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[deuceoftears]

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Re: [after the coma ends]

[deuceoftears]

Jedao swallows, and doesn't say, fuck.

It's not that he's scared of Gonou seeing them - Gonou knows the worst of the worst. But none of them have been pleasant.

"What happened?"

Re: [after the coma ends]

[reformedsinner]

"It was -- the rooms looked like this one. Were built like this one, but the furnishings were all different." The emotions, as he focuses on the memory, are overwhelming. Unlike his own: he grasps for precision and detail, floundering.

"Someone had an appointment. When," I, he stops himself from saying, "--you went in, he grabbed you and kissed you..."

Was that Dhanneth? The name fits the memory, and he's still for a long moment against Jedao's shoulder. He remembers the surge of hot desire, of temptation and distress, that goes with the memory of hands closing on his arms and a taller man bending to kiss him.

It is upsetting all out of proportion to its contents.

Re: [after the coma ends]

[deuceoftears]

"Only Dhanneth ever did that," Jedao whispers, in a hot rush of shame and sorrow, largely untempered by Norton's agreement with Gonou's initial insistence that Jedao, too, had been wronged. It doesn't fit, because he has that memory back, fresh and sore -

"- unless he wasn't?" Jedao adds, in a twisted-off squeak as panic starts to coil inside him.

Re: [after the coma ends]

[reformedsinner]

"No-- it was him," Gonou says, sure. "I remember thinking, what was Dhanneth's emblem--"

He's turning even as he speaks, sitting up further so he can pull Jedao into an embrace.

"I shouldn't have that." It's wrong. If the idea of seeing someone else's soul is intimate, having such an inside perspective on their worst memories is-- obscene. Unfair. Softly, he adds, "I'm sorry."

Re: [after the coma ends]

[deuceoftears]

"Well he didn't do it twice," Jedao protests, because if nothing else, he wouldn't have needed to be ambushed a second time. Jedao remembers how that went - how little resistance he offered once he let himself be convinced.

He swallows, wraps his arms around Gonou's waist and squeezes him tight for a moment. He doesn't mind Gonou knowing it, in ways he could never have brought himself to explain clearly. He wonders if horror will hit him later, when his brain can't fend off repulsion by focusing on the puzzle of it.

"Someone else had it. I already got it back." It doesn't make sense but then, it's a flood. They'd only ever been guessing at how it worked. "I'm sorry you have to - feel that one."

Re: [after the coma ends]

[reformedsinner]

"More than one person can get--" Gonou swallows in turn, shaking his head, and keeps his arms around Jedao, settling their foreheads together. "I'm glad I'm not stealing from you, then." Only sharing. It's still wrong, but-- less wrong, that way.

He takes a deep breath.

"I just won't think about it," he murmurs, half-wry, half sincere. "I don't..." Mind isn't right. Care is entirely wrong. "I don't like seeing so much, without you having any choice about it. I'm not going to be upset about the contents. You've told me about them, already. I still--"

More now, more acutely, thinking of the strength in Dhanneth's hands--

"-- think the same as I did before."

[deuceoftears]

Jedao lets out one quick rush of breath, body sagging only a tiny bit in relief.

"That's okay, then. I mean. It's okay with me." There's something a little brain-meltingly much about it; there's no air left, no shadows to hide in, no desperate clawing possibility scratching at his brain stem that Jedao just didn't explain it right, that he's been tricking Gonou in spite of himself.

[reformedsinner]

"I'm sorry that happened to you," Gonou says softly. "To both of you."

[deuceoftears]

He doesn't know how to respond; doubling down on his own guilt feels melodramatic and self-sabotaging. But even if he accepts that it's not his fault, not his greatest crime - then instead of monstrous he just feels sort of pathetic, that he'd been so lonely and needy that he was so easily swayed.

"We could probably take the memory away, if it bothers you to have. But we'd have to tell someone else, enough for them to help."

Nita, probably; he already has an idea of how her wizardry might mesh with the Glass Cannon schematics he's worked out so far. But he doesn't want to.

[reformedsinner]

"If you have it back already," Gonou says softly, "then I don't think I need to not have it that badly. Not unless you want me not to."

He falls silent for a moment, taking a breath, pulling himself back to practicalities.

