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[deuceoftears]

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[deuceoftears]

Jedao lets out one quick rush of breath, body sagging only a tiny bit in relief.

"That's okay, then. I mean. It's okay with me." There's something a little brain-meltingly much about it; there's no air left, no shadows to hide in, no desperate clawing possibility scratching at his brain stem that Jedao just didn't explain it right, that he's been tricking Gonou in spite of himself.

[reformedsinner]

"I'm sorry that happened to you," Gonou says softly. "To both of you."

[deuceoftears]

He doesn't know how to respond; doubling down on his own guilt feels melodramatic and self-sabotaging. But even if he accepts that it's not his fault, not his greatest crime - then instead of monstrous he just feels sort of pathetic, that he'd been so lonely and needy that he was so easily swayed.

"We could probably take the memory away, if it bothers you to have. But we'd have to tell someone else, enough for them to help."

Nita, probably; he already has an idea of how her wizardry might mesh with the Glass Cannon schematics he's worked out so far. But he doesn't want to.

[reformedsinner]

"If you have it back already," Gonou says softly, "then I don't think I need to not have it that badly. Not unless you want me not to."

He falls silent for a moment, taking a breath, pulling himself back to practicalities.

"So it's your choice. It's your memory." And if they have to tell someone, he knows exactly how sensitive that memory is for Jedao.

[deuceoftears]

"You keep it, then," Jedao says in a soft rush. "I don't want to tell anyone else." He leans a little more into Gonou's arms, tension draining out of him. "It's okay if it's you. I want you to know me. And I couldn't ever tell it right even when I was trying to."

[reformedsinner]

"All right." His arms tighten. After a moment, with a hint of wryness, he adds, "I can't even describe it right, and it's not my memory to begin with. So I understand why that would be hard."

He gives the silence space for another breath, then adds, "Would you like tea? I think I want tea...."

(He isn't, though, actually letting go.)

[deuceoftears]

Jedao cups his cheek and kisses him leisurely, letting himself really feel that Gonou is back.

"I think you want to make me tea," Jedao interprets.

[reformedsinner]

Gonou returns the kiss, letting his eye slip closed: they're here now. They're together. The memories, difficult as they might be, are all in the past.

He makes a rueful little noise at Jedao's reinterpretation.

"I won't insist you have some," he says. "But I want to make tea. I think I've spent long enough in bed, and without even doing anything fun there--"

He brushes his knuckles along Jedao's jawline, then cups a hand over his cheek in turn, smiling.

"I need to get up and do something. But I don't want to be too far away from you while I do it. So, tea."

[deuceoftears]

"I like tea fine if it's not too strong. I don't just drink it to put other people at ease."

The warth is nice, and so is the smell, as long as it isn't enough to tip into actual flavor, which even puts it a half-step ahead of just drinking a cup of hot water like a weirdo, which is what he'd be tempted to do otherwise.

[reformedsinner]

"All right, then." Gonou steals another kiss, quick and light, before he disentangles himself in order to get out of bed. "I think you had some white teas in that cabinet..."

They're very delicate in flavor, which suits. He glances down at his pajamas, making a slight face: he feels far less disgusting than he should after a month in bed, but he still also wants a shower and freshly laundered clothes.

[deuceoftears]

"Mmmhm. Everything on the bottom two shelves I actually like. Top shelf is for guests."

Where he keeps Niath's aggressive fermented black teas, Mikodez's overloaded fruit and spice tisanes, and a suite of strong green teas for the 'companions' Mikodez used to sometimes send him. Between them, they cover most of the taste range for anyone who might visit now, so he's kept them all.

"Go start the kettle and I'll meet you in the shower?" Jedao offers, guessing what's behind that look.

[reformedsinner]

"I hope I don't smell too bad," Gonou says, laughing as he pauses in the bedroom doorway. "But yes, that sounds -- perfect."

[deuceoftears]

"You had your fussy-cat face for a second, that's all."

[reformedsinner]

"Ah -- maybe that's my signifier...."

Fussy cat. It's all too accurate, he thinks.

He's still chuckling as he heads to the kitchen, taking down one of the silver needle blends from the lowest shelf and setting it on the counter next to the kettle, filling the kettle, and heading for the bathroom as he runs an absent hand over his jaw. He's not nearly as stubbly as he'd expect after a month without shaving, either. Maybe it's Barge magic, or maybe his half-joking plan to attempt facial hair will be a terrible failure.

[deuceoftears]

Jedao makes the bed, then strips down and gets the shower ready, letting the pour of heat blank out his mind for a few seconds as his shoulders finally accept his relief that Gonou's awake.

[reformedsinner]

Gonou joins him just a few minutes later, pulling off his shirt and the plain drawstring trousers and folding them each neatly by the door before he pads to the shower, stepping in beside Jedao and leaning over to drop a kiss against the nape of his neck.

[deuceoftears]

Jedao shudders, easily affected as always. He tilts his head invitingly, turn into Gonou and skimming a hand up his side.

"Missed you."

[reformedsinner]

"Happy to be back," Gonou murmurs, letting his hands settle on Jedao's hips. A prickle of goosebumps track the light touch of Jedao's fingers over his ribs, and he leans in to savor a slow kiss, letting his worries slough away under the warm drumming water and the beloved familiar touch.

[deuceoftears]

"It's your welcome party. Any requests?" he asks after another kiss breaks, hands roaming over Gonou's back, squeezing his butt since it's right there.

[reformedsinner]

"Mm," Gonou says, drawing out the thoughtful sound as his light tenor drops a little lower, and sweeps an appreciative glance down and back up. "Well."

In a tone of innocent sincerity, despite his own visible arousal, he suggests, "You could let me wash your hair?"

[deuceoftears]

Jedao leans up for another soft kiss. "If you like," he agrees, before turning to give Gonou access to his back and scalp, head tilted just slightly back.

[reformedsinner]

"After which," Gonou murmurs against his ear as he picks up a shampoo bottle and decants a dollop into his hand, "I'd also like you to come on my face."

He reaches up to lather Jedao's hair, careful and thorough: this request hadn't just been the setup line. There's a knot of guilt and regret tangled somewhere inside the cage of his ribs, for abandoning him to navigate having his memories stolen and shared, for stealing one of his memories all unknowing, for not being there. As much as it hadn't been his choice, still--

-- still, it scrapes an old raw nerve, the thought of not having known he was needed until it was too late.

He's reminding himself that it's not a disaster this time, as he catches the hair between his fingers and rubs soothing circles into Jedao's scalp: that they're both safe, awake and alive, and Gonou can care for him now-- Gonou is still his.

going from artistic PG-13 cropped nudity to CW sex happen around here

[deuceoftears]

Jedao closes his eyes and sighs into it, feeling the white noise of the water and the steady weight and warmth of Gonou behind him. This bathroom was one of the very few places he felt - not safe, exactly. But safe to take time for himself, to get in touch with himself, practicing things like tiny pushes and learning whether he needed to breathe. It's always good, letting Gonou take care of him, but there's something especially tender about it here.

"I think I could manage that," Jedao murmurs wryly, stroking himself idly in an anticipation.

[reformedsinner]

Gonou chuckles softly, letting his hands drag down the back of Jedao's neck. "I thought so. Close your eyes?"

He applies a little light pressure, tipping Jedao's head forward towards the stream of water.

[deuceoftears]

"Already have."

It's about as far from manhandling as it's possible to be, but letting Gonou's hands move him so gently sends the same hot thrill down his spine, and he groans softly.