Jedao is a brilliant, insightful person, Hakkai reflects, but sometimes his feelings can really get in the way of that.
He shifts a little, settling his knee against Jedao's in silent reassurance: steady and warm.
"He's willing to try because he feels like an asshole for treating you the way he has, but he doesn't know where to start and doesn't want to lose face by being the first to back down," he corrects. "You do know that he has to acknowledge you exist regardless."
Hakkai certainly won't pretend that he doesn't. He has certain lines he won't cross.
Jedao makes a face like he used to make when forcing down food, just for a few seconds.
Does he really, he thinks, which is an assumption, which is stupid, Hakkai knows him far better. Except Hakkai knows the version of him that cares about people. What's changed then, he wants to ask, and has to viciously crush a pathetic little rush of memory of tagging along after him, thinking the world of him, apples and head pats. Galahad probably didn't even like Jed, of course he had to put up with him, let alone carrying any emotion out of the breach.
Are you asking me to back down first, he thinks, and doesn't say, because clearly the answer is yes, and Jedao wants to be able to do it but even the thought makes him feel like he's about to freeze solid, or maybe explode.
"Him feeling guilty isn't actually going to make me any more palatable to him," he points out levelly. "He's going to show up, and try to tolerate me, and then fail, because I'm still -" Jedao huffs, waves his stylus broadly. He's still the intrusion. "And then be more angry with me because if he can convince himself it's my fault for being too cold or too flippant or trying too hard or not trying enough or not apologizing first or making him look bad by apologizing first or whatever he thinks I'm doing, if it's my fault then he doesn't have to feel guilty anymore."
He swallows hard, puts the stylus away, turns off the slate, then just stares down at the black slab of it.
"He's always welcome," Jedao says again. It's not even wooden; just quiet. "If you want me to be here, I'll be here. On my best behavior."
"I don't want you to feel like you have to be the one to be gracious to him, either," Hakkai says, and reaches out to catch Jedao's hand in his own, leaving the knitting needles loosely hooked in the blanket he's working on.
"That's why I'm asking you both to do this. So I can be the one to make the first move, and you don't have to. I don't--
"I don't think either of you need to apologize. I just want you to see each other. I'm not as good at this as Goku is, but I want to help. Because, like this..."
I was being good, Jedao wants to yell. He wants to throw something. I was leaving him alone. But he can't be good, is the thing. He hurts Gojyo even doing nothing at all.
He doesn't want to see me, Jedao doesn't say. He's already said it; Hakkai wants him to try again anyway. I want him to apologize, he doesn't say. Which is stupid on half a dozen different levels. Gojyo has no idea that his perfectly reasonable rejection hurt Jedao, and Jedao certainly has no reason to tell him.
It's hurting both of them, and Gojyo can't do it. So: Jedao is going to apologize, even though he fully expects it to blow up in his face. It's fine. It's fine, he can do it. He doesn't have to trust Gojyo if he expects to be humiliated going in, if he takes that as the price of admission.
Jedao holds Hakkai's hand and doesn't breathe. It sounds awkward when he finally has to inhale in order to speak.
"I've already said yes. What do you want me to do?"
Jedao is hurting, even when he's doing nothing at all. And Hakkai hadn't seen quite how badly he was hurting until he'd asked like this: but the fracture lines are there in clear relief now, and Hakkai's grip goes protectively tighter.
"... I just want you to be yourself. You don't have to be on your best behavior," he says, low, and squeezes Jedao's hand. "But you should do what you need to, to feel all right. Just.
"Trust me? I... want to take care of you." Both of them: he'd started things off wrong, he's responsible, and Gojyo and Jedao are both beating themselves up over it because they're both very good at taking all the blame.
Maybe this will help: he doesn't know. He desperately hopes it won't make things worse.
It had been fine, when he could crush it into nothing and give up. Basically fine. A bitter disappointment, ragged, numb, but he'd known what to do and he could just do it and move on, focus on other things, accept the fact that Gojyo would never like him just like billions of others.
Holding onto that resigned calm is harder if he has to - he still doesn't even know what Hakkai is asking him to do. Play chums, but not too much. Let Gojyo see him, since he's been grudgingly brought to the point of possibly taking a look. He's so tired of letting Gojyo see him being himself just so he can find new things to object to.
For a brief, vivid moment, he badly misses Dhanneth, who would have just skinned him with a knife.
Poker, drinks. He can play poker. He can drink.
"I do trust you," he promises softly. "I just don't trust him." He leans, slowly, softly, into Hakkai's shoulder, and lets out a gentle breath.
"I'm not asking you to trust him," Hakkai promises. "I'm not even asking you to talk about anything painful or important. Just -- do something small and simple together, and see how it goes."
If they get drunk enough, they might talk about something important, but going in with expectations feels like too much.
He leans his head back on top of Jedao's, gentle, and adds, "I know it's a lot to ask. Should we have a signal if you desperately need to leave the conversation, so that I can cover for you?"
It's going to go bad, he doesn't say. If Hakkai isn't asking him to trust that Gojyo won't find some other thing wrong with Jedao, then what he's asking is for Jedao to just...accept that he's maybe-probably going to do that.
