"And if you cared, they'd be your business too," Jedao insists staunchly. "You get to care about what people you love are doing. Just because you don't get to be in charge of it doesn't mean you aren't allowed your own feelings," Jedao says earnestly, with zero self-awareness whatsoever.
"Darling, you believe that even less than I do," Hakkai points out, very gently. It hasn't been that long since they had the conversation about John's marriage.
But in any case-- the gentle levity falls away, and he sighs, pulling back from the hug to meet Jedao's gaze.
"...I don't think I'm not allowed to have feelings about it. Just that-- it's not any different, and he hasn't done anything wrong, no matter what my feelings are."
He's still choosing to avoid the topic of what, in fact, those feelings are. It's embarrassing. Anyway, Jedao probably knows.
"If that moron is running around on us with the barge's fourth-hottest vampire, it is absolutely different," Jedao says, in an exaggerated grumpy tone which is, tragically, only about half tongue-in-cheek.
"Astarion, Florian, and Eric, of course." No matter that Jedao is sleeping with two out of three and would have taken Eric for a spin as well if that wouldn't have been weird for Godric. Jedao has taste.
"And I'm only rating Sam fifth because I'm allowing for him not being Gojyo's type, but he's also clearly a better choice."
"He's probably more Goku's type," Hakkai agrees absently. Or he would be Goku's type if he had about twice as much muscle mass. "And Gojyo doesn't really make... good choices about that sort of thing--"
Honestly, the only thing that's throwing him is that they're intimate. Gojyo being close to a manipulative asshole isn't at all surprising; Hakkai knows his own flaws, and Armand strikes Hakkai as much cleverer than Banri. But. Still.
"He didn't exactly tell me," Hakkai adds. "I ran into the two of them up on deck and he jumped back like Armand had burned him as soon as he saw me."
"I do," Hakkai mutters, "wish he'd actually told me. But we usually don't talk about his--"
A little vague flutter of one hand encompasses Gojyo's love life. Dalliances sounds far too stuffy, and all the other options leaping to mind are either crude or make a lot of assumptions about the feelings involved.
"It does make me feel like I've been made a fool," Hakkai mutters, turning towards the teapot to check its steeping and pour. "But I-- we-- don't have any claim on him. He's been clear enough about that."
He's aware he shouldn't be grumbling like this in front of Jedao when Jedao and Gojyo are still so barely reconciled to each other's company, but he certainly couldn't say this in front of anyone else. He's gotten too used to being able to talk about his feelings, that's the problem. He barely has the will to swallow anything back anymore.
"You have a claim on him being fucking considerate of you," Jedao mutters. Too often, in Jedao's opinion, he isn't.
Jedao kisses his temple, then his forehead, standing on his tiptoes to do it, still holding him close, then gives him a tight, tight squeeze. "I'm sorry, love."
Hakkai abandons the tea to let his hands slip up to the small of Jedao's back and holds him tight in return.
"He cares, but he doesn't consider things," he mutters, and closes his eyes as he lets the tension knotted under his breastbone out on a long, long sigh.
"It's fine," he says at last. "But if I hear so much as a hint that he's going steady with Armand I'm going to break his nose. Promise you'll let me before anyone breaks up the fight?"
For a long, long moment, Hakkai simply sinks into it, the seconds sliding by golden-sweet and viscous as honey. At last, a regrettable need for air forces him to break the kiss and rest his forehead against Jedao's.
"...You know," he murmurs. "I'm yours first and always, no matter what happens with him. I don't ever want you to be uncomfortable over my being jealous of the Barge's fourth hottest vampire."
"I'm not uncomfortable," Jedao promises, shoulders shifting as he huffs. "I'm just annoyed he's so - inconsistent, and it hurts you. I'd have tried seducing him ages ago if you hadn't wanted to be first, and now it's some guy. Rude."
Hakkai can reasonably say that he has no claim on Gojyo until he turns blue, but Jedao doesn't believe it. Gojyo does love him; it's just that he's not capable of admitting it, and he's hurting Hakkai again by it.
"Yes, well," Hakkai admits, "you're the only one who I told I wanted that. I certainly didn't tell him." Because he'd assumed Gojyo would've panicked and made it weird, because he'd valued their friendship over the potential of romance, because he'd been too much of a coward to risk being rejected for something that mattered again: he'd had a lot of reasons.
"I tried to flirt a little, but I'm not sure he noticed." He's very bad at flirting, and he's also not sure Gojyo wanted to notice. So.
... So.
"Anyway," he says at last, with another sigh that feels as though it comes all the way up from his toenails, "I want him as my friend more than I'm jealous he doesn't want me for anything else, and I'm only going to be a little unreasonable about it. I promise I won't pine. You won't mind if I'm clingy for a little while?"
To remind himself he is loved, by at least some of the people who he loves, even if it isn't all of them.
"Cling away. I'm going to feel smugly superior that I was smart enough to never let you go," Jedao promises, with another kiss.
"You want me to hold you down tonight?" he offers - clinging right back, grounding, overwhelming him, if Jedao can manage it, reassurance and distraction together.
"I can work on your shoulders while you finish your tea, or bed right now?" Jedao asks, nuzzling Hakkai's hair, voice warm and rich with his own patient, possessive hunger.
"Let me finish my tea first," Hakkai murmurs, reaching up to capture one of Jedao's hands and tugging it to his lips. He drops a kiss against Jedao's knuckles, then another on his fingertips. "I don't want to bring anything else to bed with you."
