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Hakkai wishes for his cold teacup for a moment, to give his hands something to do other than squeeze each other until his fingers go numb. It's on the table, and so he deliberately relaxes his grip instead, finger by finger.
"I am nothing that shines." His voice is matter-of-fact, utterly level.
It's not that the younger Jedao had seen him that way that bothers him, although it had made him -- wonder, how different it is for Jedao to see a fiancé and a lover.
It's that his Jedao had said it, all affectionate sincerity, as if of course Hakkai was so bright as to dazzle unaccustomed eyes.
"I am nothing that shines." His voice is matter-of-fact, utterly level.
It's not that the younger Jedao had seen him that way that bothers him, although it had made him -- wonder, how different it is for Jedao to see a fiancé and a lover.
It's that his Jedao had said it, all affectionate sincerity, as if of course Hakkai was so bright as to dazzle unaccustomed eyes.
Jedao leans back a little against the couch so he can look up into Eiffel's face again, although he doesn't let go of Eiffel's waist.
"What about you, sweetheart? How are you holding up?"
"What about you, sweetheart? How are you holding up?"
Edited 2023-12-20 04:39 (UTC)
"Hmm," Jedao says softly, then holds out his hands, palm-up, waiting for Hakkai to take them to squeeze instead.
Hakkai looks up at him, surprised, before reaching out slowly to set his hands on Jedao's, palm to palm.
He doesn't squeeze, just rests them there, bird-light.
He doesn't squeeze, just rests them there, bird-light.
Jedao squeezes instead, warm and tight.
"Do you remember, the first time I saw you, the flood we were having?"
"Do you remember, the first time I saw you, the flood we were having?"
"Oh, yes," Hakkai murmurs. In retrospect, he has -- some different feelings about what his aura had been doing during that flood; but he's never really had to discuss it.
"You were shining the first day we met," Jedao says softly. "You were shining with everything inside you. And I couldn't read it, then, but I wanted to." He strokes his thumbs along the bones of Hakkai's hands, doesn't let go.
"My sword is made of nothing but light," Jedao murmurs. "You can't even cut rope with it. It only exists to kill living creatures. It shines white and red and with the day and the hour of your death." An old Kel superstition, but it's the myth that matters, sometimes. "It kills, and it shines, and it belongs in my hand." Absolute certainty.
"Stars are death. They are screaming poison fire for billions of years. They might be one of the only things that could kill me. And they sustain everything that lives on this side of gatespace. And they shine and shine and shine." Jedao wets his lips for moment, before continuing.
"He didn't know you. He was dazzled and singed by...the idea of being really loved by anyone at all. I know you. I know how ferocious and ruthless and ragged and sharp you are. You are the murderer that you are. And that killer that I've known, all along, is all my shining stars. I'm a moth, Hakkai-shei. I belong with the stars."
"And you have every right to claim me. You're the only one who does."
"My sword is made of nothing but light," Jedao murmurs. "You can't even cut rope with it. It only exists to kill living creatures. It shines white and red and with the day and the hour of your death." An old Kel superstition, but it's the myth that matters, sometimes. "It kills, and it shines, and it belongs in my hand." Absolute certainty.
"Stars are death. They are screaming poison fire for billions of years. They might be one of the only things that could kill me. And they sustain everything that lives on this side of gatespace. And they shine and shine and shine." Jedao wets his lips for moment, before continuing.
"He didn't know you. He was dazzled and singed by...the idea of being really loved by anyone at all. I know you. I know how ferocious and ruthless and ragged and sharp you are. You are the murderer that you are. And that killer that I've known, all along, is all my shining stars. I'm a moth, Hakkai-shei. I belong with the stars."
"And you have every right to claim me. You're the only one who does."
He leans back too, resting his forearms on Jedao's shoulders so he can blow a loud, haggard sigh into the air.
"Well, my brother's having an existential crisis and trying to go on a bender, so I couldn't even help him even if he did tell me where he was."
"Well, my brother's having an existential crisis and trying to go on a bender, so I couldn't even help him even if he did tell me where he was."
Hakkai turns his hands in Jedao's grip as he speaks, so that he can tighten them around Jedao's, until his own bones feel as if they might creak from the pressure; he's silent until Jedao finishes, and even then, all he can manage at first is a soft sound, three-quarters breath and wholly overwhelmed.
"Being yours," he says softly, "is real. Being a husband feels like a lie, but I would lie to anyone else for you, Jedao-shei.
"I'm only afraid of... ever having to lie to you. So long as you know who I am...."
He leans forward, resting his forehead against their entwined hands.
