"You're also not supposed to clean a wound until you've staunched the bleeding," Jedao counters, quietly, the silent not-sobs subsiding into little shuddering sporadic gasps.
And effort, and focus, and safety, and not being torn up again, and not twisting himself into knots trying not to shock or scare or scream at anyone while his hands are still too slick with blood to get a grip
"If... I wanna help you try and stop it faster." Sort of a question, sort of not. He does want to. "Are you gonna let me? Even just... being there, when you're having a bad time."
"Okay." With another soft squeeze, an unconscious reward for the difficult admission. "So... when being seen... helps. Call me? Aaaand, when it doesn't... I'll leave you alone. Until you tell me to."
He lifts his hand from its slow trail down Jedao's back and uses it to hold his head in another gentle hug. "Okay?"
"It's okay to ask," Jedao says softly. "As long as...I don't have to worry I'll hurt you, if the answer is no. And. You believe me, that I'm saying it because. I've been here before. And I've climbed out before, and I know the way."
New Year's was only the third worst day of his life. Maybe second.
"I'm not just wallowing or - whatever people assume I'm doing."
"I didn't think you were wallowing," he says, and maybe there's some playful offense there but it's entirely aimed at the concept of people seeing Jedao go to ground and think it was because he was being angsty. "I mean, it's not like I didn't know you were avoiding me. I thought you were scared."
Jedao feels like are you letting it keep bleeding or do you not know how to stop is a question that presumes a little bit of wallowing; he scowls momentarily into Eiffel's neck, but lets it go.
"What did you think I was scared of?" Jedao asks, instead of I'm not scared.
"That maybe I wouldn't want to be your friend anymore after all of that? Or that I'd like someone else more? That I would be scared or mad at you and just not telling you?"
"You don't lie well enough to not tell me," Jedao murmurs, which is not the same as not being afraid Eiffel might try.
"I was afraid of some of those things. More that you'd...hurt, seeing me, and try to hide it. But that's not why I was...I just needed some time to. To just - be as broken as I felt, and not - risk biting your hand off like a wounded animal, or have to keep pretending not to be one."
He pulls back a little from the hug, just so he can lean against the console with an arm still around Jedao's waist to look at him properly. Still plenty there if Jedao wants to continue it.
"Do we need, like. A safe word for that?" It's half a joke, but- "When you need to tell me to back off and it's serious?"
"I...I wouldn't ask you to back off if it wasn't serious. I wouldn't want you to back off if it wasn't serious. I don't...maybe I do get hung up on stupid things, sometimes. But I know they're flimsy, compared to - how good you are, for me. Maybe the safeword's to remind us both of that."
"You're allowed to have stuff that's such a bitch to deal with that you don't wanna make anyone else deal with it too," he says, giving Jedao's waist a soft squeeze. "And if you know it's stupid, and you just- I dunno, maybe want to get pushed a little to see if it's the kind of thing company helps, then I'm here. And if it's not, then-" He pauses, and thinks for a moment. "I dunno, we probably need a better codeword than 'swordfish' or something."
He breathes soft and slow for an awkwardly long silence, closing his eyes, holding himself still, neither leaning into Eiffel nor pulling away.
"With you -"
He stops. Starts again.
"The man who didn't love me. He -" He begged. Let me be something to you - "I was so lonely, when he came to me. I let him talk me into it. And now. I know you're you, and I know I don't ever have to feel greedy for wanting you. But I am so fucking terrified of being greedy. And the terror is all bright and new again. So - it's just hard, right now. Getting what I want."
That's a lot, and it's still confusing, but one thing still feels clear.
"Okay." His thumb rubs gently against Jedao's side. "So we take it slow. And I won't ask, for that. But I'll be here when you wanna be greedy again, cos- I like it, you know? Makes me feel kinda special. So just... hit me up. When you're feeling better. 'kay?"
"You are special," Jedao whispers. "You're so - I want you all the time. I mean - the way a cat wants to sit in the sunshine. Just being near you, I feel...lighter, more like a person. Wanting to kiss you and just wanting you, it's not separate, it's like one molten thing in my chest. Only right now I don't - trust my own wanting not to poison you."
It's hard when there's no right answer. When it's just one voice against the onslaught of voices in your head telling you that you'll just ruin every good thing you'll ever have. God knows Eiffel's dealt with his own enough.
But he can still try. "Well. I do have the benefit of knowing what a bad relationship feels like. And plenty of other people to talk to if I need a reality check." He tugs Jedao in a little, so he can lean in to plant a kiss on his forehead. "So, I guess- even in the worst possible case scenario where you do end up being bad for me. I've got back-up plans."
