[It really does not offer any guarantees about memories. Hakkai blows out a breath, and settles in against Jedao again, tension bleeding out of him at the return of his body, at the way his perception and energy ebb from their overwhelming unlimited state to their softer-edged familiar levels. Selfishly, he doesn't want to have to see the conversation all over again, but it would be good to review his own actions, he thinks, and drops his head against Jedao's shoulder.]
Let's get the footage out of the way. As long as it doesn't mean we have to get up.
[If he has to sacrifice the cuddle, he will wait.]
[The footage pops up on the terminal across from them, at an angle to show both Arthur and Nathaniel's faces but not Hakkai's. It runs at double speed, cutting down the excruciating pauses and shortening the overall experience.]
[It's the kind of tone that Hakkai would expect to hear from someone who was just about ready to commit a murder. He reaches for Jedao's free hand, lacing their fingers together, and squeezes gently.
His own voice is not very much warmer.]
I don't think it's personal. I think he believes everyone acts only out of interest in what they can get and everyone he knows is an enemy in waiting.
... I talked to him about youkai, early on. I told him how I felt, but I didn't tell him what I was, because--
[Because he wasn't telling anyone, then. Because he could barely bear to admit it himself. Jedao hadn't known until the Galley; Gonou might not have told him for months more if the decision had not been snatched from his hands.]
It's impressive that he's so self-centered that he couldn't put together that timeline when I told him about the transformation, actually.
[Nathaniel had had the look of someone who was only interested in the information from a scientific perspective. Gonou supposes he'll have to look out for attempts to collect his blood.]
[Jedao doesn't need to commit murder. He's settled it with himself. Nathaniel will either turn into a different person, or he will rot here until the barge loses track of him, and he dies. Either way, the system works.]
Everyone he meets is an enemy in waiting. There's a certain point of power-hungry selfishness that demands it. Allies - not to mention superiors - are always rivals if one's ambitions are high enough. Underlings are always enemies if the exploitation is harsh enough. And those who are neither -
[Jedao shrugs. Enemies simple, or purely obstacles - who risk becoming enemies the moment they object to such treatment, if they are allowed to object. As Arthur discusses the slavery of demons in more detail, Jedao's hand flexes for a moment in Hakkai's, Jedao One's trigger finger twitching for a gun Jedao has never held.
Nathaniel's mental logic is easier for Jedao to follow than anyone from Earth. Their worlds are the same, for all that Nathaniel's is a primitive one-rock backwater. Jedao would have known long ago that caring about Nathaniel was pointless to the point of self-delusion, if hadn't in fact been very earnestly deluding himself that anything of the breach child was there.]
Well, yes. When you believe everyone would hurt you if they had the chance, you'll make enemies of them all in self-defense and never realize you're doing it to yourself.
[He runs his thumb along Jedao's twitching finger, recognizing the reflex, wondering at it. He's never seen Jedao hold a gun.]
I'd like to think that's its own punishment.
But if I'm being honest I would like to tell Arthur his inmate needs to be paddled so hard he can't sit down for a week.
It's more clear-eyed than that. He wants to win a very cruel game. He wants to succeed in his world. And in order to succeed in those terms, he knows he will hurt everyone around him and make enemies of them. He's decided that's not only acceptable, but a strategy he's proud of. After all, if he knows he'll make someone an enemy eventually, and they don't know, he can get the drop on them. An important factor for someone outclassed in raw power.
[As he did with Hakkai.]
But he's too stupid to adapt when the rewards of that game are not available. Poor lamb.
[Jedao sounds like he might be simmering mint sauce, if Hakkai didn't know better.]
[He definitely sounds like he'd like to be simmering mint sauce. Hakkai lets out a long slow breath and runs his thumb along the edge of Jedao's hand again.
Quietly:]
If I had to guess, I would guess that he's stupid enough to believe that there are two classes of people, the stupid and the ones who think exactly like he does but simply haven't made their moves yet.