Jedao does think about the offer of an escape.
"He isn't subtle. When he wants me to go, I'll just go," Jedao says flatly. "And you're being cruel, now. How many times are you going to make me say yes?"
Hakkai is silent for a moment, turning that over in his head.
You can't need me to like it, he remembers Jedao saying, years ago now, when he'd let Hakkai make food for him before he could taste it like a human could. What he wants to say now is that he wants Jedao to trust that Hakkai will protect him, even if he doesn't trust that Gojyo won't react badly to something, but--
-- but what Jedao's saying is that he's so raw that Hakkai can't make him feel safe, no matter what. The best Hakkai can ask for is Jedao to agree to let Gojyo hurt him, even if that isn't what happens in the end.
At last, quiet, he says, "All right. That's all. ... The day after tomorrow, after dinner?"
The sooner, the better. But he has to ask Gojyo about it first.
Hakkai can tell Gojyo not to be an ass, even though Jedao would literally rather jump out the window and crawl over the side of the ship in the void than make Hakkai feel like he needs to throw Gojyo out of their home.
(The prospect of possibly having an excuse to do the stupid dramatic thing he's wanted to do ever since Misty turned down his offer to help her steal Pagan's body is a small cheering thought amid the congealing dread. He needs to ask the Admiral for a window. Really, he should have done that ages ago.)
What Hakkai can't do is make Gojyo like him. And he's so tired of having his nose rubbed in how much Gojyo can't stand him.
"Okay," Jedao agrees. He turns to give Hakkai a quick kiss on the cheek, then nestles down to half-hug, half cling to him, letting himself be pathetic for a few seconds. But he feels a little steadier with the plan set. "What kind of alcohol does he like?" Jedao isn't serving him any of the New York bottles from his own stash.
Hakkai curls an arm around Jedao's shoulders, holding him protectively close.
"Oh -- I was thinking cheap and strong. I could get some bottles of vodka from the Lounge."
Jedao likes vodka, and while Gojyo likes beer for friendly drinking Hakkai is of the strong impression that what he's going to want most out of the beverage on offer is "highly alcoholic."
"Maybe one of whisky," he adds, more fairly, because he knows Gojyo does prefer that when he drinks something strong.
"Three bottles of vodka, one of whisky," Hakkai says thoughtfully, after a few mental calculations. That's probably enough to get all of them drunk if things go terribly south. Jedao and Gojyo, at least.
"I won't," Hakkai promises, leaning over to press a kiss against the crown of Jedao's head. "Just a few plates of things to help balance out the alcohol."
He's not as stressed this time as he's been before. Worried for Jedao, but -- it feels much less unpredictable. He's spoken with Gojyo enough to know that he's grumpy about the situation, but feeling guilty about it in equal measure, and Hakkai thinks that should be enough to make him open up. Hopefully.
It's going to go bad, probably, there's no real pressure on the preparations because perfect preparation can't save it. Instead Jedao can just do them well for their own sake, which is a comforting thing to focus on.
"Okay," Hakkai agrees, squeezes Jedao's hand, and-- just stays where he is, for a long moment, curled protectively around him with his cheek against Jedao's hair.
Maybe it will go bad, but Hakkai wouldn't have suggested it if he didn't think it was more likely to be okay, and -- well, to take advantage of Gojyo feeling guilty before the two of them had fully solidified into pretending-the-other-doesn't-exist. It's a chance, he thinks, that's worth taking.
He hopes he's not going to end up hurting either of them by insisting on it.
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He shifts a little, settling his knee against Jedao's in silent reassurance: steady and warm.
"He's willing to try because he feels like an asshole for treating you the way he has, but he doesn't know where to start and doesn't want to lose face by being the first to back down," he corrects. "You do know that he has to acknowledge you exist regardless."
Hakkai certainly won't pretend that he doesn't. He has certain lines he won't cross.
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Does he really, he thinks, which is an assumption, which is stupid, Hakkai knows him far better. Except Hakkai knows the version of him that cares about people. What's changed then, he wants to ask, and has to viciously crush a pathetic little rush of memory of tagging along after him, thinking the world of him, apples and head pats. Galahad probably didn't even like Jed, of course he had to put up with him, let alone carrying any emotion out of the breach.
Are you asking me to back down first, he thinks, and doesn't say, because clearly the answer is yes, and Jedao wants to be able to do it but even the thought makes him feel like he's about to freeze solid, or maybe explode.
"Him feeling guilty isn't actually going to make me any more palatable to him," he points out levelly. "He's going to show up, and try to tolerate me, and then fail, because I'm still -" Jedao huffs, waves his stylus broadly. He's still the intrusion. "And then be more angry with me because if he can convince himself it's my fault for being too cold or too flippant or trying too hard or not trying enough or not apologizing first or making him look bad by apologizing first or whatever he thinks I'm doing, if it's my fault then he doesn't have to feel guilty anymore."
He swallows hard, puts the stylus away, turns off the slate, then just stares down at the black slab of it.
