"I'm not saying it's exactly the same. I know Richter was a dick. Just...sometimes, when we've been hurt very badly, reminders can be terrible without anybody doing anything that really matches how much. I almost had a panic attack when I first met Florian, just because he reminded me so much of person that made me. But actually Florian is completely wonderful. But that didn't matter then, because...I just couldn't deal with him, at first. It doesn't mean he has any right to hurt you, just like you know you shouldn't have gone after Richter, but it does mean that leaving him alone and...letting him decide how to handle that hurt in his own time, is the kindest thing you can do."
"Yeah." His hesitation is less to do with doubt than... he's not sure. Maybe the uncertainty of it. The question of how long Charlie will be on board, how long he'll spend right here, hating Edwin, making every turn down a hall a possible confrontation. The only place he can guarantee Charlie won't be is either his cabin or the speakeasy, and he doesn't like the speakeasy that much.
"...I'm... scared of what he'll tell people about me. I'm scared they'll hate me because of what I don't remember doing to him, or because of what the other version of me did."
"That does sound scary," he agrees. "I don't think it's going to happen, though. When I was at home, and people hated me because of what Jedao One did, it was because...he was the one they knew about first. They knew what he was like, and they didn't know me at all, so they were sticking with what they did know for sure. For Charlie, that's what it's like with you right now. But for everyone else on the barge, they know you first. They know who you are, what you're like, how you've changed already, and if they like you or dislike you, it's based on their experience of you, first-hand. Charlie is the one coming in with new information, second-hand, about someone who might be like you, or not. If he tells them about a person who seems really different from you, that's not evidence that you aren't like what they know. That's evidence that the guy he's talking about must actually be a different person. That's what most people are going to think, I bet."
It's reassuring, genuinely settles him, but there's something else that pinches at him too. A sadness, new but familiar, something a few steps to the left of melancholy.
"...That's going to hurt him. Confuse him. Make him angry."
He snuggles in against Jedao, and grabs one of his tails to lightly chew on the end while he thinks.
Edwin is such a good fucking kid. Jedao feels like a hand is squeezing his heart in his chest.
"Maybe. If it does happen, then the ultimate source of that hurt is the King, for making him feel like he needs to warn people, not you for not matching his warnings. But I think he probably won't want to talk about it very much."
"I know...I know the biggest things. I know he's the person who made Hunter...the person he was when he came here as a new inmate. But I don't know a lot of the details."
The compliments make him feel lighter than he has all day. It makes him feel bright inside, combats the fatigue that still hasn't really gone away after coming back from being used by Larson.
"I think... it's close enough. I know I'm not the King. I know I'm not the Yellow who hurt him. But that doesn't really matter if that's who he sees when I'm there. I mean, it does, but... It doesn't make him feel better. It..."
He stops. Hesitates. "It didn't make me feel better, when Arthur said he wasn't the one who hurt me. It made me angry."
"At the time, that's true. But it was also important for you to know that he wasn't going to act the same way. Because under the anger, it's fear. And even if you didn't believe it at first, it had to start with people telling you the truth. And maybe it will never make him feel better, but - it's still important to know. It's....complicated. It's the sort of thing that only gets better slow."
"I know." And, strangely, he does. Arthur's apology, the hug after, the friendliness they've had since--he'd started to think it was impossible. He'd started to think every bit of equilibrium they found would only last until something beyond the barge overturned it.
"I..." A pause, a long one, and his tone is baffled more than anything else. "I think I'll be okay even if he never likes me."
"I know you will," Jedao says truthfully. "I'd feel a little bit sorry for him, not getting to know my best boy. But you'll have the people who love you."
Sorry Jedao, he's having a Moment of internalizing the reality that there are way too many people in the universe to even meet everyone, never mind try and get them to like him.
That's a weird and exhausting relief.
He flops against Jedao chest and keeps chewing on his tail.
Jedao floats a fidget puzzle out of one of his desk drawers, and offers it to Edwin. It's got clicky bits, and squishy bits, and twisty bits, like Dr. Seuss got his hands on a Rubik's cube.
"It's for having something to fiddle with that isn't chewing your own fingernails, mostly," Jedao tells him warmly. "Or tails. Not that you can't, but - if it helps, you can keep it."
He likes that idea, tucking it away to add to his garden. He's got more than flowers there now--he's started folding little green leaves of concepts he has or hears from people, sees elsewhere, wants to think about. Things that could be something, but aren't in him yet.
(Clicky clicky clicky.)
"I think..."
And he is thinking, hard.
"I think... I'm... choosing not to be scared of him. Charlie."
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"Yes... But Richter said things to me already, before then. I never talked to Charlie bef-- well, I never talked to this one."
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"I'm not saying it's exactly the same. I know Richter was a dick. Just...sometimes, when we've been hurt very badly, reminders can be terrible without anybody doing anything that really matches how much. I almost had a panic attack when I first met Florian, just because he reminded me so much of person that made me. But actually Florian is completely wonderful. But that didn't matter then, because...I just couldn't deal with him, at first. It doesn't mean he has any right to hurt you, just like you know you shouldn't have gone after Richter, but it does mean that leaving him alone and...letting him decide how to handle that hurt in his own time, is the kindest thing you can do."
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"...I'm... scared of what he'll tell people about me. I'm scared they'll hate me because of what I don't remember doing to him, or because of what the other version of me did."
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"That does sound scary," he agrees. "I don't think it's going to happen, though. When I was at home, and people hated me because of what Jedao One did, it was because...he was the one they knew about first. They knew what he was like, and they didn't know me at all, so they were sticking with what they did know for sure. For Charlie, that's what it's like with you right now. But for everyone else on the barge, they know you first. They know who you are, what you're like, how you've changed already, and if they like you or dislike you, it's based on their experience of you, first-hand. Charlie is the one coming in with new information, second-hand, about someone who might be like you, or not. If he tells them about a person who seems really different from you, that's not evidence that you aren't like what they know. That's evidence that the guy he's talking about must actually be a different person. That's what most people are going to think, I bet."
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"...That's going to hurt him. Confuse him. Make him angry."
He snuggles in against Jedao, and grabs one of his tails to lightly chew on the end while he thinks.
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"Maybe. If it does happen, then the ultimate source of that hurt is the King, for making him feel like he needs to warn people, not you for not matching his warnings. But I think he probably won't want to talk about it very much."
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Edwin looks up at Jedao. "I think I need to go ask Hunter something."
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"I know...I know the biggest things. I know he's the person who made Hunter...the person he was when he came here as a new inmate. But I don't know a lot of the details."
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"I don't think it's exactly the same, but it still might be a very good perspective to think about."
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"I think... it's close enough. I know I'm not the King. I know I'm not the Yellow who hurt him. But that doesn't really matter if that's who he sees when I'm there. I mean, it does, but... It doesn't make him feel better. It..."
He stops. Hesitates. "It didn't make me feel better, when Arthur said he wasn't the one who hurt me. It made me angry."
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Jedao pets down Edwin's back.
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"I..." A pause, a long one, and his tone is baffled more than anything else. "I think I'll be okay even if he never likes me."
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That's a weird and exhausting relief.
He flops against Jedao chest and keeps chewing on his tail.
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"Try this?"
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Clicky and squishy bits garner his immediate interest.
"What's this for?"
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"People make things for everything."
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There are worse mindsets.
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(Clicky clicky clicky.)
"I think..."
And he is thinking, hard.
"I think... I'm... choosing not to be scared of him. Charlie."
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