Well, yes, but I thought I could avoid getting mad.
... Jedao, I really liked him.
[It's mournful, but almost self mocking: he has a soft spot for children in general, he had specifically liked John even knowing John wouldn't let himself be close to a demon, and he'd hoped that he could overcome that anger and wariness by being a friend. So, now he is betrayed. He'd walked into it with his eyes open.]
He's clever and tenacious and very badly used by adults who should have protected him. There's a lot for both of us to recognize.
And - you remember, our very first breach. Elsewhere.
[A longer time ago, now, for Hakkai than for Jedao. But the shock of it - someone who could be saved. Someone thinking he was worth saving.]
He came searching for me, too. He was the first person I ever thought of as family.
[Other people had tried to claim him - Jedao One, effusively, Iris - but they were strangers. He remembers teaching Nat to play cards, reading him his favorite books. Remembers his pudgy little hands holding cookies.]
I've never been brave enough to tell him what I am, because I also always knew he was a blind bootlicking little shit, and I thought I could just...get away with it.
All of which to say. If you didn't get mad at him I was going to ask Xie Lian if you might be turning into a deity by proximity.
[Having someone else who cared, someone else who saw and wanted to help-- it had meant so much. Gonou had never shaken the lingering fondness of it, not even after John's coldness when he lost his limiters.]
I'm madder about what he did to you doing this. I knew he didn't like me.
[Knew, really, that John thought of Gonou's existence as exactly as disgusting and shameful as he had thought of it, which -- he had understood, in its way. He lets out a small breath.]
... yes, you can watch the footage.
[Because he wants to be upset about I didn't care if you lived or died, but he doesn't know how to say it, exactly.]
... don't give him up just because you think I want you to, that's all.
I'm angry, but.
[Jedao has given up other people he loved before, for terrible reasons and with terrible wounds from the loss. Gonou hates the thought of becoming some kind of loyalty test.
[A lot of cold, flippant answers crack against each other in his throat, like splinters of icicle. Like splinters of chicken bone. Jedao supposes that urge is its own answer.]
I'm angry. No buts. And I wish he hadn't done that to you, hadn't betrayed your hope and spurned your kindness. But truthfully. I'm mostly angry for me.
[Not, precisely, for how horribly targeted Gonou's poison-laden breathing was to some of his very worst memories - trying to drag Dhanneth to Medical with two shattered knees and bullets in his head and chest, listening to his anaphylactic wheeze the whole way; the gasps of the heretic Jedao couldn't save during the Feast of Burning Veins - though that certainly doesn't help his composure. He hasn't even realized how deeply that struck him. He hasn't let himself think of that at all.
No. Consciously - when people tell you who they are, believe them, Jedao thinks. And Nathaniel has told them very clearly that he is an enemy to inhuman monsters, without consideration, adaptation, or exception. So: Jedao will believe him. They aren't brothers. They are enemies. And he was always fooling himself, to imagine any differently.]
[Gonou is angrier for Jedao than for himself, although he's also angry for himself. He would rather die a hundred times than find his lover betrayed and dying once, and he... suspects they have that in common.]
I'll see you soon.
[Jedao will find him on the couch in the main room, sitting with prim good posture like usual, but with something indefinable about the set of his shoulders that suggests a desire to huddle.]
[Jedao would rather die himself - but honestly, that doesn't even say all that much. And the lonely child in him is taking the implied rejection harder than the violence, no matter how traumatizing it was to find Gonou that way.
But he's there in less than a minute, curling up next to Hakkai and wrapping one arm around him tugging him to lean against Hakkai's chest. Gently,]
[He reaches out to pluck them carefully from Jedao's hand with his claw-tipped fingers -- he hasn't put on the other pair of limiters yet; he'd just slumped back down on the couch after Arthur left -- and, before he even puts them on, leans in to kiss Jedao, softly and sweetly.]
These don't stop me from healing faster than a human.
[He's been injured, now, enough to be very sure of that.
It's possible that they stop him from healing as fast as he would if he were to leave them off, but... it's not something he'd had the opportunity to try on their journey. He looks down at the silver clips in his palm. Quietly:]
But I suppose I'm in no danger from the Minus Wave if I leave them off here. Or wear the others.
[He hesitates slightly. These kinds of weaknesses are embarrassing to admit, but to Jedao, he thinks it might be all right.]
I can feel the difference when my powers are limited. Every time I've taken them off at home since the disaster began... I've lost control. Once, so badly I almost killed a companion.
If you ever lose control with me, I'm not fucking around next time.
[His voice is soft but the conviction is solid all the way through. He thought about it, after everything with the King in Yellow. He knows he can follow through. He leans in and kisses Gonou's temple. Then just says, in exactly the same tone as before,]
If it's worth it to you, I won't fuss.
And you can change them whenever you want. What do you want to do now?
[There's something he suddenly needs to clarify first--]
It's not something inside me that makes me lose control. It's the Minus Wave, and that's -- not here.
And even if I lost control, as long as nothing was wrong with my memory, you could stop me with a touch.
I would not hurt you.