"He's always welcome," Jedao says again. It's not even wooden; just quiet. "If you want me to be here, I'll be here. On my best behavior."
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"That's why I'm asking you both to do this. So I can be the one to make the first move, and you don't have to. I don't--
"I don't think either of you need to apologize. I just want you to see each other. I'm not as good at this as Goku is, but I want to help. Because, like this..."
He squeezes Jedao's hand, gently.
"It's hurting both of you. I don't like that."
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He doesn't want to see me, Jedao doesn't say. He's already said it; Hakkai wants him to try again anyway. I want him to apologize, he doesn't say. Which is stupid on half a dozen different levels. Gojyo has no idea that his perfectly reasonable rejection hurt Jedao, and Jedao certainly has no reason to tell him.
It's hurting both of them, and Gojyo can't do it. So: Jedao is going to apologize, even though he fully expects it to blow up in his face. It's fine. It's fine, he can do it. He doesn't have to trust Gojyo if he expects to be humiliated going in, if he takes that as the price of admission.
Jedao holds Hakkai's hand and doesn't breathe. It sounds awkward when he finally has to inhale in order to speak.
"I've already said yes. What do you want me to do?"
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"... I just want you to be yourself. You don't have to be on your best behavior," he says, low, and squeezes Jedao's hand. "But you should do what you need to, to feel all right. Just.
"Trust me? I... want to take care of you." Both of them: he'd started things off wrong, he's responsible, and Gojyo and Jedao are both beating themselves up over it because they're both very good at taking all the blame.
Maybe this will help: he doesn't know. He desperately hopes it won't make things worse.
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Holding onto that resigned calm is harder if he has to - he still doesn't even know what Hakkai is asking him to do. Play chums, but not too much. Let Gojyo see him, since he's been grudgingly brought to the point of possibly taking a look. He's so tired of letting Gojyo see him being himself just so he can find new things to object to.
For a brief, vivid moment, he badly misses Dhanneth, who would have just skinned him with a knife.
Poker, drinks. He can play poker. He can drink.
"I do trust you," he promises softly. "I just don't trust him." He leans, slowly, softly, into Hakkai's shoulder, and lets out a gentle breath.
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If they get drunk enough, they might talk about something important, but going in with expectations feels like too much.
He leans his head back on top of Jedao's, gentle, and adds, "I know it's a lot to ask. Should we have a signal if you desperately need to leave the conversation, so that I can cover for you?"
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Jedao does think about the offer of an escape.
"He isn't subtle. When he wants me to go, I'll just go," Jedao says flatly. "And you're being cruel, now. How many times are you going to make me say yes?"
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You can't need me to like it, he remembers Jedao saying, years ago now, when he'd let Hakkai make food for him before he could taste it like a human could. What he wants to say now is that he wants Jedao to trust that Hakkai will protect him, even if he doesn't trust that Gojyo won't react badly to something, but--
-- but what Jedao's saying is that he's so raw that Hakkai can't make him feel safe, no matter what. The best Hakkai can ask for is Jedao to agree to let Gojyo hurt him, even if that isn't what happens in the end.
At last, quiet, he says, "All right. That's all. ... The day after tomorrow, after dinner?"
The sooner, the better. But he has to ask Gojyo about it first.
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(The prospect of possibly having an excuse to do the stupid dramatic thing he's wanted to do ever since Misty turned down his offer to help her steal Pagan's body is a small cheering thought amid the congealing dread. He needs to ask the Admiral for a window. Really, he should have done that ages ago.)
What Hakkai can't do is make Gojyo like him. And he's so tired of having his nose rubbed in how much Gojyo can't stand him.
"Okay," Jedao agrees. He turns to give Hakkai a quick kiss on the cheek, then nestles down to half-hug, half cling to him, letting himself be pathetic for a few seconds. But he feels a little steadier with the plan set. "What kind of alcohol does he like?" Jedao isn't serving him any of the New York bottles from his own stash.
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"Oh -- I was thinking cheap and strong. I could get some bottles of vodka from the Lounge."
Jedao likes vodka, and while Gojyo likes beer for friendly drinking Hakkai is of the strong impression that what he's going to want most out of the beverage on offer is "highly alcoholic."
"Maybe one of whisky," he adds, more fairly, because he knows Gojyo does prefer that when he drinks something strong.
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Please give him a logistic.
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"... and I'll make snacks."
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He's not as stressed this time as he's been before. Worried for Jedao, but -- it feels much less unpredictable. He's spoken with Gojyo enough to know that he's grumpy about the situation, but feeling guilty about it in equal measure, and Hakkai thinks that should be enough to make him open up. Hopefully.
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It's going to go bad, probably, there's no real pressure on the preparations because perfect preparation can't save it. Instead Jedao can just do them well for their own sake, which is a comforting thing to focus on.
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Maybe it will go bad, but Hakkai wouldn't have suggested it if he didn't think it was more likely to be okay, and -- well, to take advantage of Gojyo feeling guilty before the two of them had fully solidified into pretending-the-other-doesn't-exist. It's a chance, he thinks, that's worth taking.
He hopes he's not going to end up hurting either of them by insisting on it.