Jedao leans over him, catches Gonou's chin and tilts it back up, gives him a slow, deep kiss.
"I don't want to not be me," Jedao tells him, just a little bit surprised to hear it in his own voice, to realize with a faint quaver of trepidation, that it's completely true. "I want to be me, here, now."
Gonou's stubborn for a second as Jedao catches his chin, but yields quickly, melting into the kiss despite his initial moment of resistance.
Softly, he confesses, "I want you as you are, here and now, too. But I still wish there could have been less pain on the way." For Jedao himself, for people he cared about... but if there's no helping the pain, then he can at least be glad that Jedao is who he is now, and -- and that it's who he wants to be.
"I don't know if there was any saving him, really," Jedao muses, eyes closed, resting his forehead briefly on Gonou's. "Nobody gets out of their first war unscathed." There's an urge to add, also, he was an idiot, but they both have enough self-hatred to deal with without Jedao wallowing.
"Maybe not," Gonou murmurs. "But you were so young."
He -- isn't hating himself about this, particularly, to his surprise. He's worrying about Jedao and Eiffel, he's upset about remembering his claws carving into them while he didn't care, but he also feels...
... as if that really wasn't him, no matter how well he remembers his actions. He's not even convinced that future-self knew him. He'd just been-- wrong. That's all. It's a strangely freeing thought.
"Old and stubborn and hot," Jedao complains, before stealing another kiss. "And I know trying to save him, not knowing what would happen, wasn't actually easy. You're better than you give yourself credit for at any age."
"But difficult to proposition," Gonou says, teasing a little as he rests his forehead against Jedao's. He remembers all that miserable, lonely certainty, and can't help but wonder if that could have been him, if he'd lived.
Lucky he hadn't.
"It wasn't easy to try to save him," he adds, giving in to Jedao's choice of third person. "But it was easy being kind. Was that the only age you changed to?"
He hasn't exactly checked the network yet, having been... distracted.
Gonou wraps his hands around the teacup; the look he gives Jedao over the rim is dark-eyed with concern, but instead of pushing, he scoots over on the bed, obviously making room next to himself.
"Better than I expected to be," he says quietly, leaning on Jedao's shoulder and taking a tiny sip of the tea. It's still too hot, but the warmth helps to ease the ache of his throat, makes his voice a touch less scratchy.
"It helps that I didn't kill anyone. But, also..." He watches the surface of his tea for a few seconds, trying to uncover the right phrasing, before he takes a sip. "It wasn't... do you know how it feels sometimes in breaches, as if that was a real you, but a little to the side?"
"This feels like the opposite," Gonou murmurs, over another sip of tea. "Not a step to the side at all, even if he remembers things I don't... I think I learned a few things about how to use my powers from all of that.
"But. I don't feel as though he was me. I feel-- like he was wrong about me."
He breathes out, far too quietly to be a laugh, and tilts his head to glance up at Jedao. "Is that foolish?"
"Why would it be foolish?" he asks. "I mean - I think he was thinking of you as the person you were when you first died, because that was the only way he knew to. But you've changed a lot since then."
"Perhaps in ways he hasn't," Gonou murmurs, and takes another sip of the tea. "And he didn't know any of you."
Which also makes a difference. Hurting Jedao and Eiffel while knowing them -- would have been very difficult for him to deal with indeed. Hurting them while thinking of them as over-familiar strangers still just feels as though that him had been wrong.
He sighs, relaxing a little against Jedao's shoulder, and tries another sip of the tea.
"I think he was wrong about a lot of things too," Jedao confides. Gonou knows, of course - he'll remember Jedao's arguing - but he feels like it ought to be said.
"It's a muscle, isn't it? They get stronger with exercise." Which is just another way of saying the same thing, really.
"It took you awhile to come around to it. That of course it wouldn't be the same love, but it could still be love. I don't think I could have convinced him in a few days even if he'd let me try, but I wanted to."
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"I'm -- thinking I'm glad that the past couldn't change."
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"I don't want to not be me," Jedao tells him, just a little bit surprised to hear it in his own voice, to realize with a faint quaver of trepidation, that it's completely true. "I want to be me, here, now."
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Softly, he confesses, "I want you as you are, here and now, too. But I still wish there could have been less pain on the way." For Jedao himself, for people he cared about... but if there's no helping the pain, then he can at least be glad that Jedao is who he is now, and -- and that it's who he wants to be.
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He -- isn't hating himself about this, particularly, to his surprise. He's worrying about Jedao and Eiffel, he's upset about remembering his claws carving into them while he didn't care, but he also feels...
... as if that really wasn't him, no matter how well he remembers his actions. He's not even convinced that future-self knew him. He'd just been-- wrong. That's all. It's a strangely freeing thought.
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"So young. Poor Kujen. He went to so much trouble to make himself a general and all he got for it was a whole baby."
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He kisses Jedao again-- his Jedao, here and now, surviving through all his turmoil, and pulls back to murmur, "I think the water's boiling."
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"Anyway. Thank you for being kind to me when I was young and clueless. I know you would, but just - thank you."
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"Thank you for being kind to me when I was old and stubborn."
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Lucky he hadn't.
"It wasn't easy to try to save him," he adds, giving in to Jedao's choice of third person. "But it was easy being kind. Was that the only age you changed to?"
He hasn't exactly checked the network yet, having been... distracted.
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He checks on the tea, hands Gonou a cup.
"No. But I don't really want to think about the other one."
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"How are you, though? I mean - really."
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"It helps that I didn't kill anyone. But, also..." He watches the surface of his tea for a few seconds, trying to uncover the right phrasing, before he takes a sip. "It wasn't... do you know how it feels sometimes in breaches, as if that was a real you, but a little to the side?"
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"But. I don't feel as though he was me. I feel-- like he was wrong about me."
He breathes out, far too quietly to be a laugh, and tilts his head to glance up at Jedao. "Is that foolish?"
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Which also makes a difference. Hurting Jedao and Eiffel while knowing them -- would have been very difficult for him to deal with indeed. Hurting them while thinking of them as over-familiar strangers still just feels as though that him had been wrong.
He sighs, relaxing a little against Jedao's shoulder, and tries another sip of the tea.
"Anyway-- I'm not... too upset."
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"Thank you," he murmurs, and leans over to kiss Jedao's cheek.
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"He thought I didn't have a heart big enough to love anyone else. I think hearts grow when you let people into them."
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"It took you awhile to come around to it. That of course it wouldn't be the same love, but it could still be love. I don't think I could have convinced him in a few days even if he'd let me try, but I wanted to."
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