Well, I never wanted to be a teenager again, but I got a tattoo and it's still here. It aged thirty years overnight. I kind of love it though? Not my worst spontaneous decision.
[A coy grin, but he sits back, pulls up his sleeve and shows off... well it is certainly a prison-grade tattoo. It was done with ballpoint pen ink and a sharpened paper clip. But it's also clearly a Tree of Life, done in an old, runic style]
Let's just say I wouldn't have had the guts to do this back home. So that's one point in favor of the Barge.
Yeah, it was. Which I'm glad about. He designed it. Fifteen year old me probably would have come up with something stupid and trendy, if he hadn't been there.
[He sighs, deeply, mouth pinching. His voice is quiet, precise, and steady, long a soldier on a long march.]
...brutally, as I told him, it's not going to solve the problem he's actually mad about. The kind of people willing to approach or trust that kind of official system are not the same people who are going to end up screaming into the void and getting clumsily piled on. No inmate who doesn't have a friend to trust with their pain is going to trust strangers with an official job title instead.
My old inmate, James, stars love him, but I can just picture him storming out of a little sit-down like that, as the very best outcome, rather than trying to murder his mediator with a chair.
I think it might be a useful resource for some of the other wretched personal entanglements we end up with here, to have an easy default template to reach out to someone hopefully impartial. The long-running misunderstandings. I think if it exists wardens will end up using it more than inmates. But it would probably be better to have fewer things festering.
I admit I don't really understand what Neal is actually mad about, but my real concern is improving the Barge in general.
Would you ever consider mediating? Because I'll be honest, this place is so cloistered I don't think it's possible to get impartiality. Which was true at home, too, so I'm used to that. The best I'd hope for is the voice of someone who can prioritize a broader goal and I think you could do that. But maybe I'm reading you wrong? It's just a hunch.
[There's an urge, for a moment, to pour out all his frustrations and least charitable insights. But he does not believe that would do any good to anyone, would not actually promote kindness or understanding. It's a professional question, and Jedao is determined to act like a professional about it.]
I would consider it. I'm...usually insightful, and good at listening to people, and not getting side-tracked. But I come from a cultural context that's pretty different from Earth, and I have...a limited amount of interpersonal experience. So when I get it wrong, I get it very wrong.
Also, I'm fairly sure Neal doesn't want me anywhere near the project. I wouldn't want to put him in that position.
My problem is I think it's a good project but I wouldn't trust anyone Neal put in those roles.
[Which is as uncharitable as he can let himself get.]
But I would trust you. So that goes back to how things are already, doesn't it? We're all kind of our own islands, interacting and forming alliances here and there.
He has a lot of biases that he's both very aware of and still fully leans into. He only seems to trust people who do the same thing.
But I agree. Opinions are just opinions. Allegiances are earned. Or at least they should be.
I trust you because of how you handled the Sword Curse. You have better restraint than almost anyone else I've met on board. [Almost anyone.] And because of how you handled Neal, even though he shut you out.
Allegiances are a matter of shared objectives and acceptable methods. Trust is secondary; respect and affection are ancillary.
And, conversely, you can love and admire someone very much and nevertheless oppose them.
[Mild, abstract, and absolutely the voice of experience.]
Being able to act decisively in a crisis and being able to help people understand each other's perspectives are very different skillsets. I -
[He cuts himself off for a moment. Starts again.]
I didn't handle Neal, you realize. Just because I stayed calm doesn't make that any less a profound failure to communicate.
[Not a failure Jedao thinks is entirely his fault - but still.]
I don't have any idea who Neal trusts beyond Malcolm, but he's obviously not going to be a candidate. The fact that Neal is eliciting names from everyone...you pointed out that we're all biased. Neal's biases don't preclude him from wanting to pick people who are widely trusted enough and level-headed enough to give his plan a chance of working.
Why not wait and judge them for yourself? It's not like he can find some relative unknowns behind an asteroid.
Very true. I frequently oppose people I love. If you're around anyone long enough you'll find something to disagree about.
[He's been caught off guard here, where disagreeing with someone seems to be taken as a personal assault. It's made him gunshy about speaking up at all.]
I guess I'm sourcing people whose advice I'd consider taking, rather than relying on whatever it is Neal's setting up. And I guess I'm doing that because I'm cynical about his plan working, because I think I'm doing what everyone does anyway.
...And for what it's worth I think you did the best you possibly could have with Neal. Failures to communicate take two people, but one of you was trying harder than the other.
[Jedao doesn't mean disagreements. Jedao means war. But it's not really an important distinction now.]
Well, I'm honored, then.
But my advice is to give it a chance. Because it's something awkward and new. You are doing what everyone does. And even if Neal has an uncharitable view of...a lot of things, he isn't wrong that sometimes it's not enough.
[He laughs softly.]
And if that was my best, I'd hate to see my average.
I think most of the people I would worry about, from a...harm reduction perspective are self-aware enough to refuse even if they were suggested, which I also haven't seen.
Hakkai nominated Xie Lian, who is...wise, and kind, and impossible to rile, as far as I can tell. I don't worry he would ever let his private judgements lead him to demean or dismiss someone. I do worry that his very serene affect would read as coldness to some people in crisis. That they might...feel unacknowledged, wanting a bigger reaction. I worry that Ilde might be hurt by the pressure of the position, if she accepted.
It does seem very easy to misread things here. Back home if someone's not shooting at you they're probably okay to get to know; even if they do shoot they might still be okay to take home, you know? Here, a right word with the wrong inflection can set off a feud.