"So long as you know that, it's all right."
"Being yours," he says softly, "is real. Being a husband feels like a lie, but I would lie to anyone else for you, Jedao-shei.
"I'm only afraid of... ever having to lie to you. So long as you know who I am...."
He leans forward, resting his forehead against their entwined hands.
"So long as you know that, it's all right."
"I know," Jedao promises. "I -"
I won't ever forget, he almost says, as though he didn't just forget for a whole week.
"I have never once been tempted to pretend to myself that I didn't. Not for a second." He knows, and he doesn't want Hakkai to be anyone else.
I won't ever forget, he almost says, as though he didn't just forget for a whole week.
"I have never once been tempted to pretend to myself that I didn't. Not for a second." He knows, and he doesn't want Hakkai to be anyone else.
"I love you."
Hakkai lets his grip loosen a little, just until it's no longer painfully tight, and brushes a kiss over Jedao's knuckles before he sits back up.
"I'm sorry," he adds, in a low voice. He does know when he's being ridiculous, even if he's not sure how to make himself stop.
Hakkai lets his grip loosen a little, just until it's no longer painfully tight, and brushes a kiss over Jedao's knuckles before he sits back up.
"I'm sorry," he adds, in a low voice. He does know when he's being ridiculous, even if he's not sure how to make himself stop.
Jedao yells, cries out with a long, sharp Ah-, and holds perfectly still because Hakkai has trained him not to wiggle when the pain gets serious.
"Pleasepleasepleaseplease," Jedao begs, barely aware he's even capable of forming words out loud, barely aware what he's asking for, beyond more.
"Pleasepleasepleaseplease," Jedao begs, barely aware he's even capable of forming words out loud, barely aware what he's asking for, beyond more.
"I love you," Jedao replies, and brushes a kiss against Hakkai's forehead after.
"I'm very glad you told me. And I don't want to scare you again, but I think you're dead wrong about not being a person enough to be my husband, and I'm going to be obnoxious about it, so maybe think about that before you apologize too much."
He's teasing, very lightly; his grip loosens too but he doesn't let go.
"It's okay if the person you are isn't sure about being a husband. If the person you pretend to be with for other people comes to the wedding, and we trick everyone and I steal your name and we fool them all. But my lover is a person, too."
"I'm very glad you told me. And I don't want to scare you again, but I think you're dead wrong about not being a person enough to be my husband, and I'm going to be obnoxious about it, so maybe think about that before you apologize too much."
He's teasing, very lightly; his grip loosens too but he doesn't let go.
"It's okay if the person you are isn't sure about being a husband. If the person you pretend to be with for other people comes to the wedding, and we trick everyone and I steal your name and we fool them all. But my lover is a person, too."
Jedao's mouth tightens for a moment. Neal has many admirable qualities, but it's also extremely annoying that he keeps doing project proposals while being allergic to details, and now Eiffel's worried and it's still Jedao's fault, forgiven or no.
It is, of course, much worse for Neal. Jedao breathes through the aggravation, down to what matters.
"He's taking it that badly?" Jedao asks, a sincere question with sincere empathy, even though he still isn't totally sure which part of what he said it was.
It is, of course, much worse for Neal. Jedao breathes through the aggravation, down to what matters.
"He's taking it that badly?" Jedao asks, a sincere question with sincere empathy, even though he still isn't totally sure which part of what he said it was.
Edited 2023-12-20 06:17 (UTC)
"I know I'm enough of a person to be your lover," Hakkai says softly. "I'm -- enough of a person for myself, even, most of the time. But I've never been enough of a person to stand up in front of everyone and tell the truth."
Even before he was a murderer, he was always a liar. No one would have accepted him and Kanan if they knew -- and even the lie only let them be accepted on sufferance, because even if they weren't twins, they were still orphans and strangers. After... both youkai and human were a lie, after. His very name was a lie, even if he's grown into it with time.
"I'll give you my name," he adds. "That, you won't be stealing. But I'd still feel better about it if I could fight someone."
Then maybe he'd feel as if he'd earned the right to be heard.
Even before he was a murderer, he was always a liar. No one would have accepted him and Kanan if they knew -- and even the lie only let them be accepted on sufferance, because even if they weren't twins, they were still orphans and strangers. After... both youkai and human were a lie, after. His very name was a lie, even if he's grown into it with time.
"I'll give you my name," he adds. "That, you won't be stealing. But I'd still feel better about it if I could fight someone."
Then maybe he'd feel as if he'd earned the right to be heard.
