"It's all real," Jedao says softly. "Killing Carol wasn't an atrocity, Shen Wei. But it was an expression of you. The pain and loneliness, the unvoiced rage, the obsession and desperation, the ultimately unsustainable self-denial - all of that is you, and everything you have chosen, over and over again. Every little kindness, your steadfastness and nurturing and loyal memory. It's all real, it's all you. We are made up of our habits. Few things are stronger. You chose to build these ones - the ones I admire most, and the ones that conspired with truly wretched circumstances into leading you one terrible moment."
He doesn't even call it a mistake. If he'd done it deliberately, tactically, in an attempt to protect the ship - Jedao doesn't know if the Admiral would have reacted the same way, but he knows that he might have chosen to kill her far more cold-bloodedly. But it was of a piece with personal fracture lines that he hopes can heal, eventually.
"Those habits, I hope, you can learn to replace with new ones that don't trap you in indefinite strain. But you still...you can be both. You don't have to be...the man who always does the right thing to also be my favorite uncle. Being a person pretty much always does mean being some of both."
"It was... so many more than one terrible moment," he points out softly. He might have been demoted for that first murder, but then there'd been the massacre on the galley, the attack on Zhao Yunlan's inmate, on his own twin when he stepped in, and the aftermath, most of which is still a blur of pain and confusion and fear and despair in his memory, the long months after not much better.
And yet, Zhao Yunlan has forgiven him, and loves him still. Didi and Taylor mei have forgiven him. Xiao Jedao has read everything in his file, knows all of it, and still chooses to call him family. Still looks up to him.
He pulls away from xiao Jedao's embrace and curls into himself a little. His head is bowed, long hair falling to half conceal the way his face is pressed into his hands. He just... he needs a little distance as his shoulders shake and his breath hitches and he tries very hard to reconcile his image of himself, with everything that's happened to him and everything he's done, and what the people he loves still see in him despite it all.
"Being a person is, I think, a great deal harder than I had imagined," he manages to choke out.
"It's definitely more complicated," Jedao muses, taking the time to float the tea in from the kitchen, since Shen Wei has pulled away a little bit. He pours a cup for each of them and sips his, leaving everything else on the little coffee table.
"And unfamiliar things are often difficult. But I think...you talk about the the mask. It's so much effort, constantly, for centuries, to force yourself into being the tool you thought you had to be. I think, once you get the hang of it, being person might also be easier, in some ways."
He can hear the quiet sounds of xiao Jedao pouring tea over his own ragged breaths, feel the warmth of his presence and the familiarity of his energy close by, and he lets himself focus on that, on his calm, soothing voice. And doesn't tell himself that he's behaving like a child, that his weakness is humiliating, or a burden. He just lets himself... sit. With xiao Jedao's words, with his own thoughts, for a long, quiet moment as he masters his breathing.
"It's been so long-" He has to stop and steady his breathing before he starts again- "It's been so long that... that it doesn't feel like effort anymore," he admits. "And if I let it go... what will I be without it." It's not really a question, just the knee-jerk fear that squirms in his chest as he begins to truly accept the reality that he can change. Should change. Not just as an intellectual exercise, not just to escape this place, but because he deserves better, and so do the people he loves. And it's terrifying.
"Someone lighter," Jedao answers, with a quiet certainty. "Someone more free, who can feel the wind and tears equally on his face."
Because even if it doesn't feel like effort - it is, because it's not who Shen Wei really is, and it never has been. Jedao is certain of that, in the same deep place in his breastbone that Crowned-With-Eyes lives.
He scrubs his hands over his face and finally lifts his head, the only sign there might have been tears some redness around his eyes.
"Someone lighter... who's allowed to be heavy." It's meant to be a tease, but it comes out a little too ragged and a little too real.
He blinks a few times and finds a wan smile for xiao Jedao. "Thank you, zhizi, for your wisdom. And... and for your... your care." He'd almost said love, but that feels too presumptuous even now. "I think... perhaps that I should go speak with Zhao Yunlan." Because maybe xiao Jedao is right, and he should let his beloved be a support to him, rather than hiding his fears and weaknesses from him.
"Yes," he answers, decisively. "If you put down a burden you've been carrying so long you don't remember what it feels like, and you get to lean on the people around you."
Be heavy. Feel light.
"You can come back any time," Jedao promises him, leaning in for another tight hug.
"Yes," he agrees on a breath, and feels like it shudders right to his core. Of course."
He squeezes xiao Jedao back without hesitation this time. "My apologies for wasting your good tea," he murmurs as he lets go and stands. "But I'll try very hard not to waste your good advice." And then he's stepping backwards into a hole in reality, before he has a chance to talk himself out of it.
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He doesn't even call it a mistake. If he'd done it deliberately, tactically, in an attempt to protect the ship - Jedao doesn't know if the Admiral would have reacted the same way, but he knows that he might have chosen to kill her far more cold-bloodedly. But it was of a piece with personal fracture lines that he hopes can heal, eventually.
"Those habits, I hope, you can learn to replace with new ones that don't trap you in indefinite strain. But you still...you can be both. You don't have to be...the man who always does the right thing to also be my favorite uncle. Being a person pretty much always does mean being some of both."
no subject
And yet, Zhao Yunlan has forgiven him, and loves him still. Didi and Taylor mei have forgiven him. Xiao Jedao has read everything in his file, knows all of it, and still chooses to call him family. Still looks up to him.
He pulls away from xiao Jedao's embrace and curls into himself a little. His head is bowed, long hair falling to half conceal the way his face is pressed into his hands. He just... he needs a little distance as his shoulders shake and his breath hitches and he tries very hard to reconcile his image of himself, with everything that's happened to him and everything he's done, and what the people he loves still see in him despite it all.
"Being a person is, I think, a great deal harder than I had imagined," he manages to choke out.
no subject
"And unfamiliar things are often difficult. But I think...you talk about the the mask. It's so much effort, constantly, for centuries, to force yourself into being the tool you thought you had to be. I think, once you get the hang of it, being person might also be easier, in some ways."
no subject
"It's been so long-" He has to stop and steady his breathing before he starts again- "It's been so long that... that it doesn't feel like effort anymore," he admits. "And if I let it go... what will I be without it." It's not really a question, just the knee-jerk fear that squirms in his chest as he begins to truly accept the reality that he can change. Should change. Not just as an intellectual exercise, not just to escape this place, but because he deserves better, and so do the people he loves. And it's terrifying.
no subject
Because even if it doesn't feel like effort - it is, because it's not who Shen Wei really is, and it never has been. Jedao is certain of that, in the same deep place in his breastbone that Crowned-With-Eyes lives.
no subject
"Someone lighter... who's allowed to be heavy." It's meant to be a tease, but it comes out a little too ragged and a little too real.
He blinks a few times and finds a wan smile for xiao Jedao. "Thank you, zhizi, for your wisdom. And... and for your... your care." He'd almost said love, but that feels too presumptuous even now. "I think... perhaps that I should go speak with Zhao Yunlan." Because maybe xiao Jedao is right, and he should let his beloved be a support to him, rather than hiding his fears and weaknesses from him.
no subject
Be heavy. Feel light.
"You can come back any time," Jedao promises him, leaning in for another tight hug.
no subject
He squeezes xiao Jedao back without hesitation this time. "My apologies for wasting your good tea," he murmurs as he lets go and stands. "But I'll try very hard not to waste your good advice." And then he's stepping backwards into a hole in reality, before he has a chance to talk himself out of it.