"To be fair, I don't think he finds me charming at all," Jedao muses dryly. "And he wasn't trying to be cruel. I was trying very hard not to let him see what a rabid loon I was about it all, so he can't be blamed for not noticing."
But it did feel cruel, that trying his best kept being treated as fake and manipulative, instead of the honest desperation it was.
"And it's hard to know when being a rabid loon about something is the right play," he muses. "Even harder to actually act on it. And being the thorn in the side of someone's existing expectations is..."
He takes a breath and sighs. "Well, I can certainly understand why people hated it when I did it."
And maybe if he never brings it up again, Arthur will carry on in his existing impression that the marriage only bothered him because he was upset about unrelated things, and carry that lie back to John for him with perfect sincerity.
He hums again, and tightens his hug so he can press another light kiss to Jedao's hair.
"I'm sorry," he says, plain and simple. "I know you go out of your way to hide things, but... still. I should know you well enough to check occasionally."
"I wasn't hiding it exactly," he mumbles, sighing a little as he leans more into Arthur's side. "But it's not something I can dump on Hakkai because this is hard enough for him already. And I don't want to...deprive my warden friends of being friends with him and I don't want my inmate friends to stab him."
Simplified, but accurate to a first approximation.
"And I just feel..." A breath shudders out of him. "If feels very stupid and juvenile, you know? Being so upset that someone doesn't like me, like I'm not a notorious interplanetary bogeyman back where I came from. Nobody is obligated to like me. I'm an adult, I can deal with that. Only he's family, so I feel obligated to try. And I'm a competitive bitch and I hate failing this much."
He gives a soft scoff despite himself. "Trust me, you don't have to love your family. The very first crime in the whole fucking Bible is fratricide, it's practically built in to Earth society." He takes a breath, and lets it out in a long sigh. "We tell ourselves we're supposed to, certainly. Family is meant to stick together. But-- you know, just- sometimes..."
He shrugs, making a face. "Fuck that for a laugh."
"I don't mean it morally. I killed the closest thing to family I had when I was two months old," Jedao mutters. "And it was the most moral thing I've ever done. But Gojyo isn't...like that. Hakkai loves him, and he loves Hakkai too, even if it takes him another five Earth years to admit it. I can't be the reason he's not in Hakkai's life, even if he never gives me a chance. I can't -" I can't bear that, he wants to say, melodramatically, romantically. But he knows he can bear quite a lot.
And it's fucking hard, to stop himself there. Sheehan had told him off before, just mildly, for trying to push for a solve instead of just being there to listen. But if he wants to do right by his friends, it means fucking listening to the echo of his husband's advice, and not treating his overly calculating friend like he hadn't already tried every single angle.
"I'm... I'm glad that you felt able to talk to me about all this," he says instead, with another soft squeeze. "So. Thank you. For trusting me with all this."
Not just the information, but the vulnerability. Baring weaknesses to him and risking, even especially with Arthur, the threat of venomous fangs.
"I do trust you," he says simply. "Thank you for asking."
It's a relief, even if he's pretty sure he has scuttled Arthur's and Gojyo's chances of being friends. Arthur asked, so it isn't his fault, isn't him being greedy, turning people against Gojyo just so feels less alone. Even if he did it just the same -
Arthur asked, and that has to be okay, for him to accept support when it's offered, and it's a relief to have the decision taken away from him, instead of gnawing anxiously on who to ask, or whether to keep it to himself after all.
It's lucky that Arthur has no reason to seek Gojyo out to give him a piece of his mind directly, but Jedao's so convinced that the man disliking him is his own fault that he doesn't feel compelled to add to it immediately. Though that's not to say he'll hold his tongue if Gojyo starts anything with him.
"And- thank you for letting me check in with you about John," he adds as well. "I know I'm not... at my best, at being impartial when he's upset."
Back into the shoals it is. Can he navigate this without letting anything else slip?
(Should he? The reflexive caution brushes up against the immediacy of reassurances and gratitude, the plain earnest gift of a friend he can confide in, and the cognitive dissonance is - well. Noticeable. He notices it.)
"You were very gracious about it," Jedao replies, not too slowly, even though he chooses his words carefully. "And it was rather all my fault this time anyway." No impartiality required.
