He asks it softly, not barbed, even though Jedao knows - even if Gojyo doesn't, not consciously - that the answer to the unspoken extension without you is a deep and miserable yes. Jedao knows he's - poking. He wants to see what he can shake loose, if he can get Gojyo to poke back.
Of course, if Gojyo doesn't want to answer, it's not Jedao's turn to ask anything.
"--Hey, fuck you." He doesn't shout, but his tone definitely hints on wanting to.
He downs his glass in one angry swig before slamming it down on the table. He hears the unspoken extension, although, as Jedao guesses, the answer to it isn't clear to him.
"You can fuck the entire place with him watching if that's what you're both into for all I care! I'm sorry it's just the tiniest bit weird to have someone I live with suddenly with someone and--" a big, frustrated arm sweep "-- all this fucking shit!"
"Yeah," he says evenly, not angry, but not quiet either. Just - solemn, acknowledging.
"It is weird. I'm sorry it's weird. And I'm sorry he was such a dick to you about it." He doesn't know what deep personal wound Hakkai targeted, but he can tell from both their reactions that he did.
"But he wouldn't have been tense enough to bite your head off in the first place if you weren't crazy important to him. So...I'm here. Because I figure maybe it'll be less weird, eventually, if I'm not just some stranger."
"...well, it matters because, one, you seem great and didn't deserve this, and two, I think he's going to be pretty miserable if he can't make it up to you."
They've largely abandoned the pretense of the cards, so Jedao scoops them up, shuffles idly to have something to do with his hands.
Jedao tips his own drink side to side, pensively, watching the bubbles from the club soda cluster and trail upward.
"I'd accepted coming second, you know? I was never going to be her, but I was alive. He chose me. And then it turns out he didn't die, he's gone and he's back and has a new name and you saved him, you were his home for five years and he only sort of remembers me, you're from his world, you share his mission, you understand things about him that I never will."
He cuts himself off before he can get even more maudlin.
"Anyway. That was awhile ago, from my view. We got married. And now you're here and...I try to be careful, I try to be kind, but you're miserable and pissed at me and still making the effort not to be cruel, and I can tell you aren't doing it for any angle at all. You're just that kind of bone-deep good. It's as rare as it is annoying. And then he freaked out and acted like a total bitch, so now I have to be the sane one instead of being, just, deeply weird about you. But I promise I'm keeping it in reserve."
Gojyo takes another swig of his drink, not downing it all at once for now.
"...Did he actually call me that?"
Yet another question he'd never ask while sober.
"'Home'?"
That doesn't sound like the Hakkai he knows, saying something like that out loud. But it's evident by now he doesn't know the person Hakkai has become.
Hakkai hasn't changed that much, after all, although Jedao has heard him say dear friend, before.
"But it's in his voice when he talks about you. And - when we were planning the wedding, one of the rituals, from my father's people, is bringing your new spouse's family a live goose. It's symbolic of things. And he immediately said you, for that part. We don't have geese here but we're going to redo it someday, when we can get everyone."
So they've got to be made up by then.
"And one time, the barge gave us pieces of each other's memories. And I remembered - you. Nothing happening, just a peaceful day in our - in your house. I remember what he felt."
...How the hell is he supposed to respond to that?
Gojyo rubs his face. It could be interpreted as brushing away tears, although that's not the case - Gojyo doesn't cry easily.
How the hell is he supposed to respond to that? He doesn't even know what his emotions are doing. It doesn't occur to him to even suspect that Jedao might be embellishing things.
"So, that's something to think about," Jedao murmurs, when the silence makes it clear that something has gotten through the reflexive shield of self-abnegation.
"I hope you'll call me if there's anything else I can answer."
But he finishes his drink and stands up, intending to retreat while he's ahead and leave Gojyo pondering that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He asks it softly, not barbed, even though Jedao knows - even if Gojyo doesn't, not consciously - that the answer to the unspoken extension without you is a deep and miserable yes. Jedao knows he's - poking. He wants to see what he can shake loose, if he can get Gojyo to poke back.
Of course, if Gojyo doesn't want to answer, it's not Jedao's turn to ask anything.
no subject
He downs his glass in one angry swig before slamming it down on the table. He hears the unspoken extension, although, as Jedao guesses, the answer to it isn't clear to him.
