"Just be yourself," Hakkai says softly. "You don't-- it's not your responsibility to make it work, Jedao. It's mine."
And if Gojyo doesn't want to come with them, Hakkai has to know. He doesn't think he could bear it, if he made that offer at the last minute and Gojyo said sure, I'll visit sometime.
If he says no now, it might break Hakkai's heart a little even so, but... maybe, maybe. Maybe he can be honest and it won't end in rejection, not with Gojyo.
His hand keeps moving, petting Jedao's head lightly. "I know he likes Edwin. And you, even if he's mad about it." And Edwin is theirs: they've adopted him. Surely he'll come along.
Jedao breathes out a soft huff of air, more relief than he wants it to be. It still feels - strange, to be told outright, that anything isn't his responsibility; he resents how much it matters, how good it feels, soft and cool like the mist off the sea, when Sheehan took him to see a lighthouse.
He wants it to be a huff of dubious exasperation, and he shoves as much of that into it as he can, snorting lightly.
"He does not like me, he thinks I'm an impenetrable schemer who is blatantly manipulating him with any available lonely children, which, to be fair, I did," Jedao argues. He slides one hand up under Hakkai's shirt, just - to be closer, to feel warm skin.
"Yes, Hakkai-shei, it's alright," he promises, softer. "Obviously we're going to steal him if we possibly can."
"He's mad that he thinks you're a good person even while being jealous of you," Hakkai corrects, and shifts the hand on Jedao's head to his chin, tilting his head up for a proper kiss.
"Of course. If he wants to be stolen," he says, soft and affectionate and only a little rueful, no matter how terrifying the thought of Gojyo not wanting to be stolen might be. "I think I can convince him. I just... wanted to let you know, that I planned to ask him."
Not because it's Jedao's responsibility to make anything work. It's not, but Hakkai--
Hakkai might want a little reassurance, even so. Goosebumps prickle under Jedao's fingertips, and he huffs a slight laugh, half-ticklish at the delicacy of the touch on his belly.
"How would he know if I'm a good person or not," Jedao mutters, still truculent.
"And if he doesn't want to let you convince him, I'll drag him home by his stupid pretty hair," Jedao grumbles. "I told you, I'm not scared anymore."
Not about that, not over Hakkai, his one solid place to stand. Hakkai, who promised to grow trees with him. "I want you to have him." He's Hakkai's family, as far as Jedao understands the word. He's supposed to be.
"Well, I'm not going to be all loving and noble about it. If he's stupid enough to think he shouldn't be happy with you, I'll. I'll dunk him in his own frog river until until he comes to his senses."
"A what?" Jedao asks, but at least he isn't sulking anymore, because Hakkai is laughing instead of smiling that too-steady sad-brittle smile of if he doesn't.
"Wait, then what did you mean about a frog river?"
Hakkai shakes his head, bewildered - but still more open, not going back to the braced-against-a-future-blow brittle smile he had been wearing.
"A kappa is a fairytale creature. A river spirit. They're supposed to be lecherous and grow water-weeds all around their head, so Goku started calling him that to make up for Gojyo calling him a monkey."
"He made a river in the enclosure one time," Jedao explains, finally standing up and towing Hakkai into the bedroom. "And I tagged along because I'm trying to friend seduce him, and there were frogs, and he taught me how to catch them."
"I think most people call that 'making friends,'" Hakkai teases, allowing himself to be towed along. Friend seducing, indeed.
"That must have been the river by our house," he adds, half to himself. It's a pretty place, but unlike Gojyo, he hadn't grown up near Chang'an. It's not the kind of place he'd go to, when he thinks of home.
"It definitely wouldn't," Hakkai says with immediate certainty, then pauses, blinking down at Jedao.
"How much can you change the way you look, now...?"
He'd assumed it was largely cosmetic - changing his scars, making himself look younger or older - but looking like a woman seems like a more profound shift.
"I think I have to conserve mass and volume? I don't know, I haven't really tried very hard."
He fidgets and looks down, vaguely embarrassed. He's been afraid, really. His identity is a delicate negotiation at the best of times, and he's not sure how much it would fray if he pushed on it. But he thinks -
"You've seen what I am, inside - underneath. Everything else is cosmetic."
Hakkai blinks again, considering that, then chuckles and kisses Jedao, slow and a little teasing.
"Well, you did tell me your species was technically hermaphroditic ages ago, I don't know why the idea of your looking like a woman surprised me. I love who you are no matter what you want to look like."