"So it's your choice. It's your memory." And if they have to tell someone, he knows exactly how sensitive that memory is for Jedao.

[deuceoftears]

"You keep it, then," Jedao says in a soft rush. "I don't want to tell anyone else." He leans a little more into Gonou's arms, tension draining out of him. "It's okay if it's you. I want you to know me. And I couldn't ever tell it right even when I was trying to."

[reformedsinner]

"All right." His arms tighten. After a moment, with a hint of wryness, he adds, "I can't even describe it right, and it's not my memory to begin with. So I understand why that would be hard."

He gives the silence space for another breath, then adds, "Would you like tea? I think I want tea...."

(He isn't, though, actually letting go.)

[deuceoftears]

Jedao cups his cheek and kisses him leisurely, letting himself really feel that Gonou is back.

"I think you want to make me tea," Jedao interprets.

[reformedsinner]

Gonou returns the kiss, letting his eye slip closed: they're here now. They're together. The memories, difficult as they might be, are all in the past.

He makes a rueful little noise at Jedao's reinterpretation.

"I won't insist you have some," he says. "But I want to make tea. I think I've spent long enough in bed, and without even doing anything fun there--"

He brushes his knuckles along Jedao's jawline, then cups a hand over his cheek in turn, smiling.

"I need to get up and do something. But I don't want to be too far away from you while I do it. So, tea."

[deuceoftears]

"I like tea fine if it's not too strong. I don't just drink it to put other people at ease."

The warth is nice, and so is the smell, as long as it isn't enough to tip into actual flavor, which even puts it a half-step ahead of just drinking a cup of hot water like a weirdo, which is what he'd be tempted to do otherwise.

[reformedsinner]

"All right, then." Gonou steals another kiss, quick and light, before he disentangles himself in order to get out of bed. "I think you had some white teas in that cabinet..."

They're very delicate in flavor, which suits. He glances down at his pajamas, making a slight face: he feels far less disgusting than he should after a month in bed, but he still also wants a shower and freshly laundered clothes.

[deuceoftears]

"Mmmhm. Everything on the bottom two shelves I actually like. Top shelf is for guests."

Where he keeps Niath's aggressive fermented black teas, Mikodez's overloaded fruit and spice tisanes, and a suite of strong green teas for the 'companions' Mikodez used to sometimes send him. Between them, they cover most of the taste range for anyone who might visit now, so he's kept them all.

"Go start the kettle and I'll meet you in the shower?" Jedao offers, guessing what's behind that look.

[reformedsinner]

"I hope I don't smell too bad," Gonou says, laughing as he pauses in the bedroom doorway. "But yes, that sounds -- perfect."

[deuceoftears]

"You had your fussy-cat face for a second, that's all."

[reformedsinner]

"Ah -- maybe that's my signifier...."

Fussy cat. It's all too accurate, he thinks.

He's still chuckling as he heads to the kitchen, taking down one of the silver needle blends from the lowest shelf and setting it on the counter next to the kettle, filling the kettle, and heading for the bathroom as he runs an absent hand over his jaw. He's not nearly as stubbly as he'd expect after a month without shaving, either. Maybe it's Barge magic, or maybe his half-joking plan to attempt facial hair will be a terrible failure.

[deuceoftears]

Jedao makes the bed, then strips down and gets the shower ready, letting the pour of heat blank out his mind for a few seconds as his shoulders finally accept his relief that Gonou's awake.

[reformedsinner]

Gonou joins him just a few minutes later, pulling off his shirt and the plain drawstring trousers and folding them each neatly by the door before he pads to the shower, stepping in beside Jedao and leaning over to drop a kiss against the nape of his neck.

[deuceoftears]

Jedao shudders, easily affected as always. He tilts his head invitingly, turn into Gonou and skimming a hand up his side.

"Missed you."

[reformedsinner]

"Happy to be back," Gonou murmurs, letting his hands settle on Jedao's hips. A prickle of goosebumps track the light touch of Jedao's fingers over his ribs, and he leans in to savor a slow kiss, letting his worries slough away under the warm drumming water and the beloved familiar touch.

[deuceoftears]

"It's your welcome party. Any requests?" he asks after another kiss breaks, hands roaming over Gonou's back, squeezing his butt since it's right there.