His hand is warmer than the ceramic; Hakkai flinches guiltily at the realization of how long he must have been sitting here not drinking the tea. He hadn't -- precisely been keeping track.
He turns his hand against Jedao's, pressing his fingertips back against the touch.
"No," he murmurs. "I'll leave it at one wasted cup. I, ah..."
His voice threatens to stall out; he summons up the mental image of Xie Lian, smiling at him with characteristically relentless gentleness and saying, have you told him yet?
Determinedly, he continues, "I've been... worrying. About something you said, earlier."
"It's still only one wasted cup if you drink the second one," Jedao points out, by which he means, I want you to have nice things.
He joins Hakkai on the couch instead, though, sitting cross-legged with his back to the arm of the couch, facing Hakkai with his full attention rather than draping against his shoulder.
"I mean. I don't think so. It's a big deal but it doesn't change - you? I'm grateful, I - it means a lot to me, and I know it's more complicated for you. But I already knew you would do things because you love me?"
"I know it means a lot to you," Hakkai admits, tangling his own fingers together as he rests his hands on his knee. "I -- think that... I don't entirely understand how it changes our relationship.
"I want you in my home and I want you as my family. That's the same for me, no matter what it's called or what ceremony we perform. How is it different for you? Having a lover, and having a husband?"
There's a flicker of uncertainty in his gaze as he meets Jedao's eyes. He knows how to be Jedao's lover. But-- being a star too bright to look at, being something idealized: he's not sure he could bear that for long. It's the wrong mask.
"It doesn't change our relationship," Jedao says, immediately. "I...that's the same, for me, you're my home and - and I'm working on. Not putting any qualifiers on that. Not...saying as long as you want me. I believe your promises the same whether we have a ceremony or not, I just."
He swallows. It's so hard to put into words, the nebulous longing for - something, some kind of recognition, a place for him, not in any of the societies he's actually known, but just the idea of society. That he's enough of a person to be included in the things that are only for people, even though he's an alien, an engine, an experiment, a copy, a tool. Ducks love each other for life but they don't get married. Dogs are loyal to their people for life but they don't get married.
"It's selfish. I mean - not in a bad way, just that - it's a thing I want for me. You're mine, no matter what I call you, but - I want to be a husband. I want...to be someone worth. Claiming like that, in front of everyone. And...a person, enough, for - who I choose to claim me be...something worth noticing."
"You're worth it," Hakkai says, just as quickly, before his hands tighten on each other until his knuckles pale. Jedao is -- someone Hakkai is proud to claim, someone he is lucky to so much as know, much less to have.
But he feels like a liar, when he thinks of standing up and claiming his lover in public: feels as if the man who makes his bows and pledges himself to his partner in red and gold is no more him than the Cho Hakkai who smiles his way through negotiations with villagers, the pleasant face of the Sanzo party.
He's a monster drenched in blood, a dirty cloth too far gone to be bleached clean. Jedao knows that about him and loves him anyway, and Hakkai will lie in public for him as many times as he wants. But in private--
He's not enough of a person to be a husband, and he's terrified of Jedao needing Hakkai to lie about that to him.
Very quietly, he admits, "I don't know if I am someone who... can have the right to make that claim. I don't want you to see me as anything but what I am."
Of course you do, Jedao thinks, but doesn't blurt it out. He's looking at Hakkai very intensely now, head slightly tilted, like he's trying to see through the cracks in the universe.
"What is it," he asks carefully, "That you're afraid I'm not seeing?"
Hakkai wishes for his cold teacup for a moment, to give his hands something to do other than squeeze each other until his fingers go numb. It's on the table, and so he deliberately relaxes his grip instead, finger by finger.
"I am nothing that shines." His voice is matter-of-fact, utterly level.
"Oh, yes," Hakkai murmurs. In retrospect, he has -- some different feelings about what his aura had been doing during that flood; but he's never really had to discuss it.
"You were shining the first day we met," Jedao says softly. "You were shining with everything inside you. And I couldn't read it, then, but I wanted to." He strokes his thumbs along the bones of Hakkai's hands, doesn't let go.
"My sword is made of nothing but light," Jedao murmurs. "You can't even cut rope with it. It only exists to kill living creatures. It shines white and red and with the day and the hour of your death." An old Kel superstition, but it's the myth that matters, sometimes. "It kills, and it shines, and it belongs in my hand." Absolute certainty.