[If Jedao was a stranger to him, if something the Barge did changed his memories again -- then he would be in danger.
But Hakkai is not capable of killing someone he loves. He never has been, and he never will be, no matter the madness that might take him in its grip.]
But it makes me nervous to feel unlimited. So. These, I think. [For now. He reaches up to his ear, slipping each of them in turn carefully into its place.]
[It really does not offer any guarantees about memories. Hakkai blows out a breath, and settles in against Jedao again, tension bleeding out of him at the return of his body, at the way his perception and energy ebb from their overwhelming unlimited state to their softer-edged familiar levels. Selfishly, he doesn't want to have to see the conversation all over again, but it would be good to review his own actions, he thinks, and drops his head against Jedao's shoulder.]
Let's get the footage out of the way. As long as it doesn't mean we have to get up.
[If he has to sacrifice the cuddle, he will wait.]
[The footage pops up on the terminal across from them, at an angle to show both Arthur and Nathaniel's faces but not Hakkai's. It runs at double speed, cutting down the excruciating pauses and shortening the overall experience.]
[It's the kind of tone that Hakkai would expect to hear from someone who was just about ready to commit a murder. He reaches for Jedao's free hand, lacing their fingers together, and squeezes gently.
His own voice is not very much warmer.]
I don't think it's personal. I think he believes everyone acts only out of interest in what they can get and everyone he knows is an enemy in waiting.
... I talked to him about youkai, early on. I told him how I felt, but I didn't tell him what I was, because--
[Because he wasn't telling anyone, then. Because he could barely bear to admit it himself. Jedao hadn't known until the Galley; Gonou might not have told him for months more if the decision had not been snatched from his hands.]
It's impressive that he's so self-centered that he couldn't put together that timeline when I told him about the transformation, actually.
[Nathaniel had had the look of someone who was only interested in the information from a scientific perspective. Gonou supposes he'll have to look out for attempts to collect his blood.]
[Jedao doesn't need to commit murder. He's settled it with himself. Nathaniel will either turn into a different person, or he will rot here until the barge loses track of him, and he dies. Either way, the system works.]
Everyone he meets is an enemy in waiting. There's a certain point of power-hungry selfishness that demands it. Allies - not to mention superiors - are always rivals if one's ambitions are high enough. Underlings are always enemies if the exploitation is harsh enough. And those who are neither -
[Jedao shrugs. Enemies simple, or purely obstacles - who risk becoming enemies the moment they object to such treatment, if they are allowed to object. As Arthur discusses the slavery of demons in more detail, Jedao's hand flexes for a moment in Hakkai's, Jedao One's trigger finger twitching for a gun Jedao has never held.
Nathaniel's mental logic is easier for Jedao to follow than anyone from Earth. Their worlds are the same, for all that Nathaniel's is a primitive one-rock backwater. Jedao would have known long ago that caring about Nathaniel was pointless to the point of self-delusion, if hadn't in fact been very earnestly deluding himself that anything of the breach child was there.]
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And I'm very certain he deserved it.
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... Jedao, I really liked him.
[It's mournful, but almost self mocking: he has a soft spot for children in general, he had specifically liked John even knowing John wouldn't let himself be close to a demon, and he'd hoped that he could overcome that anger and wariness by being a friend. So, now he is betrayed. He'd walked into it with his eyes open.]
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And - you remember, our very first breach. Elsewhere.
[A longer time ago, now, for Hakkai than for Jedao. But the shock of it - someone who could be saved. Someone thinking he was worth saving.]
He came searching for me, too. He was the first person I ever thought of as family.
[Other people had tried to claim him - Jedao One, effusively, Iris - but they were strangers. He remembers teaching Nat to play cards, reading him his favorite books. Remembers his pudgy little hands holding cookies.]
I've never been brave enough to tell him what I am, because I also always knew he was a blind bootlicking little shit, and I thought I could just...get away with it.
All of which to say. If you didn't get mad at him I was going to ask Xie Lian if you might be turning into a deity by proximity.
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[Having someone else who cared, someone else who saw and wanted to help-- it had meant so much. Gonou had never shaken the lingering fondness of it, not even after John's coldness when he lost his limiters.]
I'm madder about what he did to you doing this. I knew he didn't like me.
[Knew, really, that John thought of Gonou's existence as exactly as disgusting and shameful as he had thought of it, which -- he had understood, in its way. He lets out a small breath.]
... yes, you can watch the footage.
[Because he wants to be upset about I didn't care if you lived or died, but he doesn't know how to say it, exactly.]
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And I've given up on people I loved more than him. I'll be okay.
[There's a steel-bright edge inside Jedao that cuts his own hands to touch, sometimes, but it's useful for moments like these.]
I'll be home soon. Can I bring you anything?
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I'm angry, but.
[Jedao has given up other people he loved before, for terrible reasons and with terrible wounds from the loss. Gonou hates the thought of becoming some kind of loyalty test.
More quietly:]
And... just bring yourself. That's enough.
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[A lot of cold, flippant answers crack against each other in his throat, like splinters of icicle. Like splinters of chicken bone. Jedao supposes that urge is its own answer.]