"It's not anyone's fault, Jedao, that's why I'm here asking you instead of- of soundly chewing you out for upsetting John," he says. "You're allowed to be upset, and it certainly sounds at this point like it's well justified. John just happened to be some final straw."
Jedao looks away, his mouth pinching like a draw-string purse being scrunched closed.
That's ever so for the permission, he thinks dourly, and don't do me any favors. But it is his fault, of course, and John is upset, and Arthur has every right to chew him out without Jedao being unnecessarily petulant about things on top.
Jedao - locks it all down, squeezes, freezes. Like he could turn all his wrong selfish feelings into little pebbles and pack them up somewhere. Wipe himself clean like a marble countertop.
A push too far, then. His face pinches a little, more with guilt than frustration, but he tries to let it go.
"Confused, more than upset. He feels... misunderstood, about what you think marriage means to him. He thinks that you're pinning a label onto him that he doesn't fully understand or believe in, but he also knows that's not who you are, and the discrepancy there is what's upsetting him the most. Especially when to him this doesn't mean neglecting or prioritising anyone differently."
"I don't know what it means to him," Jedao repeats. Just like he'd said the first time Arthur asked. "He's the one who's gone and decided he wants an extremely loaded intercultural label, possibly permanently, even though he doesn't even like having the same face permanently. I'm not pinning shit on him," he adds, indignantly. John's gone and labeled himself, despite not liking labels at all normally. So Jedao is disoriented, but he can take on the new data. John's always been full of love; of course husband is the one label he wants.
"And it doesn't matter what I think it means or whether I have a working theory or not. This marriage isn't for me, and it isn't about me, and it's not my fucking business! It's my job to be happy for my friend, not to interrogate him, and I know I'm being a greedy, immature, hypocritical baby about this, okay, you don't have to chew me out because I know I'm failing him, but I'm fucking working on it, alright? I'm going to be happy for him. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just not good enough yet."
He's gone from aggravation to tears so fast that he feels like his whole skin is hot and tight with the humiliation of it; his throat is so tight he keeps lurching off-and-on with his breathing. He's supposed to be happy, and he's going to force himself to be happy, and then John won't have to be confused and disappointed that he's reacting wrong.
He doesn't interrupt him, but he does shift around, letting go of Jedao only enough that he can shift onto his knees in the stony mud and wrap both arms around him, pulling Jedao once more into the safety of a tight hug.
His breath lurches again, a raw gasp; he has his arms pulled in tight against his chest, everything about him pulled in tight, like if he wrapped himself up with twine he could carve off the bad parts of himself like a butcher trimming fat from a haunch. Like if he holds the wrong feelings in long enough, hard enough, they'll sink to the center of him and never be seen again, like the iron of a planetary core.
"I'm sorry," he whisper-gasps, in a small, squashed voice, pressed out against Arthur's shoulder like piece of dough rolled flat, like a dried flower crushed between book pages. "I'm not. Being the person I want to be. Right now. He deserves better. But I'm working on it. I'll get there, I promise."
Except the more he lets himself hurt, the farther away it feels, the proper loving joy he's supposed to feel, the worse he is. Only he can't seem to stop the way his voice cracks, or the tears dripping down his face, or the desperate, needy way the lump of him leans into the embrace.
Arthur's arm is right around Jedao's back, rubbing along his ribs, and his left hand sinks into the soft buzz of Jedao's hair; he can't help himself from giving a few quiet shushes, gentle and (hopefully) soothing as he lets Jedao crumple into his chest.
A sturdy trunk of empathy and compassion for the frazzled moth to shelter in.
"You don't need to be anything, Jedao," he murmurs, tucking his chin on Jedao's head. "Not sorry, not anyone else. John loves you as you are, right now, and so do I. And if he heard any of this he'd forgive you without hesitation. You're allowed to be messy with him." Another soft press of a kiss, another squeeze that makes his own weathered joints creak. "A-and I know, how hard it is, to show it, but... he'd rather see this, than not understand why you're pulling away."