A brief pause. "But I still think Gojyo would have a hard time with you seducing him as a woman," he adds, with a secret little grin for Jedao before kissing him again.
Jedao gazes back up at him with a soft smile, reaching out a hand to trace his cheekbone, his jaw, his throat, all with light fingertips, just enjoying the shape of him, the permission.
Jedao laughs softly, part rueful at himself, part giggling ticklish delight at the kiss against his hand.
"I don't really mind if he doesn't ever go for me. You know what I'm like." As lecherous as Gojyo, at least, and it's not like he isn't pretty.
"The only thing I was ever - once he was here, the only thing I was jealous of was that he liked dinner." Jedao swallows. "That he could...give you that, appreciate what you wanted to give so much better. And now even that's fine."
"You appreciate a lot of things that I want to give you. He used to leave dinner on the table to get cold, when we were still getting to know each other, and he was out late at the bar or with women," Hakkai murmurs, kissing his way up the inside of Jedao's wrist with gentle care. "I almost left town over it. But it's not... it's not about the food. It's about whether you want and need me, whether I can-- give you as much as you give me, every day. He and I couldn't ever talk about that, really. You and I always have."
For a moment Jedao's mouth turns into a little 'o' of shocked outrage; he imagines grabbing Gojyo by the hair and shaking him like a naughty puppy.
"That's how I caught you, you know," Jedao points out, reaching to grip his hand in Hakkai's hair instead, not to hurt, but to let him feel the pressure, the not letting go. "Being so needy. And he wants to be needed, too. And he knows you have me. That's why he's so upset."
And Hakkai is trying very hard not to need him, to promise Jedao that he'll be okay either way, to be able to do the right thing if Gojyo doesn't want, as if that might be the problem.
"Even if you're set on being noble about it, maybe don't tell him that right away," Jedao advises, dryly.
"I know better than to tell him I don't need him. Unless I'm trying to hurt him," Hakkai confesses, his voice small. "But sometimes, I don't..."
He trails off entirely, for a long moment, resting his head against Jedao's hand, feeling the solidity of his grip.
"Sometimes, it's hard to believe that anyone in the universe but you needs me."
He has to tell himself it's all right, that they don't. That Eiffel had appreciated them, but not needed them, and it's all right that he was happy to go with Shaw and Neal. That if Gojyo doesn't want to be with Hakkai forever more than he wants his hometown, his friends, Sanzo and Goku down the street forever, that's all right too. He can't let himself need more than he can have.
Jedao pulls him down and rolls over him, so he can feel all Jedao's weight over him, not just the strength of his hand, kisses him deep and slow for a long time, lets the soft sounds of wanting each other be more important than words.
"You have me," he whispers at last, resting his forehead against Hakkai's, breath to breath, noses brushing. "You have me, and he doesn't, so you've got a better chance to be brave."
Hakkai kisses him back passionately, almost desperately, pliant under his weight. His hands settle to either side of Jedao's waist, slip up to his back to keep him close.
"I know," he whispers back, his gaze sliding away from Jedao's in shame. He's being selfish, to be so afraid of Gojyo's reaction.
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Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
And if Gojyo doesn't want to come with them, Hakkai has to know. He doesn't think he could bear it, if he made that offer at the last minute and Gojyo said sure, I'll visit sometime.
If he says no now, it might break Hakkai's heart a little even so, but... maybe, maybe. Maybe he can be honest and it won't end in rejection, not with Gojyo.
His hand keeps moving, petting Jedao's head lightly. "I know he likes Edwin. And you, even if he's mad about it." And Edwin is theirs: they've adopted him. Surely he'll come along.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
He wants it to be a huff of dubious exasperation, and he shoves as much of that into it as he can, snorting lightly.
"He does not like me, he thinks I'm an impenetrable schemer who is blatantly manipulating him with any available lonely children, which, to be fair, I did," Jedao argues. He slides one hand up under Hakkai's shirt, just - to be closer, to feel warm skin.
"Yes, Hakkai-shei, it's alright," he promises, softer. "Obviously we're going to steal him if we possibly can."
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"Of course. If he wants to be stolen," he says, soft and affectionate and only a little rueful, no matter how terrifying the thought of Gojyo not wanting to be stolen might be. "I think I can convince him. I just... wanted to let you know, that I planned to ask him."
