to, Jedao thinks. It's his own fault for imagining something that wasn't there. But he doesn't know how to say that out loud without being cruel, without implying that Hakkai wasn't betrayed either.]
I'll be okay. Promise.
I'll be okay. Promise.
It's all right not to be okay right away.
[You can't be betrayed by someone you never trusted. But it's still betrayal, Hakkai thinks, even if someone had led you to believe they were loyal, and it had always been a lie.]
[You can't be betrayed by someone you never trusted. But it's still betrayal, Hakkai thinks, even if someone had led you to believe they were loyal, and it had always been a lie.]
[Jedao doesn't feel like Nat ever misled him. He knew - Nathaniel was very upfront that caring about others was stupid. That what they had was a tactical exchange. Jedao went along with it and told himself Nathaniel did care, deep down, but couldn't admit it. But he never pushed. He told himself he was so understanding. He was delusional.]
I'm definitely not. But I will be.
[All he needs is time. And maybe a very stiff beating from Norton, to blot his thoughts out for a little while. Not now, though.]
You should let me pamper you a little. That would help.
[Shamelessly cheeky.]
I'm definitely not. But I will be.
[All he needs is time. And maybe a very stiff beating from Norton, to blot his thoughts out for a little while. Not now, though.]
You should let me pamper you a little. That would help.
[Shamelessly cheeky.]
[Hakkai chuckles softly, and lets himself settle against Jedao, lets himself be settled. He still feels the hurt of it lodged deep himself, a splinter of rejection where he'd been hoping he would be able to find a connection instead, where he'd held onto that caring he'd felt for a different world's Nathaniel.
But it's not enough of a hurt to make him stupid about this. Nathaniel made his choice.]
I could be convinced to let you pamper me.
But it's not enough of a hurt to make him stupid about this. Nathaniel made his choice.]
I could be convinced to let you pamper me.
Hey.
I heard about what happened. Obviously.
...anything I can do to help? You, I mean.
I heard about what happened. Obviously.
...anything I can do to help? You, I mean.
Edited 2023-07-21 00:55 (UTC)
We really appreciate the soup, thank you.
[....processing...]
...me?
[....processing...]
...me?
You. Yeah.
...it's really fucked up to find someone you care about like that. It fucks me up a lot when Arthur gets hurt.
...it's really fucked up to find someone you care about like that. It fucks me up a lot when Arthur gets hurt.
[Taken aback, Jedao swallows.]
It wasn't great, no.
It wasn't great, no.
[Jedao kisses him softly, strokes his hair a little.]
What would you like? Massage out some of the muscle aches, maybe? Fancy bath later?
[Jedao has so many fancy bath oils.]
What would you like? Massage out some of the muscle aches, maybe? Fancy bath later?
[Jedao has so many fancy bath oils.]
We don't know each other that well. But you helped me when Henry was being an asshole.
So I wanted to see if I could help you too.
Especially since...
[ He considers his words. ]
Especially since sometimes the worst part is after, just because there's nothing to make it stop feeling awful.
So I wanted to see if I could help you too.
Especially since...
[ He considers his words. ]
Especially since sometimes the worst part is after, just because there's nothing to make it stop feeling awful.
... Heat up one of those soups that John made for me, get a blanket, and curl up with me here on the couch.
You could put on one of your forest soundscapes?
[He brushes another kiss against Jedao's lips.]
Maybe a fancy bath later. But I still have to go talk to Sebastian today. He'll probably hold it against me that I took a full day after we were temporarily paired, as it is....
You could put on one of your forest soundscapes?
[He brushes another kiss against Jedao's lips.]
Maybe a fancy bath later. But I still have to go talk to Sebastian today. He'll probably hold it against me that I took a full day after we were temporarily paired, as it is....
I feel so...selfish. It's not...
[It didn't happen to him. Even though, obviously, it could have.]
[It didn't happen to him. Even though, obviously, it could have.]
Very possibly.
You know him already?
[Hakkai talks about him like he does. He goes to fetch the soup, but he's still listening.]
You know him already?
[Hakkai talks about him like he does. He goes to fetch the soup, but he's still listening.]
...what's selfish about feeling things?
It's not like there's only so many feelings and you're taking a bunch from Hakkai.
Um. Unless it is. Is that how it works for you?
[ This is a 100% earnest question. He has no idea. ]
It's not like there's only so many feelings and you're taking a bunch from Hakkai.
Um. Unless it is. Is that how it works for you?
[ This is a 100% earnest question. He has no idea. ]
[Hakkai half-turns, pillowing his chin on crossed arms on the back of the sofa as he talks.]
I do. We worked together in the kitchen, and he's helped me in the greenhouse, too.
He's not human, but I'm not sure exactly what kind of nonhuman. He works as a servant and tutor for a young nobleman back home, and has for a few years now.
[What else does he know about Sebastian...]
He likes cats quite a lot.
I do. We worked together in the kitchen, and he's helped me in the greenhouse, too.
He's not human, but I'm not sure exactly what kind of nonhuman. He works as a servant and tutor for a young nobleman back home, and has for a few years now.
[What else does he know about Sebastian...]
He likes cats quite a lot.
Feelings, no. But there's only so much energy and attention you can bring to bear on anything at a time. I should be focused on Hakkai, on taking care of him. But...the worst part, for me, is that I loved him.
[He doesn't mean Hakkai. He means Nat. Suddenly Jedao laughs, quick and bright and harsh, like being splashed with vinegar.]
How stupid is that?
[He doesn't mean Hakkai. He means Nat. Suddenly Jedao laughs, quick and bright and harsh, like being splashed with vinegar.]
How stupid is that?
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