"You can fuck the entire place with him watching if that's what you're both into for all I care! I'm sorry it's just the tiniest bit weird to have someone I live with suddenly with someone and--" a big, frustrated arm sweep "-- all this fucking shit!"
no subject
"Yeah," he says evenly, not angry, but not quiet either. Just - solemn, acknowledging.
"It is weird. I'm sorry it's weird. And I'm sorry he was such a dick to you about it." He doesn't know what deep personal wound Hakkai targeted, but he can tell from both their reactions that he did.
"But he wouldn't have been tense enough to bite your head off in the first place if you weren't crazy important to him. So...I'm here. Because I figure maybe it'll be less weird, eventually, if I'm not just some stranger."
no subject
"You the official consolation board or what?"
It's uncharitable to hear Jedao's 'I'm sorry' as pity and Gojyo knows that, but fuck if he's feeling charitable right now.
"What the hell does it matter if it's weird? It is what it is. Doesn't mean I don't fucking want him to be happy."
And if Gojyo's so goddamn important to Hakkai-- well. He has a damn funny way of showing it.
no subject
They've largely abandoned the pretense of the cards, so Jedao scoops them up, shuffles idly to have something to do with his hands.
no subject
Gojyo doesn't immediately down his next glass, instead twirling it between his fingers.
"The fuck was that about being 'stupid jealous' anyway."
Okay, now he's not-sober enough to ask that.
no subject
"I'd accepted coming second, you know? I was never going to be her, but I was alive. He chose me. And then it turns out he didn't die, he's gone and he's back and has a new name and you saved him, you were his home for five years and he only sort of remembers me, you're from his world, you share his mission, you understand things about him that I never will."
He cuts himself off before he can get even more maudlin.
"Anyway. That was awhile ago, from my view. We got married. And now you're here and...I try to be careful, I try to be kind, but you're miserable and pissed at me and still making the effort not to be cruel, and I can tell you aren't doing it for any angle at all. You're just that kind of bone-deep good. It's as rare as it is annoying. And then he freaked out and acted like a total bitch, so now I have to be the sane one instead of being, just, deeply weird about you. But I promise I'm keeping it in reserve."
Is he serious? Maybe. Sort of.
no subject
He punctuates that by downing half his glass again.
"It ain't my place to talk about his past, but if you know about her, you should know what a giant deal it is for him to be with anyone else."
Gojyo is nothing in comparison to that.
no subject
"I know that. The stuff I said is all still true, though."
no subject
Fuck, us living together wasn't-- it was never meant to be permanent in the first place."
And Gojyo's a goddamn idiot for getting used to having someone that didn't leave. Idiot idiot idiot.
no subject
no subject
Gojyo takes another swig of his drink, not downing it all at once for now.
"...Did he actually call me that?"
Yet another question he'd never ask while sober.
"'Home'?"
That doesn't sound like the Hakkai he knows, saying something like that out loud. But it's evident by now he doesn't know the person Hakkai has become.
no subject
Hakkai hasn't changed that much, after all, although Jedao has heard him say dear friend, before.
"But it's in his voice when he talks about you. And - when we were planning the wedding, one of the rituals, from my father's people, is bringing your new spouse's family a live goose. It's symbolic of things. And he immediately said you, for that part. We don't have geese here but we're going to redo it someday, when we can get everyone."
So they've got to be made up by then.
"And one time, the barge gave us pieces of each other's memories. And I remembered - you. Nothing happening, just a peaceful day in our - in your house. I remember what he felt."
no subject
Gojyo rubs his face. It could be interpreted as brushing away tears, although that's not the case - Gojyo doesn't cry easily.
How the hell is he supposed to respond to that? He doesn't even know what his emotions are doing. It doesn't occur to him to even suspect that Jedao might be embellishing things.
He downs the remainder of his glass.
no subject
"So, that's something to think about," Jedao murmurs, when the silence makes it clear that something has gotten through the reflexive shield of self-abnegation.
"I hope you'll call me if there's anything else I can answer."
But he finishes his drink and stands up, intending to retreat while he's ahead and leave Gojyo pondering that.
no subject
He doesn't stop him from leaving. Just refills his glass again.