Not because it's Jedao's responsibility to make anything work. It's not, but Hakkai--
Hakkai might want a little reassurance, even so. Goosebumps prickle under Jedao's fingertips, and he huffs a slight laugh, half-ticklish at the delicacy of the touch on his belly.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"And if he doesn't want to let you convince him, I'll drag him home by his stupid pretty hair," Jedao grumbles. "I told you, I'm not scared anymore."
Not about that, not over Hakkai, his one solid place to stand. Hakkai, who promised to grow trees with him. "I want you to have him." He's Hakkai's family, as far as Jedao understands the word. He's supposed to be.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"Anyway... I want him to do whatever makes him happy. I know I have you, no matter what happens. I'd like him to come with us, but you're all I need."
His grip on Jedao's shoulder tightens a little. No matter who else they lose-- they have each other. He's Jedao's first, as long as he lives.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
And then drag him home by his stupid pretty hair.
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"I love you so much," he manages breathlessly. "When did he tell you we call him a kappa?"
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Hakkai shakes his head, bewildered - but still more open, not going back to the braced-against-a-future-blow brittle smile he had been wearing.
"A kappa is a fairytale creature. A river spirit. They're supposed to be lecherous and grow water-weeds all around their head, so Goku started calling him that to make up for Gojyo calling him a monkey."
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"That must have been the river by our house," he adds, half to himself. It's a pretty place, but unlike Gojyo, he hadn't grown up near Chang'an. It's not the kind of place he'd go to, when he thinks of home.
The bamboo forest he'd showed Jedao is - closer.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
A thought pops into his head as he pulls Hakkai into bed and he stops short for a moment, lost in pondering it.
"...I could probably choose to look like a girl now. Would it help if I actually seduced him, do you think?"
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"How much can you change the way you look, now...?"
He'd assumed it was largely cosmetic - changing his scars, making himself look younger or older - but looking like a woman seems like a more profound shift.
Is he fully a shapeshifter now?
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
He fidgets and looks down, vaguely embarrassed. He's been afraid, really. His identity is a delicate negotiation at the best of times, and he's not sure how much it would fray if he pushed on it. But he thinks -
"You've seen what I am, inside - underneath. Everything else is cosmetic."
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"Well, you did tell me your species was technically hermaphroditic ages ago, I don't know why the idea of your looking like a woman surprised me. I love who you are no matter what you want to look like."
A brief pause. "But I still think Gojyo would have a hard time with you seducing him as a woman," he adds, with a secret little grin for Jedao before kissing him again.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"I mostly want to top him anyway," he mutters at last, relinquishing the idea.
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"If he's open to the idea," he says, "I call first dibs."
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"That sounds right," he agrees warmly.
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"But," he said lightly, "I do know how to share."
He thinks he might feel a little jealous of both of them, but so long as he doesn't feel as if he specifically is unwanted, that would be all right.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"I don't really mind if he doesn't ever go for me. You know what I'm like." As lecherous as Gojyo, at least, and it's not like he isn't pretty.
"The only thing I was ever - once he was here, the only thing I was jealous of was that he liked dinner." Jedao swallows. "That he could...give you that, appreciate what you wanted to give so much better. And now even that's fine."
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"That's how I caught you, you know," Jedao points out, reaching to grip his hand in Hakkai's hair instead, not to hurt, but to let him feel the pressure, the not letting go. "Being so needy. And he wants to be needed, too. And he knows you have me. That's why he's so upset."
And Hakkai is trying very hard not to need him, to promise Jedao that he'll be okay either way, to be able to do the right thing if Gojyo doesn't want, as if that might be the problem.
"Even if you're set on being noble about it, maybe don't tell him that right away," Jedao advises, dryly.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
He trails off entirely, for a long moment, resting his head against Jedao's hand, feeling the solidity of his grip.
"Sometimes, it's hard to believe that anyone in the universe but you needs me."
He has to tell himself it's all right, that they don't. That Eiffel had appreciated them, but not needed them, and it's all right that he was happy to go with Shaw and Neal. That if Gojyo doesn't want to be with Hakkai forever more than he wants his hometown, his friends, Sanzo and Goku down the street forever, that's all right too. He can't let himself need more than he can have.
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"You have me," he whispers at last, resting his forehead against Hakkai's, breath to breath, noses brushing. "You have me, and he doesn't, so you've got a better chance to be brave."
Re: the week after Eiffel leaves
"I know," he whispers back, his gaze sliding away from Jedao's in shame. He's being selfish, to be so afraid of Gojyo's reaction.
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