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How about you?
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Let's just say I wouldn't have had the guts to do this back home. So that's one point in favor of the Barge.
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It's beautiful.
Was it Godric?
[He was tattooed. And something about the symbol seems to fit.]
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Can I ask you a more professional question?
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[Rather than the professions he has dubiously held in the Hexarchate, none of which he thinks Jesus knows about.]
Yes, of course.
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What's your honest--brutally if you like--opinion about how that would work here?
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...brutally, as I told him, it's not going to solve the problem he's actually mad about. The kind of people willing to approach or trust that kind of official system are not the same people who are going to end up screaming into the void and getting clumsily piled on. No inmate who doesn't have a friend to trust with their pain is going to trust strangers with an official job title instead.
My old inmate, James, stars love him, but I can just picture him storming out of a little sit-down like that, as the very best outcome, rather than trying to murder his mediator with a chair.
I think it might be a useful resource for some of the other wretched personal entanglements we end up with here, to have an easy default template to reach out to someone hopefully impartial. The long-running misunderstandings. I think if it exists wardens will end up using it more than inmates. But it would probably be better to have fewer things festering.
I think it's worth trying.
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Would you ever consider mediating? Because I'll be honest, this place is so cloistered I don't think it's possible to get impartiality. Which was true at home, too, so I'm used to that. The best I'd hope for is the voice of someone who can prioritize a broader goal and I think you could do that. But maybe I'm reading you wrong? It's just a hunch.
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I would consider it. I'm...usually insightful, and good at listening to people, and not getting side-tracked. But I come from a cultural context that's pretty different from Earth, and I have...a limited amount of interpersonal experience. So when I get it wrong, I get it very wrong.
Also, I'm fairly sure Neal doesn't want me anywhere near the project. I wouldn't want to put him in that position.
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[Which is as uncharitable as he can let himself get.]
But I would trust you. So that goes back to how things are already, doesn't it? We're all kind of our own islands, interacting and forming alliances here and there.
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[Neal himself isn't well-suited to it, but he's self-aware about it, it's not as though he's even put forth any names yet.]
And why would you trust me? You don't particularly know me.
...although I'd caution you from confusing opinions with allegiances. They're really not the same thing, even though it's easy to feel like they are.
[It's one of the things Neal and Malcolm frequently assume that bothers Jedao most, in fact.]
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But I agree. Opinions are just opinions. Allegiances are earned. Or at least they should be.
I trust you because of how you handled the Sword Curse. You have better restraint than almost anyone else I've met on board. [Almost anyone.] And because of how you handled Neal, even though he shut you out.
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And, conversely, you can love and admire someone very much and nevertheless oppose them.
[Mild, abstract, and absolutely the voice of experience.]
Being able to act decisively in a crisis and being able to help people understand each other's perspectives are very different skillsets. I -
[He cuts himself off for a moment. Starts again.]
I didn't handle Neal, you realize. Just because I stayed calm doesn't make that any less a profound failure to communicate.
[Not a failure Jedao thinks is entirely his fault - but still.]
I don't have any idea who Neal trusts beyond Malcolm, but he's obviously not going to be a candidate. The fact that Neal is eliciting names from everyone...you pointed out that we're all biased. Neal's biases don't preclude him from wanting to pick people who are widely trusted enough and level-headed enough to give his plan a chance of working.
Why not wait and judge them for yourself? It's not like he can find some relative unknowns behind an asteroid.
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[He's been caught off guard here, where disagreeing with someone seems to be taken as a personal assault. It's made him gunshy about speaking up at all.]
I guess I'm sourcing people whose advice I'd consider taking, rather than relying on whatever it is Neal's setting up. And I guess I'm doing that because I'm cynical about his plan working, because I think I'm doing what everyone does anyway.
...And for what it's worth I think you did the best you possibly could have with Neal. Failures to communicate take two people, but one of you was trying harder than the other.
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Well, I'm honored, then.
But my advice is to give it a chance. Because it's something awkward and new. You are doing what everyone does. And even if Neal has an uncharitable view of...a lot of things, he isn't wrong that sometimes it's not enough.
[He laughs softly.]
And if that was my best, I'd hate to see my average.
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[He's teasing. He's grateful. He'll keep an open mind.]
Who would you worry about being in the position?
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Never trust a Shuos. It's too late for you, now.
[More seriously, more softly,]
I think most of the people I would worry about, from a...harm reduction perspective are self-aware enough to refuse even if they were suggested, which I also haven't seen.
Hakkai nominated Xie Lian, who is...wise, and kind, and impossible to rile, as far as I can tell. I don't worry he would ever let his private judgements lead him to demean or dismiss someone. I do worry that his very serene affect would read as coldness to some people in crisis. That they might...feel unacknowledged, wanting a bigger reaction. I worry that Ilde might be hurt by the pressure of the position, if she accepted.
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[It's a little bewildering for him.]
Can I ask you an unprofessional question now?
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You might get an unprofessional answer.
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[he's half-joking.]
What do you do to relax when you aren't breaking up fights?
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[It's not the same as Jedao's experience, but he gets it. There's a great deal of relief that comes with knowing the terrain, even if it's bad.]
I play a lot of video games. Read philosophy. Kinky sex. Watch shitty romance dramas. Water my plants. Practice art.
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Maybe I should play it safe and ask about the video games and philosophers you've read.
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