I didn't read Neal's file until he was almost graduated, because I promised I wouldn't unless he gave me permission. He felt... trusting me enough to tell me he wanted me to read it was how he graduated.
I... guess I accept your apology. It's the polite thing to do, right? Like pretending to enjoy hanging out with someone while you spend the whole time thinking about how deficient they are without your intervention. Do you.... understand the arrogance of that? I mean, how do you even consider it your place to fix anyone who's not assigned to you to fix? Who are you to decide they're the ones that need fixing?
I am the Ninefox Crowned With Eyes. I was born chained to the duty to fix a thousand years of horror. One gets in the habit.
[He does, at least, know that he's arrogant.]
Do you remember what you told me about the glitter prank, even before I tried to be friends? That if I had a problem with something you'd done, I should just say so. Neal said that, too. I wasn't trying to warden you. I was trying to be straightforward. But to you, it only felt like trying to fix you.
[He shakes his head.]
At this point, I don't think it really matters what I was trying to do. We're not compatible people. I've hurt you, and I'm sorry, and if I were you, I'd never forgive me. But I also don't like you or trust you. I don't know what else there is to say.
I think if you understand where you went wrong here, it might prevent you from hurting someone else this way. I know there's no salvaging anything here. I can't trust you again, either. But... for me... going through pain becomes tolerable if I can spare someone else the same or worse pain down the line.
It felt like trying to fix me, because you didn't tell me you had a problem and why it was a problem, so I could do something differently. You told me I was being a problem and prescribed how I should conduct myself to become a more tolerable person. I don't know if you can understand the difference, but... one of them collaborates with me as a peer and one of them... one of them is what anyone with mental disorders endures for their entire life: people not listening to them explain how they are or what they need in favour of telling them how they should be and what they should need. The latter robs a person's agency. I recognize that I'm not always capable of being eloquent when I'm chafing against it. Sometimes... I'm just angry and contrary about it. I struggle with emotional dysregulation. And that doesn't make me compatible with everyone, but it also doesn't make me a lower class of person than you.
Sometimes, Malcolm, dare I say often, when I told you what to do without an elaborate peer-to-peer consultation, it was because you were doing harm, and my first priority was to get you to fucking stop. Because I was in fact treating you like a fellow professional who didn't need his hand held, and not making either your agency or fixing you my priority.
I don't care that you have limitations, Malcolm. But it drives me up the fucking wall that you never seem to factor in any awareness of their existence into your assessments. "Oh, hm, maybe I'll listen first and ask for context second, since I know I struggle with this." No. Everyone has to prioritize your right to feel like a respected colleague above anything else going on.
And sometimes, you didn't get an explanation of why because you didn't have a right to that explanation. Sometimes, when you hurt people, you aren't entitled to the vulnerable, intimate details of their pain that would make sense of why they're reacting badly. Sometimes you just have to listen when they or I or anyone tells you they aren't saying stop because they don't trust you to listen. But no, you've got to understand, no one is ever allowed to just tell you to stop fucking up, because it's all about you and your damage.
Oh. Okay. Sorry. I offered you honesty and vulnerability because I thought we were going to close this chapter with understanding and walk away like that. But it’s back to why you know better than everyone and are the only one who can gauge “damage” and are the only one that knows how to deal with it. You decided at some point that you hate me because you’re right and I’m wrong and I somehow refuse to bow to that, despite the fact that you’re always right and understand everything about everyone and I understand nothing. You have the only valid point of view and I’ve refused to acknowledge that. Which is honestly the polar opposite of “we’re just not compatible”. I’m not allowed to know the whys of things because I should concede that you knowing is enough and trust that.
In that case? I don’t accept your apology, because you don’t mean it. You did harm here because, by the time it came to that, you were petty grudging so hard at my refusal to bow to your superior knowledge and skill at People that you didn’t care if you salted the Earth. You wanted to spank me on the way out. But you know what? You never once in all this time gave me a reason to trust you and your knowledge and your assessment of anything. You didn’t take the time to build trust in your knowledge with me. I could say fuck you, too, but I’m not feeling it. I’m just sad about it. About how there’s no middle ground for you to meet people in. You can only get along with them if they acknowledge your superiority. You’re a snob and I’ve had enough of those in my life.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I... guess I accept your apology. It's the polite thing to do, right? Like pretending to enjoy hanging out with someone while you spend the whole time thinking about how deficient they are without your intervention. Do you.... understand the arrogance of that? I mean, how do you even consider it your place to fix anyone who's not assigned to you to fix? Who are you to decide they're the ones that need fixing?
no subject
[He does, at least, know that he's arrogant.]
Do you remember what you told me about the glitter prank, even before I tried to be friends? That if I had a problem with something you'd done, I should just say so. Neal said that, too. I wasn't trying to warden you. I was trying to be straightforward. But to you, it only felt like trying to fix you.
[He shakes his head.]
At this point, I don't think it really matters what I was trying to do. We're not compatible people. I've hurt you, and I'm sorry, and if I were you, I'd never forgive me. But I also don't like you or trust you. I don't know what else there is to say.
no subject
It felt like trying to fix me, because you didn't tell me you had a problem and why it was a problem, so I could do something differently. You told me I was being a problem and prescribed how I should conduct myself to become a more tolerable person. I don't know if you can understand the difference, but... one of them collaborates with me as a peer and one of them... one of them is what anyone with mental disorders endures for their entire life: people not listening to them explain how they are or what they need in favour of telling them how they should be and what they should need. The latter robs a person's agency. I recognize that I'm not always capable of being eloquent when I'm chafing against it. Sometimes... I'm just angry and contrary about it. I struggle with emotional dysregulation. And that doesn't make me compatible with everyone, but it also doesn't make me a lower class of person than you.
no subject
I don't care that you have limitations, Malcolm. But it drives me up the fucking wall that you never seem to factor in any awareness of their existence into your assessments. "Oh, hm, maybe I'll listen first and ask for context second, since I know I struggle with this." No. Everyone has to prioritize your right to feel like a respected colleague above anything else going on.
And sometimes, you didn't get an explanation of why because you didn't have a right to that explanation. Sometimes, when you hurt people, you aren't entitled to the vulnerable, intimate details of their pain that would make sense of why they're reacting badly. Sometimes you just have to listen when they or I or anyone tells you they aren't saying stop because they don't trust you to listen. But no, you've got to understand, no one is ever allowed to just tell you to stop fucking up, because it's all about you and your damage.
Fuck off.
no subject
In that case? I don’t accept your apology, because you don’t mean it. You did harm here because, by the time it came to that, you were petty grudging so hard at my refusal to bow to your superior knowledge and skill at People that you didn’t care if you salted the Earth. You wanted to spank me on the way out. But you know what? You never once in all this time gave me a reason to trust you and your knowledge and your assessment of anything. You didn’t take the time to build trust in your knowledge with me. I could say fuck you, too, but I’m not feeling it. I’m just sad about it. About how there’s no middle ground for you to meet people in. You can only get along with them if they acknowledge your superiority. You’re a snob and I’ve had enough of those in my life.