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"Vulnerable?" He knows--academically speaking--that dreams are vulnerable in his universe too. It's a way the King in Yellow can slip in, start to corrupt and drive mad to create new supplicants and slaves. Edwin shivers, thinking about it that way for the first time. "A... weak point?"
"Yeah. There were - there are people who can go into your dreams and hunt you there, learn your secrets. Probably weapons that work through dreams too, since there are defenses. It's not something I've studied a lot, though."
Mikodez was never going to let the Rahal scry him, fortunately.
Mikodez was never going to let the Rahal scry him, fortunately.
Ah. An interesting exploit, and one he's going to try and find a way around as soon as he possibly can. Maybe something as simple as wedge of some kind while inside, though that leaves things vulnerable when a person isn't home--
Right, focus.
It is... profoundly disorienting to hear that Jedao thinks he deserves anything. He's more than a little taken aback. He's also startled to realize somewhere during the description of how Jedao spent his days under house arrest, Neal started getting tense, like he was bracing himself for the scolding or condescension he was sure he'd have to ride his way through if he wanted to finish this conversation without a fight.
He clears his throat softly and looks away. "My life has been... the next thing and the next thing and the next thing for a long time. I don't know if it's ever been anything else, honestly. I don't know why it's so... different here."
Right, focus.
It is... profoundly disorienting to hear that Jedao thinks he deserves anything. He's more than a little taken aback. He's also startled to realize somewhere during the description of how Jedao spent his days under house arrest, Neal started getting tense, like he was bracing himself for the scolding or condescension he was sure he'd have to ride his way through if he wanted to finish this conversation without a fight.
He clears his throat softly and looks away. "My life has been... the next thing and the next thing and the next thing for a long time. I don't know if it's ever been anything else, honestly. I don't know why it's so... different here."
"There's safety nets here. There's your warden who's hopefully got your back, and the death toll, and so on. It's not always gentle, but - the stakes go down a little, in some ways. But there's also....there's so much time in between the crises, and only so much work to fill it up with. If I hadn't learned how to sit with my own thoughts before I got here, I'd have cracked like an egg, I think. And graduating means you have to take some walls down, right? You stopped running flat out long enough to say hey, that was all fucked up, I didn't deserve that - and that makes it harder to shove everything back down and do it to yourself."
Jedao swallows, then shrugs.
"Maybe it's none of that, I'm just speculating. But even if you could force yourself to keep marching, like you had to before - you deserve rest anyway."
Jedao swallows, then shrugs.
"Maybe it's none of that, I'm just speculating. But even if you could force yourself to keep marching, like you had to before - you deserve rest anyway."
"...What if I-- well, I can't, but John could probably give you dreams. Safe ones, that people can't touch." There's distinct hesitation after the I can't. He wants to be able to. He wants to be the one who gives Jedao something special that he couldn't have before.
"I like the awake that you give me," Jedao promises, warmly.
"Even--" He stops, not wanting to spoil the conversation, afraid that he will, but John told him to say true things, not correct ones. "Even if I... do... things I know are wrong?"
Edited 2024-03-25 03:11 (UTC)
Jedao is quiet for a few seconds. It's important to him to always tell Edwin the truth, too - which is not something he worries about for most people. But Edwin really listens.
"It makes me sad, that you did that to Collins. But that doesn't take away from how happy it makes me, that you're you, and that you're with me. Both of those things are real at the same time. One doesn't change the other."
"It makes me sad, that you did that to Collins. But that doesn't take away from how happy it makes me, that you're you, and that you're with me. Both of those things are real at the same time. One doesn't change the other."
Edited 2024-03-25 03:36 (UTC)
Well. That's about as shocking as John pointing out that not being truthful, trying to please, means not letting people know him, or noting that humans are all made the same way but are wildly different from each other still. As shocking as John coming to find him in the woods all the way back at Halloween. As stunning as Roman saying Edwin has a conscience, or Malcolm apologizing and explaining the answers to Edwin's questions about philosophy when he realized the questions themselves were genuine. As Arthur saying he was sorry the first time. Hunter not hurting him after he killed Collins. It's that same firecracker-loud, flare-bright sensation in his mind, the shock of something important stitching itself into him.
"R... Really?"
"R... Really?"
"Yes, really. You're always my baby, and I love you. No matter what." Jedao gives him a little extra squeeze.
"Even though I really don't like torture. I don't want you to ever do something like that again."
He puts a fingertip on Edwin's nose.
"I'm not asking you to promise me. I'm just...telling you, that's a true thing. But I'm proud of you for thinking of him, and trying to make amends."
"Even though I really don't like torture. I don't want you to ever do something like that again."
He puts a fingertip on Edwin's nose.
"I'm not asking you to promise me. I'm just...telling you, that's a true thing. But I'm proud of you for thinking of him, and trying to make amends."
He stays very still with that fingertip perched on his gel-cool skin, the smell a strange sideways echo of the scent he thinks of as John's--the cold between stars, the light of foreign moons, scents that humans would say aren't scents because they don't know how to breathe them in properly.
His eyes are doing that annoying tearing-up-thing again. John probably doesn't cry half this much. "I don't want to do it again."
His eyes are doing that annoying tearing-up-thing again. John probably doesn't cry half this much. "I don't want to do it again."
"Okay," Jedao says gently, petting Edwin's ears. "I believe you. And I want to help you, whatever you're trying to do instead."
He talks to Hunter first. Hunter helps him practice walking, walking the way a real person walks, not that Hunter put it to him like that--Hunter very much did not. It's the way Edwin keeps putting it to himself, without thinking about it.
But he wants to be able to walk right when he sees Jedao. He has to correct his balance a couple of times against a wall or a railing on the way to Jedao's cabin. There are a couple of moments where he considers abandoning the blobby and just going in the crown, but he wants to be able to hug his father. He wants to have a body. Like a real person.