"Ehh. It's not just you," he grimaces, running his own hand through his hair briefly, and then leaning back a little to pull his hair tie loose. "Every time he does one of these he gets in a funk afterwards. He wants to help people, sure, but those essays just... aren't working the way he wants 'em to." He combs his hair as he talks, gathering it to tie back up.
Jedao hums quietly.
"Tools just...tell you whatever they're told to tell you," Jedao says softly. "Animals don't speak at all."
Including moths, most of the time. It is not given to moths to speak, even though they can. He thinks of the silence of the rest of his swarm, the way Revenant explained it. About rank, about deference.
"It takes a person, to be a liar. You don't have to have told the truth, to deserve to be heard in the place where people get to talk. No matter what you say." Truth or not.
"And I love you just the same no matter what you tell everyone else. But I'll see if I can recruit anyone for you."
"Tools just...tell you whatever they're told to tell you," Jedao says softly. "Animals don't speak at all."
Including moths, most of the time. It is not given to moths to speak, even though they can. He thinks of the silence of the rest of his swarm, the way Revenant explained it. About rank, about deference.
"It takes a person, to be a liar. You don't have to have told the truth, to deserve to be heard in the place where people get to talk. No matter what you say." Truth or not.
"And I love you just the same no matter what you tell everyone else. But I'll see if I can recruit anyone for you."
Edited 2023-12-20 06:34 (UTC)
"Mmhm," Jedao says quietly. A bender is pretty bad, though, and it was definitely a lot Jedao this time.
"Do they have finger traps, on Earth?"
"Do they have finger traps, on Earth?"
"Yeah, they're Chinese on our world. The kind where the more you yank like a jumping jackrabbit the tighter it gets, you have to go slow and steady to get it off." There's the quiet smack of his hairtie as he lowers his hands. "That the kind you're talking about?"
"Yeah. You see what I mean, though, right?"
Eiffel isn't the most socially perceptive - when his instincts are good, they're amazing, but he's more often coasting on sheer earnest good will than understanding the nuances.
But it's. It's happening right there.
Eiffel isn't the most socially perceptive - when his instincts are good, they're amazing, but he's more often coasting on sheer earnest good will than understanding the nuances.
But it's. It's happening right there.
He just sighs, resting his arms on Jedao's shoulders again, leaning into it a little as he sags. "Yeah, I copy."
And immediately goes to drag a hand through his neatly tied hair, fizzing it almost immediately. "I dunno, he just... he cares so goddamn hard. I don't know if he knows how many people don't do that. Even the nice ones. And- not everyone's gonna agree with him!" He rears a little with the sentiment, spurred by the need to gesticulate. "I worked with four people and the amount of times I got everyone on board with one idea? I can't even count on one hand! What's he gonna do with fifty?!"
And immediately goes to drag a hand through his neatly tied hair, fizzing it almost immediately. "I dunno, he just... he cares so goddamn hard. I don't know if he knows how many people don't do that. Even the nice ones. And- not everyone's gonna agree with him!" He rears a little with the sentiment, spurred by the need to gesticulate. "I worked with four people and the amount of times I got everyone on board with one idea? I can't even count on one hand! What's he gonna do with fifty?!"
It's so beautiful, the feeling of Jedao's affection. Yel... Edwin slowly settles, the sense of him like a cat circling closer and closer to the warmth of a fire.
[I've... never... No one has ever felt this for me. I... don't want to spoil it.]
[I've... never... No one has ever felt this for me. I... don't want to spoil it.]
You can't spoil it, Jedao tells him. And you also can't keep it exactly the same. It's going to change and grow because we're going to change and grow, because that's what being alive is. And the love is going to grow with us, so that it always fits.
"You sound so good when you beg."
He drags the dagger down his back, slowly, with enough control that it only parts the top few layers of skin - unless it's crossing an existing harsh stroke left by the cane, and that's where the blood oozes up again.
When the edge of the dagger hits a particularly nasty weal, it's like a spark hitting gasoline. He's nothing but sensation, nothing but fuel, and he ignites in an instant. He comes in his pants, loudly, suddenly, utterly; he's been overwhelmed in the best way and suddenly all the built-up pleasure is rushing through him, inevitable and ecstatic.
He tries to hold himself still for Astarion, even through the utter white-out of his mind, by instinct and by sheer luck; it happens so abruptly he barely has time to move, except for a tiny shudder that brings up the blood just a little bit more.
He tries to hold himself still for Astarion, even through the utter white-out of his mind, by instinct and by sheer luck; it happens so abruptly he barely has time to move, except for a tiny shudder that brings up the blood just a little bit more.
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