I'm not absolving him. I'm... very upset he betrayed both of us this way.
[His voice is very light and mild when he says that, carefully wrapped in decorum so as not to show the sharp edges.]
But I think he's young enough to learn better if he ever lets himself care about someone else.
[Jedao, who had all his moral principles sorted out without having ever experienced a scrap of sincere human kindness by the tender age of four weeks, rather thinks Nat is old enough to have learned already if he was ever going to. But then, he could be wrong.]
I don't think you're absolving him. I just...I think it's more frustrating for you, because you wanted to confront him with what he'd lost by this. But -
[Jedao's voice is softer now. He can feel the edges and the silk simultaneously, and he's turning his focus back to Hakkai, with careful effort.]
But it was something he forfeited deliberately, because he never valued it. And that's - that's just fucking awful, isn't it. For someone to decide on purpose that your kindness - offered on purpose, knowing the risk, despite the difficulty - to decide it's worthless to him.
[The poison will clear from Hakkai's body a lot sooner than that sting, Jedao is sure.]
I'm so fucking sorry, Hakkai-shei.
[The first time he's put the affectionate honorific with the new name.]
[Hakkai-shei strikes him sharply, more sharply than he had anticipated, and Hakkai draws an unsteady breath as his hand tightens on Jedao's for a long moment. It feels as if a piece of himself had dropped into place and proven, shockingly, to fit.
He closes his eyes for a moment.]
Actually--
[There's a thread of wry humor in his voice, thin but there--]
I think I might just be insulted because I went to so much effort to offer kindness to him and I'm not sure he ever even noticed.
'How dare he think all that work was worthless--' [and then, letting the humor slip away] '--how dare he judge everything about me less important than scoring a symbolic little revenge for a slight that only ever existed in his own head.'
[Including Hakkai's actual life. He doesn't care what Arthur says about Nathaniel's views on the non-personhood of nonhuman life in particular: he's willing to believe Nathaniel when the boy says he'd have done the same thing to a human he thought was keeping a secret from him.]
People do things they find rewarding. He likes getting symbolic little revenges. It's like a glimpse of his dreams of being the boot.
[And it's also one of the only real joys Nathaniel has had to hold onto during his life. That's something Jedao could sympathize with, but he's simply not going to. Nathaniel has not forfeited the benefits of Jedao's principles or his protection, but he has certainly forfeited his affection and empathy. He doesn't want them, and Jedao will not be foolishly, pointlessly providing them any longer.]
I expect any excuse would do, if he could make it sound good to the masters that live in his head.
[Most of the pitch-black bitterness replaced by spare, dry, shockingly pure contempt is at least a different tone.]
Let's not. Anyone who finds out on their own deserves to be surprised.
[Like John, apparently. He smiles back, small but sincere, and tugs Jedao's hand up so that their clasped hands can rest between their chests. Quietly:]
I'm sorry he betrayed you like that, too.
[Because even though Hakkai had been the one drinking poison, Jedao was the one who remembered Nat as a brother, who had treated him that way for a year and a half.]
[You can't betray someone you were never loyal to, Jedao thinks. It's his own fault for imagining something that wasn't there. But he doesn't know how to say that out loud without being cruel, without implying that Hakkai wasn't betrayed either.]
[You can't be betrayed by someone you never trusted. But it's still betrayal, Hakkai thinks, even if someone had led you to believe they were loyal, and it had always been a lie.]
[Jedao doesn't feel like Nat ever misled him. He knew - Nathaniel was very upfront that caring about others was stupid. That what they had was a tactical exchange. Jedao went along with it and told himself Nathaniel did care, deep down, but couldn't admit it. But he never pushed. He told himself he was so understanding. He was delusional.]
I'm definitely not. But I will be.
[All he needs is time. And maybe a very stiff beating from Norton, to blot his thoughts out for a little while. Not now, though.]
You should let me pamper you a little. That would help.