So there is an extra from Cats Don't Dance coming into Jedao's cabin and craning around to listen for him as soon as the door is closed.
But he wants to be able to walk right when he sees Jedao. He has to correct his balance a couple of times against a wall or a railing on the way to Jedao's cabin. There are a couple of moments where he considers abandoning the blobby and just going in the crown, but he wants to be able to hug his father. He wants to have a body. Like a real person.
So there is an extra from Cats Don't Dance coming into Jedao's cabin and craning around to listen for him as soon as the door is closed.
"I'm in the study!" Jedao calls; he's been at his desk, feverishly recording as many of the memories as he can. It'll keep them sharper, later. But he's only repeating himself now, so he powers down his slate, standing up from the desk to stretch.
One little knot (will {person} disappear as soon as I'm not around) unwinds for the time being, as he briefly forgets himself and runs on all fours to the door of the study, pausing there.
"D..." The one syllable word starts deep enough to sound wrong, and he catches himself off guard with his own surprise. "Dad?"
"D..." The one syllable word starts deep enough to sound wrong, and he catches himself off guard with his own surprise. "Dad?"
His father in the breach had been fierce and certain, careful and gentle. But part of him expressed his own happiness less easily, always looking over his shoulder, always a little guilty for what he had been part of in a life he doesn't remember. He had loved Edwin so deeply, but he'd never felt entirely sure he had any right to keep what he'd stolen.
This Jedao has no such hesitation; and for him, it's been a few months, not two years. He doesn't have hours of existing in public, hearing Dad in the grocery store, at school, at bedtime, to make the impossible treasure also something normal. He breaks out into an irrepressible beaming smile.
"Hello, Sunshine."
This Jedao has no such hesitation; and for him, it's been a few months, not two years. He doesn't have hours of existing in public, hearing Dad in the grocery store, at school, at bedtime, to make the impossible treasure also something normal. He breaks out into an irrepressible beaming smile.
"Hello, Sunshine."
The smile feels like letting go of breath from lungs that have been holding stale air for minutes on minutes. It feels like coming home. He forgets himself entirely and runs on all fours to Jedao's ankles before he takes a flying leap toward the man's arms.
Jedao squeezes him tight.
"I guess we gotta find some of this chalk stuff, huhn?"
"I guess we gotta find some of this chalk stuff, huhn?"
"Dad," he says quietly. "Dad."
It still sounds strange now in the voice he's always had. Not as natural as a kid calling out, not as easy and familiar, but that smile heals so much all at once without Edwin even having to ask for reassurance.
He snugs his face against Jedao's neck as he clings. "Chalk?"
It still sounds strange now in the voice he's always had. Not as natural as a kid calling out, not as easy and familiar, but that smile heals so much all at once without Edwin even having to ask for reassurance.
He snugs his face against Jedao's neck as he clings. "Chalk?"
"I remember you drawing for hours. Covering the whole driveway. I remember you'd've gone into the street, if I let you." Even if it didn't happen: Jedao remembers.
"I don't know what it was exactly. But we could get more, if you think you'd still like it."
Jedao doesn't assume they're exactly the same. But he's happy to try anything that might bring Edwin that kind of joy.
"I don't know what it was exactly. But we could get more, if you think you'd still like it."
Jedao doesn't assume they're exactly the same. But he's happy to try anything that might bring Edwin that kind of joy.
That's right. That's right, he remembers that. He remembers how much he loves it, how magical it was to make sprawling landscapes of color and shape and know that the desert rain would come and carry the rainbows of his work off to some other place if he didn't free it all with the hose or buckets of water first.
"Yes," he says, and snuggles against Jedao. There are perks to being small, he realizes. Being held like this is one of them. "Could we do it in the enclosure, or maybe the greenhouse? I liked watching everything wash away."
This too shall pass.
"Yes," he says, and snuggles against Jedao. There are perks to being small, he realizes. Being held like this is one of them. "Could we do it in the enclosure, or maybe the greenhouse? I liked watching everything wash away."
This too shall pass.
"Drawing, and then a quick thunderstorm?" Jedao offers.
He'd enjoyed it when Edwin spooked the neighbors. But he liked it more when no one else got to see it at all before it washed away, a passing moment of secret loveliness, just for the two of them.
He'd enjoyed it when Edwin spooked the neighbors. But he liked it more when no one else got to see it at all before it washed away, a passing moment of secret loveliness, just for the two of them.
He rubs his face against Jedao's finger, then the rest of his hand.
"Thank you. I... I won't let him see it's me. Whatever it is. Because then he won't accept it, probably."
"Thank you. I... I won't let him see it's me. Whatever it is. Because then he won't accept it, probably."
"Yes!" Rain. Rain on his face, he loved that too. Sun and blue skies were nice but the weather people called bad was almost always his favorite. There was nothing about it that reminded him of the labs, that was one of the reasons--no too-bright lights--but Edwin now, Edwin of this moment wants to feel rain on his face again.
He hopes it feels the same. That makes a sick little twist of nerves coil through him. What if it doesn't? What if it doesn't feel as nice? Will he forget what it felt like on real skin? He doesn't want to.
"Is it... It's okay that I'm not human any more, right?"
He knows the answer, if he's honest, but he wants to hear it anyway.
He hopes it feels the same. That makes a sick little twist of nerves coil through him. What if it doesn't? What if it doesn't feel as nice? Will he forget what it felt like on real skin? He doesn't want to.
"Is it... It's okay that I'm not human any more, right?"
He knows the answer, if he's honest, but he wants to hear it anyway.
"Is it okay that I'm not human anymore either?" Jedao asks gently. He looks it, and he knows that makes a difference - but he isn't.
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