"He wouldn't have to forgive me if I could just stop doing the wrong thing," Jedao gurgle-growls. "And I was quite clear about needing some time to get over myself," he adds, a tight bitter little grumble, even though his whole body is still crunched-in and taut, like he's holding the lever on a grenade with a pulled pin, and also he is the grenade.
"I don't want to be messy." A little plaintive, in the way that could almost have a toddler foot-stomp to go with it, I Don't Want! But what he wants, desperately, is to be better, mature, correct, adult.
"I don't want to be messy on his engagement. Just because it's allowed doesn't mean it isn't selfish and rude. I want to be good." He chokes on the words, and is grateful for it; better choking than howling.
He hums in quiet acknowledgement, but he's quiet for a few moments afterwards.
"...when John got his deal," he says. "I was... an absolute nightmare. I was- furious with him, a-and myself, and vicious, and- b-because I didn't think that I... deserved for him to use it on me. To bring Faroe and Parker back. I damn well nearly ruined what should have been one of John's happiest fucking days on the Barge, because I was a mess."
He scrapes lightly against Jedao's scalp, three nails and the jarring texture change of the twig. "Being messy is only a problem if nothing is done to clean up the mess when it affects other people. And I know John would love nothing more than to wrap you up and assure that it's alright to be a mess with him. He'd prefer it, in fact," he says, a little lighter. "That way you can both be messy, together."
"It was a lot to spring on you," Jedao mutters, loyally. And it was actually about Arthur, which he does feel is relevant.
"And it won't affect other people if I clean it up," he adds with a small huff. "Don't - be patronizing. There is something he would love more, which is if I was just happy for him, like I fucking should be!"
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Re: A few days after John's announcement
But it did feel cruel, that trying his best kept being treated as fake and manipulative, instead of the honest desperation it was.
Re: A few days after John's announcement
He takes a breath and sighs. "Well, I can certainly understand why people hated it when I did it."
Re: A few days after John's announcement
And maybe if he never brings it up again, Arthur will carry on in his existing impression that the marriage only bothered him because he was upset about unrelated things, and carry that lie back to John for him with perfect sincerity.
Re: A few days after John's announcement
"I'm sorry," he says, plain and simple. "I know you go out of your way to hide things, but... still. I should know you well enough to check occasionally."
Re: A few days after John's announcement
Simplified, but accurate to a first approximation.
"And I just feel..." A breath shudders out of him. "If feels very stupid and juvenile, you know? Being so upset that someone doesn't like me, like I'm not a notorious interplanetary bogeyman back where I came from. Nobody is obligated to like me. I'm an adult, I can deal with that. Only he's family, so I feel obligated to try. And I'm a competitive bitch and I hate failing this much."
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He shrugs, making a face. "Fuck that for a laugh."
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"I don't want that," he says instead, quieter.
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And it's fucking hard, to stop himself there. Sheehan had told him off before, just mildly, for trying to push for a solve instead of just being there to listen. But if he wants to do right by his friends, it means fucking listening to the echo of his husband's advice, and not treating his overly calculating friend like he hadn't already tried every single angle.
"I'm... I'm glad that you felt able to talk to me about all this," he says instead, with another soft squeeze. "So. Thank you. For trusting me with all this."
Not just the information, but the vulnerability. Baring weaknesses to him and risking, even
especiallywith Arthur, the threat of venomous fangs.Re: A few days after John's announcement
It's a relief, even if he's pretty sure he has scuttled Arthur's and Gojyo's chances of being friends. Arthur asked, so it isn't his fault, isn't him being greedy, turning people against Gojyo just so feels less alone. Even if he did it just the same -
Arthur asked, and that has to be okay, for him to accept support when it's offered, and it's a relief to have the decision taken away from him, instead of gnawing anxiously on who to ask, or whether to keep it to himself after all.
Re: A few days after John's announcement
"And- thank you for letting me check in with you about John," he adds as well. "I know I'm not... at my best, at being impartial when he's upset."
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(Should he? The reflexive caution brushes up against the immediacy of reassurances and gratitude, the plain earnest gift of a friend he can confide in, and the cognitive dissonance is - well. Noticeable. He notices it.)