"Stars are death. They are screaming poison fire for billions of years. They might be one of the only things that could kill me. And they sustain everything that lives on this side of gatespace. And they shine and shine and shine." Jedao wets his lips for moment, before continuing.
"He didn't know you. He was dazzled and singed by...the idea of being really loved by anyone at all. I know you. I know how ferocious and ruthless and ragged and sharp you are. You are the murderer that you are. And that killer that I've known, all along, is all my shining stars. I'm a moth, Hakkai-shei. I belong with the stars."
"And you have every right to claim me. You're the only one who does."
Hakkai turns his hands in Jedao's grip as he speaks, so that he can tighten them around Jedao's, until his own bones feel as if they might creak from the pressure; he's silent until Jedao finishes, and even then, all he can manage at first is a soft sound, three-quarters breath and wholly overwhelmed.
"Being yours," he says softly, "is real. Being a husband feels like a lie, but I would lie to anyone else for you, Jedao-shei.
"I'm only afraid of... ever having to lie to you. So long as you know who I am...."
He leans forward, resting his forehead against their entwined hands.
"I love you," Jedao replies, and brushes a kiss against Hakkai's forehead after.
"I'm very glad you told me. And I don't want to scare you again, but I think you're dead wrong about not being a person enough to be my husband, and I'm going to be obnoxious about it, so maybe think about that before you apologize too much."
He's teasing, very lightly; his grip loosens too but he doesn't let go.
"It's okay if the person you are isn't sure about being a husband. If the person you pretend to be with for other people comes to the wedding, and we trick everyone and I steal your name and we fool them all. But my lover is a person, too."
"I know I'm enough of a person to be your lover," Hakkai says softly. "I'm -- enough of a person for myself, even, most of the time. But I've never been enough of a person to stand up in front of everyone and tell the truth."
Even before he was a murderer, he was always a liar. No one would have accepted him and Kanan if they knew -- and even the lie only let them be accepted on sufferance, because even if they weren't twins, they were still orphans and strangers. After... both youkai and human were a lie, after. His very name was a lie, even if he's grown into it with time.
"I'll give you my name," he adds. "That, you won't be stealing. But I'd still feel better about it if I could fight someone."
Then maybe he'd feel as if he'd earned the right to be heard.
"Tools just...tell you whatever they're told to tell you," Jedao says softly. "Animals don't speak at all."
Including moths, most of the time. It is not given to moths to speak, even though they can. He thinks of the silence of the rest of his swarm, the way Revenant explained it. About rank, about deference.
"It takes a person, to be a liar. You don't have to have told the truth, to deserve to be heard in the place where people get to talk. No matter what you say." Truth or not.
"And I love you just the same no matter what you tell everyone else. But I'll see if I can recruit anyone for you."
"It's not--" He struggles for a moment with description before giving up; he suddenly feels, intensely, as if he wants to be held, and scoots closer to Jedao until their legs press together.
"It's not that I feel I'm something else." Besides, of course, youkai. He's not an animal or a tool, hasn't ever felt like a specific different category. "It's that... that recognition, you talked about." Being seen as a person, validated as a person, by the great faceless mass of society rather than by particular people at a time --
"That's not something that's ever suited me." He's reached for it, for being a normal accepted member of a community, at times. He's had his fingers burned for it. "And it's... not something I can give myself. So."
So, he expects someone to deny it, is on edge waiting for the rejection that's inherent in the task of asking society to approve of him and of his love. He sighs out a breath.
"Don't recruit someone," he adds low and a little acerbic. "But if anyone does need to be fought, let me know."
Hakkai scoots in close, turning to nestle the wings of his shoulderblades against Jedao's chest.
"No, it wouldn't work. I want to fight someone who doesn't think we have the right to be recognized like that, but I do realize the pickings are slim."
He could tell them about Kanan, he supposes, and laughs, acid-sharp. Plenty of people wouldn't think he had the right to this if he did.
"It might be cathartic even if it's just symbolic, that's all. That's...I mean, that's weddings too, isn't it? It's a trick. You do the ritual and you count."
That's what rituals are for.
"I don't know, maybe I'm not making sense anymore." He wraps his arms tight around Hakkai's chest, perches his chin on his shoulder.
