if they're filtered and you want me in this role going forward, I don't think you should show them to me unless Malcolm agrees it's okay for me to see them
[after a second, he adds]
if you want me to do the asking as a trial run i can
he didn't play into Malcolm's skewed perspectives. he recognized that Malcolm treats people badly sometimes, and he didn't act like it's everyone else's job to put up with it and work around it, but he handled it in a way that was sympathetic to Malcolm and his struggles. he called both of us out when we were doing something unhelpful or unproductive. he gave me tips on how to be more patient and understanding and stuff like that.
I'd even go so far as to say 'don't assume intent' at all. there's a lot of times I've had to ask malcolm to back up and clarify a thing he said that seemed outrageous to me, and I'd misunderstood pretty badly, even though i'm supposed to be good at that
have you suggested me to him or are you asking me first?
yeah, seemed like the best place. i'd be ok with a different location, though. depending on where it was.
i gotta say i'm not wild about relying too much on never assuming intent, though. i don't think Kiryu meant him to, but he uses it as a crutch now. "i didn't intend to cause harm, so you're not allowed to be mad about it, and anyway it's your fault for assuming my intent and misinterpreting me", that kind of thing.
1. you may rest assured that should it come up, that is a caliber of wolfshit i am willing to call him on
2. to clarify for myself, i mean 'not assuming intent broadly' as more of tactical consideration than a moral one. i've managed to protect myself from a fair amount of pain and anger by building the habit of taking a breath and asking myself 'did he actually say the thing, or am I making what seems to me an obvious interpretation'. and while it's not only your responsibility to do that, it's useful
i mean, what's better: you get hurt by something he didn't mean, and eventually he apologizes, or you don't get hurt at all?
for the record i would like him to learn to work on this also but i think he's gonna take longer than you and you could save yourself some headaches in the meantime
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i guess in person because they're filtered
i want to know what i should have done instead, on a scale of "you were way too harsh on him" to "you should have hung up on him three sentences in".
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[after a second, he adds]
if you want me to do the asking as a trial run i can
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if you don't, i trust your judgement
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can you tell me a little bit about what parts of what Kiryu was doing were most helpful for you?
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I'd even go so far as to say 'don't assume intent' at all. there's a lot of times I've had to ask malcolm to back up and clarify a thing he said that seemed outrageous to me, and I'd misunderstood pretty badly, even though i'm supposed to be good at that
have you suggested me to him or are you asking me first?
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I'll check in with him about what's worked for him and if he's cool with me checking out the old conversations
you guys did it in the counseling offices before, i'm guessing?
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i gotta say i'm not wild about relying too much on never assuming intent, though. i don't think Kiryu meant him to, but he uses it as a crutch now. "i didn't intend to cause harm, so you're not allowed to be mad about it, and anyway it's your fault for assuming my intent and misinterpreting me", that kind of thing.
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2. to clarify for myself, i mean 'not assuming intent broadly' as more of tactical consideration than a moral one. i've managed to protect myself from a fair amount of pain and anger by building the habit of taking a breath and asking myself 'did he actually say the thing, or am I making what seems to me an obvious interpretation'. and while it's not only your responsibility to do that, it's useful
i mean, what's better: you get hurt by something he didn't mean, and eventually he apologizes, or you don't get hurt at all?
for the record i would like him to learn to work on this also but i think he's gonna take longer than you and you could save yourself some headaches in the meantime
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you sure you want to deal with this?
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i'm sure it's something I'm willing to work at for both of you
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