TLV IC Inbox

[deuceoftears]

Comments

[deuceoftears]

"I don't want to punish you," Jedao says, which is not quite the same as saying he won't.

"What if it had worked?"

[howtheyshine]

"Which part?" The memories, the apology, the Admiral saying yes or no. Probably all of them should be talked about, but he doesn't know where to start.

[deuceoftears]

"If hurting him like that had gotten you what you wanted, would you still feel bad about it?"

Quietly. It's not a trick question. He wants to know.

[howtheyshine]

He doesn't answer right away, considering it first. Considering the way he felt ill with each twist of the knife, the way he felt like he couldn't touch his blobby afterward because he would take the awfulness into it and it might stick somehow.

"...Yes."

[deuceoftears]

"Why would you?" Steady, and patient, but a little bit relieved, and he doesn't try to hide the gentleness of it.

[howtheyshine]

"Because it felt.... because it was.... bad. His pain felt... bad. It felt bad to hurt someone who could think and feel and reason and... dream and love. To see him suffer and know it was because of me."

A little shiver ripples through him, quite literally.

[deuceoftears]

"Yeah," Jedao says softly. "That's why it's bad."

He hugs Edwin a little tighter.

"Some people take a lot longer to figure that part out."

[howtheyshine]

He stretches out his extra limbs to hug Jedao back.

"Maybe it's... because of what I was. Or... wasn't. It's... hard to ignore how... beautiful humanity is, how beautiful it is to... be and create and... know yourself, when you couldn't before. Or don't remember ever trying."

[deuceoftears]

"I think it's because the person you are now is choosing to pay attention," Jedao says.

[howtheyshine]

"I-- Is it... Am I arrogant if I... am... if I like... who I am?"

[deuceoftears]

"No," Jedao says gently, yet firmly. "I'm arrogant because I think I'm smarter than everybody. But in my defense, I am smarter than everybody."

He says it dryly; in a different, less fraught conversation he would be laughing at himself. He knows he isn't always smarter than everybody. But...he still feels it sometimes.

He swallows, and the little bit of levity slips away.

"When you really don't like yourself...it's a pain that coils and gnaws and fucks you up. You can be good in spite of it, but I don't think it makes anybody better. I don't want you to feel that way."

[howtheyshine]

"I think I do. I-I mean, not all the time. Not... when I did those things. Some other times. But I... like... being. I like being, the way I am." His tone is quietly self-conscious. "It's different than when I got here."

[deuceoftears]

"I'm glad that you like who you are, and who you're becoming. It's better."

As he knows from experience.

"That's not the most important reason why I don't want you to torture anyone again. But it's one of the reasons. I like you being the way you are, too."

[howtheyshine]

"Can... Can I ask you... something else? It's not... It's about what to do, how to do the right thing when someone doesn't want you to help them."

[deuceoftears]

"You can. But I don't think the topic of torture is...quickly dispensed with. I have other questions about that. We can talk about them now, or later."

That's up to Edwin.

[howtheyshine]

His ears flick back and go a little flat as he hunkers guiltily. It's as unintentional, as instinctive a reaction as his crown-and-robes splitting off extra tentacles when he's agitated.

"I-It kind of... relates. A little. Sort of. Maybe. I mean, it doesn't, but--"

He's not supposed to tell, he's not supposed to tell. "What... what do you do if someone you really care about had something horrible happen to them, something that... that they shouldn't have to carry alone, but... but they won't talk to you because they don't want to upset... you, telling you about things th-that you... feel... responsible for happening, even if it wasn't your fault. And they won't talk to A-- Another person, because they don't want him... them.... to feel bad either, because they'll blame themselves, maybe. Definitely. And they won't talk to even the person you told them they should because they don't want that person to have bad feelings about me-- you--"

Hang on he's confusing himself at this point. "I'm not supposed to tell anyone about bad things that happened to someone, but he won't talk to anyone about them either, and he... he should."

[deuceoftears]

Well. There's a lot of different tangled threads there.

"Even if this person should talk to someone, you can't...make someone be ready to trust painful things. And if they're already struggling with that, then trying to force it will be worse. You can offer and encourage and suggest, but sometimes...sometimes even with people we love very much, we have to accept that we can't always fix everything. Especially not right away."

In the subharmonic gravitational hum of mothspeech he adds, I might check in on some of my friends soon, though. Hypothetically. Coincidentally.

Accepting that he can't fix something is not Jedao's strong suit, either.

[howtheyshine]

"I don't think it's... trust, the problem," he says, softly, relief in his tone for that hypothetical that thrums through parts of the air that don't truly carry sound. "He just... doesn't want anyone else to hurt. He doesn't want anyone else to hurt because of him, so he keeps all the hurting to himself."

[deuceoftears]

"Sometimes trust means trusting yourself not to hurt people too much. I know a few people that's really hard for."

It's hard for Jedao sometimes, too. Less so nowadays.

[howtheyshine]

He makes a soft, understanding noise at that. A shiver, and Edwin goes nosing at the base of Jedao's sweater before using another extra limb to lift it and try to snuggle underneath.

"When I got Roman for a warden... He showed me I hadn't actually... I hadn't hurt people, many people. Not really. Not before the barge, when I had my own body. I-I mean, I did, as the King I did, but... me, then, I'd only really hurt... Arthur."

A pause, and he continues more quietly. "Then I killed Chase and Collins."

He's strangely glad that Roman had gone before the last one.

[deuceoftears]

"You aren't responsible for everything that happened before you. But it can still be hard to learn new instincts, sometimes. I did things - things like Jedao One would do, that I didn't like, when I was figuring myself out, too."

[howtheyshine]

It helps. It helps a lot, actually, to hear that. After a moment of quiet, he says, "What happened to Jedao One?"

[deuceoftears]

Jedao swallows. "He killed so many people. And then he was killed in the middle of trying to do something good, but maybe doing it in a way where a lot of people still got hurt, but...I don't know if he had any other ways to do it. And then he came here, and eventually he graduated. He went to a different world with people he met here. He wants me to come with him, when I leave."

Jedao still isn't sure whether he plans to take him up on it.

[howtheyshine]

He wants me to come, Jedao says, and all at once Edwin is glad they aren't sharing mental space right now. It makes him ache in the same places that hurt after his talk with Arthur, right before the darkness. The places that hurt when he realized, or accepted, or whatever it was, that Arthur will never be glad he exists.

"If you do go... you don't have to stay. If it's not where you want to be. If you can't have an orchard there with Hakkai."

[deuceoftears]

"I know," Jedao murmurs. "He'd give me a whole planet for orchards if I asked, probably. He tried to come get me right after he graduated. I was so mad, that the one person who wanted me was the only person it had been - safe to hate. So I came here to be a warden instead."

Since the day of the communicator glitch, at least, the offer has been fermenting slowly at the back of his mind. All those little brothers. Magic lessons with Quentin. A world where aliens aren't strange.

"He's - he wants to be my dad. I didn't understand how much that meant, before I met you. He'd adore you. I bet he wants a grandson so bad."