[This so. So much. Not necessarily in terms of words, but just - Jedao was ready, is the thing. He had his arguments prepared, braced against any of a dozen different would-be diplomats trying to fix something that could simply, more kindly be left alone. He was practicing it in his head, drawing that boundary, for when Arthur or Eiffel or Shaw or - Malcolm, on the outside, maybe Norton, came to try and explain Neal's perspective, and ask him to apologize again.
No, he was going to say. I know you mean well, but absolutely not. The more I push the more I'm just going to hurt him, no matter how I try. Until Neal says out loud with his own human mouth that he wants to talk to me, my answer is no.
But here he is.]
You don't need to apologize for hanging up. I...
[His voice sounds a little bit lost.]
I hurt you. Again. I was trying to - do that. To say that I had heard you. But I got it wrong, and - and I don't. Entirely know where I went wrong, this time, but I'm sorry, for that, and. You don't have to explain it and you don't ever have to be sorry for getting away from someone who's hurting you.
You're right, that it shouldn't happen.
[He bites the inside of his cheek for a moment; his blood is as disgusting as ever, viscous and inky. He swallows it down compulsively.]
A thing, about me is - I'm a tactician. That's...what I'm for. Breaking things down. Predicting...paths of escalation, obstacles, counters. Seeing what will work and what won't. I don't know how this will work. But I do think it's worth trying. I didn't...expect you to want me anywhere near it, honestly.
[He laughs, a soft shaky two-breath sound. He's going to get to give Jesus such a smug I-Told-You-So, and he's Shuos enough to enjoy that prospect.]
If you....really want me to be there, then I will.
[He feels a little like a balloon that someone just let go of that didn't so much zoom around until it ran out of air as flew straight into the wall and dropped to the floor. His heart is still too fast, he still feels a little sick, but not in a way that makes him think he's actually going to throw up.]
I don't know why I... reacted that way, to be honest. [A soft admission.] There's a lot I don't know about why I react to things the way I do, a lot I don't understand about it, and I'm not sure how to be better at that. Maybe it's that everything with Dorian and the bathroom tantrums and everything was already... in the open. Already public. So it didn't feel dangerous to say it where people could see. I don't know.
[Neal gives a tiny, not-really-laugh.]
I am very much not a tactician unless we're talking about how to get in and out of a heavily alarmed and guarded museum with a painting twice my size in under ten minutes without anyone knowing I was there. Which is... honestly part of the reason I think you'd be good person to have on this. It's something I'm bad at, which means having someone who's explicitly good at it is even more important. And I think you're a good middle-ground between people who can't help showing some emotion in a given situation and people who are comfortable keeping it entirely locked down. Even when I got angry at you, I never doubted that you genuinely wanted the conversations to go differently. That you wanted things to turn out well.
[A pause, and some tentative but genuine humor:]
Besides, and most importantly, it would be weird to invite you to my brother's birthday party if we'd spend the whole night eying each other like a pair of wet cats thrown into a sack together.
The answer to your actual question is, 'someone willing to sacrifice a little fairness for harmony,' which, okay, now that I say it out loud -
[He does laugh, now, ruefully.]
I think it's okay to want harmony at a party.
[He still needs to make sure Edwin will be okay with Arthur being at the Engagement party, and at least warn him about Yunlan, and make sure they're not sat next to each other -]
I'm glad I'll get to come, though. I'm - very grateful, that you reached out.
[He can tell how much courage it took, although he's not sure he should say so.]
[Theres a long delay while he emotionally recoils, cycles through a half-dozen needle and nails replies that could blow this up and save him more personal risk.
He finally manages to say something that isn't one of those things, and is far more weary than defensive.]
Well, good news there. I'm almost certain Earth doesn't have psych surgery, so that means any unusual responses are just things you've learned with the parts of you that don't talk. And you're not dead, which means you can unlearn them, or at least lessen their power to ruin your day.
You don't even need to actually trust anyone to work on it, although I've heard it theoretically helps. I didn't trust my psych team any farther than I could kick them, but I still picked up some useful techniques.
Anyway. I figured I should mention that's...possible. I know it's hard to believe from the inside.
I don't trust anyone, so I suppose it's good that's not a requirement.
[He clears his throat.]