He smiles at Jedao, soft and small. "But I know how hard you're always trying. So I'm not scared."
Jedao makes a soft, crushed noise when Eiffel kisses him, and clenches his hands into fists, but he doesn't, doesn't, doesn't let himself flinch.
"I don't even believe it, really," he tries to explain, voice thin and strained. "I just can't stop feeling it. Like. Like your ears still ringing after an explosion."
"Well, that's supposed to stop, eventually," he echoes without realising, leaning against the console again. Still wrapped around Jedao to keep him warm and upright against him. "But... you know, if symptoms persist, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to go see a doctor. People's brains aren't supposed to handle all the bad shit that happens to 'em."
"My psychiatric team recommended I be executed," Jedao says, voice low and steady, in a tone that's hard to place in between mild and flat.
"It's not totally their fault. Bad data. And I was being recalcitrant. I learned a lot from them, actually. But I don't find doctors...healing. As a rule."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
"Does that mean you're letting them keep bleeding, or you don't know how to stop it?"
no subject
And effort, and focus, and safety, and not being torn up again, and not twisting himself into knots trying not to shock or scare or scream at anyone while his hands are still too slick with blood to get a grip
no subject
no subject
He swallows and swallows again, like he could gulp down the truth of it and make it disappear. He doesn't know how to say this that won't hurt.
"Sometimes. Being seen is. Not help."
no subject
He lifts his hand from its slow trail down Jedao's back and uses it to hold his head in another gentle hug. "Okay?"
no subject
New Year's was only the third worst day of his life. Maybe second.
"I'm not just wallowing or - whatever people assume I'm doing."
no subject
no subject
"What did you think I was scared of?" Jedao asks, instead of I'm not scared.
no subject
"That maybe I wouldn't want to be your friend anymore after all of that? Or that I'd like someone else more? That I would be scared or mad at you and just not telling you?"
no subject
"I was afraid of some of those things. More that you'd...hurt, seeing me, and try to hide it. But that's not why I was...I just needed some time to. To just - be as broken as I felt, and not - risk biting your hand off like a wounded animal, or have to keep pretending not to be one."
no subject
"Do we need, like. A safe word for that?" It's half a joke, but- "When you need to tell me to back off and it's serious?"
no subject
"I...I wouldn't ask you to back off if it wasn't serious. I wouldn't want you to back off if it wasn't serious. I don't...maybe I do get hung up on stupid things, sometimes. But I know they're flimsy, compared to - how good you are, for me. Maybe the safeword's to remind us both of that."
no subject
no subject
He breathes soft and slow for an awkwardly long silence, closing his eyes, holding himself still, neither leaning into Eiffel nor pulling away.
"With you -"
He stops. Starts again.
"The man who didn't love me. He -" He begged. Let me be something to you - "I was so lonely, when he came to me. I let him talk me into it. And now. I know you're you, and I know I don't ever have to feel greedy for wanting you. But I am so fucking terrified of being greedy. And the terror is all bright and new again. So - it's just hard, right now. Getting what I want."
no subject
"Okay." His thumb rubs gently against Jedao's side. "So we take it slow. And I won't ask, for that. But I'll be here when you wanna be greedy again, cos- I like it, you know? Makes me feel kinda special. So just... hit me up. When you're feeling better. 'kay?"
no subject
"You are special," Jedao whispers. "You're so - I want you all the time. I mean - the way a cat wants to sit in the sunshine. Just being near you, I feel...lighter, more like a person. Wanting to kiss you and just wanting you, it's not separate, it's like one molten thing in my chest. Only right now I don't - trust my own wanting not to poison you."
no subject
But he can still try. "Well. I do have the benefit of knowing what a bad relationship feels like. And plenty of other people to talk to if I need a reality check." He tugs Jedao in a little, so he can lean in to plant a kiss on his forehead. "So, I guess- even in the worst possible case scenario where you do end up being bad for me. I've got back-up plans."
He smiles at Jedao, soft and small. "But I know how hard you're always trying. So I'm not scared."
no subject
"I don't even believe it, really," he tries to explain, voice thin and strained. "I just can't stop feeling it. Like. Like your ears still ringing after an explosion."
And it'll fade the same way. He hopes.
no subject
no subject
"It's not totally their fault. Bad data. And I was being recalcitrant. I learned a lot from them, actually. But I don't find doctors...healing. As a rule."