[Hakkai chuckles softly, and lets himself settle against Jedao, lets himself be settled. He still feels the hurt of it lodged deep himself, a splinter of rejection where he'd been hoping he would be able to find a connection instead, where he'd held onto that caring he'd felt for a different world's Nathaniel.
But it's not enough of a hurt to make him stupid about this. Nathaniel made his choice.]
... Heat up one of those soups that John made for me, get a blanket, and curl up with me here on the couch.
You could put on one of your forest soundscapes?
[He brushes another kiss against Jedao's lips.]
Maybe a fancy bath later. But I still have to go talk to Sebastian today. He'll probably hold it against me that I took a full day after we were temporarily paired, as it is....
[Hakkai half-turns, pillowing his chin on crossed arms on the back of the sofa as he talks.]
I do. We worked together in the kitchen, and he's helped me in the greenhouse, too.
He's not human, but I'm not sure exactly what kind of nonhuman. He works as a servant and tutor for a young nobleman back home, and has for a few years now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Let's get the footage out of the way. As long as it doesn't mean we have to get up.
[If he has to sacrifice the cuddle, he will wait.]
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I don't think he can admit to himself what friendship is.
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[Jedao's voice is casually cold in way Hakkai has rarely heard.]
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His own voice is not very much warmer.]
I don't think it's personal. I think he believes everyone acts only out of interest in what they can get and everyone he knows is an enemy in waiting.
... I talked to him about youkai, early on. I told him how I felt, but I didn't tell him what I was, because--
[Because he wasn't telling anyone, then. Because he could barely bear to admit it himself. Jedao hadn't known until the Galley; Gonou might not have told him for months more if the decision had not been snatched from his hands.]
It's impressive that he's so self-centered that he couldn't put together that timeline when I told him about the transformation, actually.
[Nathaniel had had the look of someone who was only interested in the information from a scientific perspective. Gonou supposes he'll have to look out for attempts to collect his blood.]
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Everyone he meets is an enemy in waiting. There's a certain point of power-hungry selfishness that demands it. Allies - not to mention superiors - are always rivals if one's ambitions are high enough. Underlings are always enemies if the exploitation is harsh enough. And those who are neither -
[Jedao shrugs. Enemies simple, or purely obstacles - who risk becoming enemies the moment they object to such treatment, if they are allowed to object. As Arthur discusses the slavery of demons in more detail, Jedao's hand flexes for a moment in Hakkai's, Jedao One's trigger finger twitching for a gun Jedao has never held.
Nathaniel's mental logic is easier for Jedao to follow than anyone from Earth. Their worlds are the same, for all that Nathaniel's is a primitive one-rock backwater. Jedao would have known long ago that caring about Nathaniel was pointless to the point of self-delusion, if hadn't in fact been very earnestly deluding himself that anything of the breach child was there.]
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[He runs his thumb along Jedao's twitching finger, recognizing the reflex, wondering at it. He's never seen Jedao hold a gun.]
I'd like to think that's its own punishment.
But if I'm being honest I would like to tell Arthur his inmate needs to be paddled so hard he can't sit down for a week.
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[As he did with Hakkai.]
But he's too stupid to adapt when the rewards of that game are not available. Poor lamb.
[Jedao sounds like he might be simmering mint sauce, if Hakkai didn't know better.]
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Quietly:]
If I had to guess, I would guess that he's stupid enough to believe that there are two classes of people, the stupid and the ones who think exactly like he does but simply haven't made their moves yet.
I'm not absolving him. I'm... very upset he betrayed both of us this way.
[His voice is very light and mild when he says that, carefully wrapped in decorum so as not to show the sharp edges.]
But I think he's young enough to learn better if he ever lets himself care about someone else.
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I don't think you're absolving him. I just...I think it's more frustrating for you, because you wanted to confront him with what he'd lost by this. But -
[Jedao's voice is softer now. He can feel the edges and the silk simultaneously, and he's turning his focus back to Hakkai, with careful effort.]