Anyway, I... There are some logistical things I need to sort out still, but I'll talk to Zerxus again and maybe we can try a mediated session as a post-holiday experiment.
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Re: 23rdish?? audio;
No, he was going to say. I know you mean well, but absolutely not. The more I push the more I'm just going to hurt him, no matter how I try. Until Neal says out loud with his own human mouth that he wants to talk to me, my answer is no.
But here he is.]
You don't need to apologize for hanging up. I...
[His voice sounds a little bit lost.]
I hurt you. Again. I was trying to - do that. To say that I had heard you. But I got it wrong, and - and I don't. Entirely know where I went wrong, this time, but I'm sorry, for that, and. You don't have to explain it and you don't ever have to be sorry for getting away from someone who's hurting you.
You're right, that it shouldn't happen.
[He bites the inside of his cheek for a moment; his blood is as disgusting as ever, viscous and inky. He swallows it down compulsively.]
A thing, about me is - I'm a tactician. That's...what I'm for. Breaking things down. Predicting...paths of escalation, obstacles, counters. Seeing what will work and what won't. I don't know how this will work. But I do think it's worth trying. I didn't...expect you to want me anywhere near it, honestly.
[He laughs, a soft shaky two-breath sound. He's going to get to give Jesus such a smug I-Told-You-So, and he's Shuos enough to enjoy that prospect.]
If you....really want me to be there, then I will.
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I don't know why I... reacted that way, to be honest. [A soft admission.] There's a lot I don't know about why I react to things the way I do, a lot I don't understand about it, and I'm not sure how to be better at that. Maybe it's that everything with Dorian and the bathroom tantrums and everything was already... in the open. Already public. So it didn't feel dangerous to say it where people could see. I don't know.
[Neal gives a tiny, not-really-laugh.]
I am very much not a tactician unless we're talking about how to get in and out of a heavily alarmed and guarded museum with a painting twice my size in under ten minutes without anyone knowing I was there. Which is... honestly part of the reason I think you'd be good person to have on this. It's something I'm bad at, which means having someone who's explicitly good at it is even more important. And I think you're a good middle-ground between people who can't help showing some emotion in a given situation and people who are comfortable keeping it entirely locked down. Even when I got angry at you, I never doubted that you genuinely wanted the conversations to go differently. That you wanted things to turn out well.
[A pause, and some tentative but genuine humor:]
Besides, and most importantly, it would be weird to invite you to my brother's birthday party if we'd spend the whole night eying each other like a pair of wet cats thrown into a sack together.
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[Jedao says, and his voice wobbles a little. He didn't know Neal thought that, about his intentions, at all. And -]
I was. I was going to skip it. I didn't want you to be uncomfortable.
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That's not a sentiment I'm particularly used to.
Thank you, though. I mean it.
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[He does laugh, now, ruefully.]
I think it's okay to want harmony at a party.
[He still needs to make sure Edwin will be okay with Arthur being at the Engagement party, and at least warn him about Yunlan, and make sure they're not sat next to each other -]
I'm glad I'll get to come, though. I'm - very grateful, that you reached out.
[He can tell how much courage it took, although he's not sure he should say so.]
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Thanks. It's-- Ironically, it's one of the ways I know this place has helped me. Because like hell I would have before I came here.
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[Which is an official term, in Jedao's world - their version of PTSD.]
Is that something you want to figure out?
[Because if not Jedao will drop it forever.]
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He finally manages to say something that isn't one of those things, and is far more weary than defensive.]
I'm not sure I want to know I'm unfixable.
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Well, good news there. I'm almost certain Earth doesn't have psych surgery, so that means any unusual responses are just things you've learned with the parts of you that don't talk. And you're not dead, which means you can unlearn them, or at least lessen their power to ruin your day.
You don't even need to actually trust anyone to work on it, although I've heard it theoretically helps. I didn't trust my psych team any farther than I could kick them, but I still picked up some useful techniques.
Anyway. I figured I should mention that's...possible. I know it's hard to believe from the inside.
But also not really my business. So.
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I don't trust anyone, so I suppose it's good that's not a requirement.
[He clears his throat.]
Anyway, I... There are some logistical things I need to sort out still, but I'll talk to Zerxus again and maybe we can try a mediated session as a post-holiday experiment.
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