Certainly not his own frustrated roil of feelings about Gojyo's new boyfriend. A cup of tea, and he'll set those aside for later.
"I wouldn't mind, if you did," Jedao admits, shifting around to knead gently at his neck and shoulders. "Your feelings are a part of you, and I love all of you. I love that you're loyal, and possessive. I still love you when you're frustrated and bitter. If you can let it simmer away with the tea, I'll love being gentle and joyful with you. And if you can't, I'll love doing my absolute best to fuck it right out of you."
He drops a soft kiss on the back of Hakkai's neck.
"There is no way for you to come to me, wanting me, wrong."
Hakkai picks up his tea as Jedao turns him gently around, cradling it in his palms as Jedao's hands work over his shoulders. He doesn't drink; he's listening.
I love all of you, Jedao says, and Hakkai -- scarred, bitter, jealous, angry soul that he knows himself to be -- Hakkai believes him.
He closes his eyes as Jedao kisses the nape of his neck.
A moment later, he throws back the entire cup in one long draught, not caring that he's burned his mouth quite badly, and turns to catch Jedao up in a passionate kiss that backs him against the nearest wall.
The only way Hakkai's feelings for Gojyo could be wrong, to Jedao, to feel with Jedao, would be if he wanted Gojyo with him instead of Jedao. And although it's taken him a little while to be absolutely certain that's not the case, it doesn't even cross his mind now.
He kisses back hard and fierce, and even though he's the one caged against the wall, presses on Hakkai's back with a mothpush to keep holding them close, a vertiginous moment where it feels like Hakkai has him pinned down on the ground instead of upright.
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But in any case-- the gentle levity falls away, and he sighs, pulling back from the hug to meet Jedao's gaze.
"...I don't think I'm not allowed to have feelings about it. Just that-- it's not any different, and he hasn't done anything wrong, no matter what my feelings are."
He's still choosing to avoid the topic of what, in fact, those feelings are. It's embarrassing. Anyway, Jedao probably knows.
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"And I'm only rating Sam fifth because I'm allowing for him not being Gojyo's type, but he's also clearly a better choice."
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Honestly, the only thing that's throwing him is that they're intimate. Gojyo being close to a manipulative asshole isn't at all surprising; Hakkai knows his own flaws, and Armand strikes Hakkai as much cleverer than Banri. But. Still.
"He didn't exactly tell me," Hakkai adds. "I ran into the two of them up on deck and he jumped back like Armand had burned him as soon as he saw me."
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A little vague flutter of one hand encompasses Gojyo's love life. Dalliances sounds far too stuffy, and all the other options leaping to mind are either crude or make a lot of assumptions about the feelings involved.
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He's aware he shouldn't be grumbling like this in front of Jedao when Jedao and Gojyo are still so barely reconciled to each other's company, but he certainly couldn't say this in front of anyone else. He's gotten too used to being able to talk about his feelings, that's the problem. He barely has the will to swallow anything back anymore.
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Jedao kisses his temple, then his forehead, standing on his tiptoes to do it, still holding him close, then gives him a tight, tight squeeze. "I'm sorry, love."
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"He cares, but he doesn't consider things," he mutters, and closes his eyes as he lets the tension knotted under his breastbone out on a long, long sigh.
"It's fine," he says at last. "But if I hear so much as a hint that he's going steady with Armand I'm going to break his nose. Promise you'll let me before anyone breaks up the fight?"
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"...You know," he murmurs. "I'm yours first and always, no matter what happens with him. I don't ever want you to be uncomfortable over my being jealous of the Barge's fourth hottest vampire."
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Hakkai can reasonably say that he has no claim on Gojyo until he turns blue, but Jedao doesn't believe it. Gojyo does love him; it's just that he's not capable of admitting it, and he's hurting Hakkai again by it.
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"I tried to flirt a little, but I'm not sure he noticed." He's very bad at flirting, and he's also not sure Gojyo wanted to notice. So.
... So.
"Anyway," he says at last, with another sigh that feels as though it comes all the way up from his toenails, "I want him as my friend more than I'm jealous he doesn't want me for anything else, and I'm only going to be a little unreasonable about it. I promise I won't pine. You won't mind if I'm clingy for a little while?"
To remind himself he is loved, by at least some of the people who he loves, even if it isn't all of them.
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"You want me to hold you down tonight?" he offers - clinging right back, grounding, overwhelming him, if Jedao can manage it, reassurance and distraction together.
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"Yes," he whispers, and curls closer, ashamed of his weakness and grateful for Jedao's perception all at the same time. "I would like that."
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Certainly not his own frustrated roil of feelings about Gojyo's new boyfriend. A cup of tea, and he'll set those aside for later.
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He drops a soft kiss on the back of Hakkai's neck.
"There is no way for you to come to me, wanting me, wrong."
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I love all of you, Jedao says, and Hakkai -- scarred, bitter, jealous, angry soul that he knows himself to be -- Hakkai believes him.
He closes his eyes as Jedao kisses the nape of his neck.
A moment later, he throws back the entire cup in one long draught, not caring that he's burned his mouth quite badly, and turns to catch Jedao up in a passionate kiss that backs him against the nearest wall.
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He kisses back hard and fierce, and even though he's the one caged against the wall, presses on Hakkai's back with a mothpush to keep holding them close, a vertiginous moment where it feels like Hakkai has him pinned down on the ground instead of upright.
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