"You were very gracious about it," Jedao replies, not too slowly, even though he chooses his words carefully. "And it was rather all my fault this time anyway." No impartiality required.
Re: A few days after John's announcement
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That's ever so for the permission, he thinks dourly, and don't do me any favors. But it is his fault, of course, and John is upset, and Arthur has every right to chew him out without Jedao being unnecessarily petulant about things on top.
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"Well if you're going to make a face about it, you might as well say whatever you're thinking to mine," he comments tartly.
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"How upset is he?" he asks quietly.
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"Confused, more than upset. He feels... misunderstood, about what you think marriage means to him. He thinks that you're pinning a label onto him that he doesn't fully understand or believe in, but he also knows that's not who you are, and the discrepancy there is what's upsetting him the most. Especially when to him this doesn't mean neglecting or prioritising anyone differently."
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"Well, I'm confused too," Jedao says finally, and it sounds stupid and sulky even to his own ears, for all that it also comes out raw, voice creaking.
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"And it doesn't matter what I think it means or whether I have a working theory or not. This marriage isn't for me, and it isn't about me, and it's not my fucking business! It's my job to be happy for my friend, not to interrogate him, and I know I'm being a greedy, immature, hypocritical baby about this, okay, you don't have to chew me out because I know I'm failing him, but I'm fucking working on it, alright? I'm going to be happy for him. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just not good enough yet."
He's gone from aggravation to tears so fast that he feels like his whole skin is hot and tight with the humiliation of it; his throat is so tight he keeps lurching off-and-on with his breathing. He's supposed to be happy, and he's going to force himself to be happy, and then John won't have to be confused and disappointed that he's reacting wrong.
Re: A few days after John's announcement
He doesn't interrupt him, but he does shift around, letting go of Jedao only enough that he can shift onto his knees in the stony mud and wrap both arms around him, pulling Jedao once more into the safety of a tight hug.
Re: A few days after John's announcement
"I'm sorry," he whisper-gasps, in a small, squashed voice, pressed out against Arthur's shoulder like piece of dough rolled flat, like a dried flower crushed between book pages. "I'm not. Being the person I want to be. Right now. He deserves better. But I'm working on it. I'll get there, I promise."
Except the more he lets himself hurt, the farther away it feels, the proper loving joy he's supposed to feel, the worse he is. Only he can't seem to stop the way his voice cracks, or the tears dripping down his face, or the desperate, needy way the lump of him leans into the embrace.
Re: A few days after John's announcement
A sturdy trunk of empathy and compassion for the frazzled moth to shelter in.
"You don't need to be anything, Jedao," he murmurs, tucking his chin on Jedao's head. "Not sorry, not anyone else. John loves you as you are, right now, and so do I. And if he heard any of this he'd forgive you without hesitation. You're allowed to be messy with him." Another soft press of a kiss, another squeeze that makes his own weathered joints creak. "A-and I know, how hard it is, to show it, but... he'd rather see this, than not understand why you're pulling away."
Re: A few days after John's announcement
"I don't want to be messy." A little plaintive, in the way that could almost have a toddler foot-stomp to go with it, I Don't Want! But what he wants, desperately, is to be better, mature, correct, adult.
"I don't want to be messy on his engagement. Just because it's allowed doesn't mean it isn't selfish and rude. I want to be good." He chokes on the words, and is grateful for it; better choking than howling.
Re: A few days after John's announcement
"...when John got his deal," he says. "I was... an absolute nightmare. I was- furious with him, a-and myself, and vicious, and- b-because I didn't think that I... deserved for him to use it on me. To bring Faroe and Parker back. I damn well nearly ruined what should have been one of John's happiest fucking days on the Barge, because I was a mess."
He scrapes lightly against Jedao's scalp, three nails and the jarring texture change of the twig. "Being messy is only a problem if nothing is done to clean up the mess when it affects other people. And I know John would love nothing more than to wrap you up and assure that it's alright to be a mess with him. He'd prefer it, in fact," he says, a little lighter. "That way you can both be messy, together."
Re: A few days after John's announcement
"And it won't affect other people if I clean it up," he adds with a small huff. "Don't - be patronizing. There is something he would love more, which is if I was just happy for him, like I fucking should be!"
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