"But I don't need you to be someone who can ask for that, as long as...you're okay with me thinking you should get to have it, if you ever did want."
Hakkai chuckles again at that, more rueful and less bitter, and puts his hand over Jedao's on his chest.
There's no ritual that's enough to make them count if they don't. It's just... inviting commentary, on whether they do count.
But he can understand why it matters so much to Jedao if that's how he sees it. And he can understand why it doesn't have to mean he's seeing Hakkai as a different person than he truly is.
"Maybe I should just remind myself that we're doing this for us," he murmurs. "Not for them, not to give us the right to be seen. Just for us."
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Re: a few days after the end of the flood
He turns his hand against Jedao's, pressing his fingertips back against the touch.
"No," he murmurs. "I'll leave it at one wasted cup. I, ah..."
His voice threatens to stall out; he summons up the mental image of Xie Lian, smiling at him with characteristically relentless gentleness and saying, have you told him yet?
Determinedly, he continues, "I've been... worrying. About something you said, earlier."
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
He joins Hakkai on the couch instead, though, sitting cross-legged with his back to the arm of the couch, facing Hakkai with his full attention rather than draping against his shoulder.
"Alright. What did I say?"
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
"It's-- ah. Not so much what you said, but... does it make you think of me differently, that we've agreed to marry?"
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
"I mean. I don't think so. It's a big deal but it doesn't change - you? I'm grateful, I - it means a lot to me, and I know it's more complicated for you. But I already knew you would do things because you love me?"
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
"I want you in my home and I want you as my family. That's the same for me, no matter what it's called or what ceremony we perform. How is it different for you? Having a lover, and having a husband?"
There's a flicker of uncertainty in his gaze as he meets Jedao's eyes. He knows how to be Jedao's lover. But-- being a star too bright to look at, being something idealized: he's not sure he could bear that for long. It's the wrong mask.
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
He swallows. It's so hard to put into words, the nebulous longing for - something, some kind of recognition, a place for him, not in any of the societies he's actually known, but just the idea of society. That he's enough of a person to be included in the things that are only for people, even though he's an alien, an engine, an experiment, a copy, a tool. Ducks love each other for life but they don't get married. Dogs are loyal to their people for life but they don't get married.
"It's selfish. I mean - not in a bad way, just that - it's a thing I want for me. You're mine, no matter what I call you, but - I want to be a husband. I want...to be someone worth. Claiming like that, in front of everyone. And...a person, enough, for - who I choose to claim me be...something worth noticing."
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
But he feels like a liar, when he thinks of standing up and claiming his lover in public: feels as if the man who makes his bows and pledges himself to his partner in red and gold is no more him than the Cho Hakkai who smiles his way through negotiations with villagers, the pleasant face of the Sanzo party.
He's a monster drenched in blood, a dirty cloth too far gone to be bleached clean. Jedao knows that about him and loves him anyway, and Hakkai will lie in public for him as many times as he wants. But in private--
He's not enough of a person to be a husband, and he's terrified of Jedao needing Hakkai to lie about that to him.
Very quietly, he admits, "I don't know if I am someone who... can have the right to make that claim. I don't want you to see me as anything but what I am."
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
"What is it," he asks carefully, "That you're afraid I'm not seeing?"
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
"I am nothing that shines." His voice is matter-of-fact, utterly level.
It's not that the younger Jedao had seen him that way that bothers him, although it had made him -- wonder, how different it is for Jedao to see a fiancé and a lover.
It's that his Jedao had said it, all affectionate sincerity, as if of course Hakkai was so bright as to dazzle unaccustomed eyes.
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
He doesn't squeeze, just rests them there, bird-light.
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
"Do you remember, the first time I saw you, the flood we were having?"
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
"My sword is made of nothing but light," Jedao murmurs. "You can't even cut rope with it. It only exists to kill living creatures. It shines white and red and with the day and the hour of your death." An old Kel superstition, but it's the myth that matters, sometimes. "It kills, and it shines, and it belongs in my hand." Absolute certainty.
"Stars are death. They are screaming poison fire for billions of years. They might be one of the only things that could kill me. And they sustain everything that lives on this side of gatespace. And they shine and shine and shine." Jedao wets his lips for moment, before continuing.