But it was something he forfeited deliberately, because he never valued it. And that's - that's just fucking awful, isn't it. For someone to decide on purpose that your kindness - offered on purpose, knowing the risk, despite the difficulty - to decide it's worthless to him.
[The poison will clear from Hakkai's body a lot sooner than that sting, Jedao is sure.]
I'm so fucking sorry, Hakkai-shei.
[The first time he's put the affectionate honorific with the new name.]
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He closes his eyes for a moment.]
Actually--
[There's a thread of wry humor in his voice, thin but there--]
I think I might just be insulted because I went to so much effort to offer kindness to him and I'm not sure he ever even noticed.
'How dare he think all that work was worthless--' [and then, letting the humor slip away] '--how dare he judge everything about me less important than scoring a symbolic little revenge for a slight that only ever existed in his own head.'
[Including Hakkai's actual life. He doesn't care what Arthur says about Nathaniel's views on the non-personhood of nonhuman life in particular: he's willing to believe Nathaniel when the boy says he'd have done the same thing to a human he thought was keeping a secret from him.]
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People do things they find rewarding. He likes getting symbolic little revenges. It's like a glimpse of his dreams of being the boot.
[And it's also one of the only real joys Nathaniel has had to hold onto during his life. That's something Jedao could sympathize with, but he's simply not going to. Nathaniel has not forfeited the benefits of Jedao's principles or his protection, but he has certainly forfeited his affection and empathy. He doesn't want them, and Jedao will not be foolishly, pointlessly providing them any longer.]
I expect any excuse would do, if he could make it sound good to the masters that live in his head.
[Most of the pitch-black bitterness replaced by spare, dry, shockingly pure contempt is at least a different tone.]
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I love your uncompromising sense of justice.
[Jedao's not wrong. And Hakkai isn't about to forgive Nat for what he's done, not without some sort of expression of remorse at the very least.
But it's hard for Hakkai to be quite so judgmental about it. Nat is, after all, fifteen.]
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I love you.
[Jedao nuzzles his cheek a little, even cracks a small smile.]
Do you think we should tell people you're the nice one?
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[Like John, apparently. He smiles back, small but sincere, and tugs Jedao's hand up so that their clasped hands can rest between their chests. Quietly:]
I'm sorry he betrayed you like that, too.
[Because even though Hakkai had been the one drinking poison, Jedao was the one who remembered Nat as a brother, who had treated him that way for a year and a half.]
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I'll be okay. Promise.
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[You can't be betrayed by someone you never trusted. But it's still betrayal, Hakkai thinks, even if someone had led you to believe they were loyal, and it had always been a lie.]
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I'm definitely not. But I will be.
[All he needs is time. And maybe a very stiff beating from Norton, to blot his thoughts out for a little while. Not now, though.]
You should let me pamper you a little. That would help.
[Shamelessly cheeky.]
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But it's not enough of a hurt to make him stupid about this. Nathaniel made his choice.]
I could be convinced to let you pamper me.
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What would you like? Massage out some of the muscle aches, maybe? Fancy bath later?
[Jedao has so many fancy bath oils.]
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You could put on one of your forest soundscapes?
[He brushes another kiss against Jedao's lips.]
Maybe a fancy bath later. But I still have to go talk to Sebastian today. He'll probably hold it against me that I took a full day after we were temporarily paired, as it is....
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You know him already?
[Hakkai talks about him like he does. He goes to fetch the soup, but he's still listening.]
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I do. We worked together in the kitchen, and he's helped me in the greenhouse, too.
He's not human, but I'm not sure exactly what kind of nonhuman. He works as a servant and tutor for a young nobleman back home, and has for a few years now.
[What else does he know about Sebastian...]
He likes cats quite a lot.
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[Hakkai isn't the public, though. Exceptions could be made.]
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[He smiles, settling into the cushions a bit more deeply.]