I'm angry. No buts. And I wish he hadn't done that to you, hadn't betrayed your hope and spurned your kindness. But truthfully. I'm mostly angry for me.
[Not, precisely, for how horribly targeted Gonou's poison-laden breathing was to some of his very worst memories - trying to drag Dhanneth to Medical with two shattered knees and bullets in his head and chest, listening to his anaphylactic wheeze the whole way; the gasps of the heretic Jedao couldn't save during the Feast of Burning Veins - though that certainly doesn't help his composure. He hasn't even realized how deeply that struck him. He hasn't let himself think of that at all.
No. Consciously - when people tell you who they are, believe them, Jedao thinks. And Nathaniel has told them very clearly that he is an enemy to inhuman monsters, without consideration, adaptation, or exception. So: Jedao will believe him. They aren't brothers. They are enemies. And he was always fooling himself, to imagine any differently.]
I'll be there soon, love.
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[Gonou is angrier for Jedao than for himself, although he's also angry for himself. He would rather die a hundred times than find his lover betrayed and dying once, and he... suspects they have that in common.]
I'll see you soon.
[Jedao will find him on the couch in the main room, sitting with prim good posture like usual, but with something indefinable about the set of his shoulders that suggests a desire to huddle.]
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But he's there in less than a minute, curling up next to Hakkai and wrapping one arm around him tugging him to lean against Hakkai's chest. Gently,]
So. I've got some good news.
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Ah, do you?
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[He points out, after the kiss.]
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[He's been injured, now, enough to be very sure of that.
It's possible that they stop him from healing as fast as he would if he were to leave them off, but... it's not something he'd had the opportunity to try on their journey. He looks down at the silver clips in his palm. Quietly:]
But I suppose I'm in no danger from the Minus Wave if I leave them off here. Or wear the others.
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I think the ones you gave me mean more. But...
[He hesitates slightly. These kinds of weaknesses are embarrassing to admit, but to Jedao, he thinks it might be all right.]
I can feel the difference when my powers are limited. Every time I've taken them off at home since the disaster began... I've lost control. Once, so badly I almost killed a companion.
[Feeling limited feels safe.]
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[His voice is soft but the conviction is solid all the way through. He thought about it, after everything with the King in Yellow. He knows he can follow through. He leans in and kisses Gonou's temple. Then just says, in exactly the same tone as before,]
If it's worth it to you, I won't fuss.
And you can change them whenever you want. What do you want to do now?
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It's not something inside me that makes me lose control. It's the Minus Wave, and that's -- not here.
And even if I lost control, as long as nothing was wrong with my memory, you could stop me with a touch.
I would not hurt you.
[If Jedao was a stranger to him, if something the Barge did changed his memories again -- then he would be in danger.
But Hakkai is not capable of killing someone he loves. He never has been, and he never will be, no matter the madness that might take him in its grip.]
But it makes me nervous to feel unlimited. So. These, I think. [For now. He reaches up to his ear, slipping each of them in turn carefully into its place.]
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[Not that the barge makes any of them feel terribly safe about their state of memory at any given time. Jedao gives him another soft sideways hug.]
Do want me to watch the footage first, or just...
[This. Cuddle.]
I can also watch it in my head - the room can send it to my augment directly.
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Let's get the footage out of the way. As long as it doesn't mean we have to get up.
[If he has to sacrifice the cuddle, he will wait.]
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I don't think he can admit to himself what friendship is.
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[Jedao's voice is casually cold in way Hakkai has rarely heard.]
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His own voice is not very much warmer.]
I don't think it's personal. I think he believes everyone acts only out of interest in what they can get and everyone he knows is an enemy in waiting.
... I talked to him about youkai, early on. I told him how I felt, but I didn't tell him what I was, because--
[Because he wasn't telling anyone, then. Because he could barely bear to admit it himself. Jedao hadn't known until the Galley; Gonou might not have told him for months more if the decision had not been snatched from his hands.]
It's impressive that he's so self-centered that he couldn't put together that timeline when I told him about the transformation, actually.
[Nathaniel had had the look of someone who was only interested in the information from a scientific perspective. Gonou supposes he'll have to look out for attempts to collect his blood.]
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Everyone he meets is an enemy in waiting. There's a certain point of power-hungry selfishness that demands it. Allies - not to mention superiors - are always rivals if one's ambitions are high enough. Underlings are always enemies if the exploitation is harsh enough. And those who are neither -
[Jedao shrugs. Enemies simple, or purely obstacles - who risk becoming enemies the moment they object to such treatment, if they are allowed to object. As Arthur discusses the slavery of demons in more detail, Jedao's hand flexes for a moment in Hakkai's, Jedao One's trigger finger twitching for a gun Jedao has never held.
Nathaniel's mental logic is easier for Jedao to follow than anyone from Earth. Their worlds are the same, for all that Nathaniel's is a primitive one-rock backwater. Jedao would have known long ago that caring about Nathaniel was pointless to the point of self-delusion, if hadn't in fact been very earnestly deluding himself that anything of the breach child was there.]
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