"He didn't know you. He was dazzled and singed by...the idea of being really loved by anyone at all. I know you. I know how ferocious and ruthless and ragged and sharp you are. You are the murderer that you are. And that killer that I've known, all along, is all my shining stars. I'm a moth, Hakkai-shei. I belong with the stars."
"And you have every right to claim me. You're the only one who does."
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
"Being yours," he says softly, "is real. Being a husband feels like a lie, but I would lie to anyone else for you, Jedao-shei.
"I'm only afraid of... ever having to lie to you. So long as you know who I am...."
He leans forward, resting his forehead against their entwined hands.
"So long as you know that, it's all right."
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
I won't ever forget, he almost says, as though he didn't just forget for a whole week.
"I have never once been tempted to pretend to myself that I didn't. Not for a second." He knows, and he doesn't want Hakkai to be anyone else.
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
Hakkai lets his grip loosen a little, just until it's no longer painfully tight, and brushes a kiss over Jedao's knuckles before he sits back up.
"I'm sorry," he adds, in a low voice. He does know when he's being ridiculous, even if he's not sure how to make himself stop.
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
"I'm very glad you told me. And I don't want to scare you again, but I think you're dead wrong about not being a person enough to be my husband, and I'm going to be obnoxious about it, so maybe think about that before you apologize too much."
He's teasing, very lightly; his grip loosens too but he doesn't let go.
"It's okay if the person you are isn't sure about being a husband. If the person you pretend to be with for other people comes to the wedding, and we trick everyone and I steal your name and we fool them all. But my lover is a person, too."
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
Even before he was a murderer, he was always a liar. No one would have accepted him and Kanan if they knew -- and even the lie only let them be accepted on sufferance, because even if they weren't twins, they were still orphans and strangers. After... both youkai and human were a lie, after. His very name was a lie, even if he's grown into it with time.
"I'll give you my name," he adds. "That, you won't be stealing. But I'd still feel better about it if I could fight someone."
Then maybe he'd feel as if he'd earned the right to be heard.
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
"Tools just...tell you whatever they're told to tell you," Jedao says softly. "Animals don't speak at all."
Including moths, most of the time. It is not given to moths to speak, even though they can. He thinks of the silence of the rest of his swarm, the way Revenant explained it. About rank, about deference.
"It takes a person, to be a liar. You don't have to have told the truth, to deserve to be heard in the place where people get to talk. No matter what you say." Truth or not.
"And I love you just the same no matter what you tell everyone else. But I'll see if I can recruit anyone for you."
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
"It's not that I feel I'm something else." Besides, of course, youkai. He's not an animal or a tool, hasn't ever felt like a specific different category. "It's that... that recognition, you talked about." Being seen as a person, validated as a person, by the great faceless mass of society rather than by particular people at a time --
"That's not something that's ever suited me." He's reached for it, for being a normal accepted member of a community, at times. He's had his fingers burned for it. "And it's... not something I can give myself. So."
So, he expects someone to deny it, is on edge waiting for the rejection that's inherent in the task of asking society to approve of him and of his love. He sighs out a breath.
"Don't recruit someone," he adds low and a little acerbic. "But if anyone does need to be fought, let me know."
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
"Are you sure? I bet Zerxus would duel you about it if I asked. And you owe him anyway."
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
"No, it wouldn't work. I want to fight someone who doesn't think we have the right to be recognized like that, but I do realize the pickings are slim."
He could tell them about Kanan, he supposes, and laughs, acid-sharp. Plenty of people wouldn't think he had the right to this if he did.
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
That's what rituals are for.
"I don't know, maybe I'm not making sense anymore." He wraps his arms tight around Hakkai's chest, perches his chin on his shoulder.
"But I don't need you to be someone who can ask for that, as long as...you're okay with me thinking you should get to have it, if you ever did want."
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
There's no ritual that's enough to make them count if they don't. It's just... inviting commentary, on whether they do count.
But he can understand why it matters so much to Jedao if that's how he sees it. And he can understand why it doesn't have to mean he's seeing Hakkai as a different person than he truly is.
"Maybe I should just remind myself that we're doing this for us," he murmurs. "Not for them, not to give us the right to be seen. Just for us."
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
Re: a few days after the end of the flood
Re: a few days after the end of the flood