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Jedao leans his head on top of Hakkai's head, and he pauses for a little while before his own reply comes.
I think he does care, and is trying to do his job as he sees it. But that doesn't make it any less infuriating that his priorities are different and his choices have been harmful. You should be able to rely on him, and whether your fears about what he would do are true or not, the fact is that he's failed to earn your trust or allay those fears.
It sucks. I'm sorry.
I think he does care, and is trying to do his job as he sees it. But that doesn't make it any less infuriating that his priorities are different and his choices have been harmful. You should be able to rely on him, and whether your fears about what he would do are true or not, the fact is that he's failed to earn your trust or allay those fears.
It sucks. I'm sorry.
He certainly doesn't care about Sebastian. Kikimora, yes.
He's been tolerably clear about his opinions on Sebastian. He might think that none of those opinions count as ill will, but that's only because he's decided they're all objective facts.
Hakkai makes a grumbling noise deep in his throat, letting Jedao's head rest on his own, and leans into it despite his stiff-necked annoyance.
He's been tolerably clear about his opinions on Sebastian. He might think that none of those opinions count as ill will, but that's only because he's decided they're all objective facts.
Hakkai makes a grumbling noise deep in his throat, letting Jedao's head rest on his own, and leans into it despite his stiff-necked annoyance.
"I didn't know that." He'd like to learn, though. God, whole other worlds--
One thing at a time.
A deep breath, and Neal turns to lean his back against the railing and look at Jedao properly. Not in the face, maybe, not if eye contact makes Jedao any kind of uncomfortable that Neal can catch, but at least toward him.
"You were right. About me needing to leave. I was-- When you said it, I heard--"
He takes in a slow, deep breath. "There's a lot I need to figure out. And..."
And what? God, he feels like a failure all at once. Like he's giving up, proving everyone who looks at him as fractured or fragile right. Neal rubs his face.
"I'm sorry," he finally says, softly. "Even if you think I was only telling you the truth, the truth doesn't have to be told as a weapon."
One thing at a time.
A deep breath, and Neal turns to lean his back against the railing and look at Jedao properly. Not in the face, maybe, not if eye contact makes Jedao any kind of uncomfortable that Neal can catch, but at least toward him.
"You were right. About me needing to leave. I was-- When you said it, I heard--"
He takes in a slow, deep breath. "There's a lot I need to figure out. And..."
And what? God, he feels like a failure all at once. Like he's giving up, proving everyone who looks at him as fractured or fragile right. Neal rubs his face.
"I'm sorry," he finally says, softly. "Even if you think I was only telling you the truth, the truth doesn't have to be told as a weapon."
"I didn't mean it to be a weapon," Jedao says quietly.
"I just think you deserve a fucking break. Not because you're - just. Literally everyone needs to rest sometimes. It's part of being a person."
He swallows. He wonders if Neal will hate him for noticing things again, but ultimately doesn't have the mental energy to dance around it.
"And whoever made you feel like needing one makes you a failure was a shit commander and I'd like to make him wear cold wet socks for the rest of his natural life."
"I just think you deserve a fucking break. Not because you're - just. Literally everyone needs to rest sometimes. It's part of being a person."
He swallows. He wonders if Neal will hate him for noticing things again, but ultimately doesn't have the mental energy to dance around it.
"And whoever made you feel like needing one makes you a failure was a shit commander and I'd like to make him wear cold wet socks for the rest of his natural life."
Neal breathes out a laugh at his feet, tired and borderline sheepish. "I know. I know you didn't. I did, though. And that, I'm sorry for."
As for that last part though--god, that hurts, it hurts so badly, and it's not because Jedao is wrong. Neal closes his eyes, trying to hold back the burn starting and partially succeeding. They'll just look very damp when he opens them again, gaze now fixed near Jedao's feet.
"He's-- Well, it's not just him. It was never just him. But he's a good commander. He's an excellent commander. His people would probably very literally die for him. I just... didn't realize until fairly recently that I actually wasn't one of his people."
It's a vast oversimplification, but Neal doesn't have the energy or the security to get into the mess that is his relationship with Peter Burke.
As for that last part though--god, that hurts, it hurts so badly, and it's not because Jedao is wrong. Neal closes his eyes, trying to hold back the burn starting and partially succeeding. They'll just look very damp when he opens them again, gaze now fixed near Jedao's feet.
"He's-- Well, it's not just him. It was never just him. But he's a good commander. He's an excellent commander. His people would probably very literally die for him. I just... didn't realize until fairly recently that I actually wasn't one of his people."
It's a vast oversimplification, but Neal doesn't have the energy or the security to get into the mess that is his relationship with Peter Burke.
Trust an Andan to confuse winning people over with wielding them well. Maybe if they were taught to rest appropriately they'd be called upon to die less Jedao thinks waspishly, but clearly it's not something to tear into right now.
"Okay. Well - I forgive you, then. We were both in a really bad place. I'm sorry I miscalculated with Eiffel, and I'm sorry I - let my self-destructiveness hurt you, too."
He wouldn't have obeyed if part of him hadn't just been waiting for the excuse.
"Okay. Well - I forgive you, then. We were both in a really bad place. I'm sorry I miscalculated with Eiffel, and I'm sorry I - let my self-destructiveness hurt you, too."
He wouldn't have obeyed if part of him hadn't just been waiting for the excuse.
That's fair.
I think he cares about...resolving the situation fairly. But not about Sebastian, no. And I don't think he's competent enough to overcome his bias.
I think he cares about...resolving the situation fairly. But not about Sebastian, no. And I don't think he's competent enough to overcome his bias.
if they're filtered and you want me in this role going forward, I don't think you should show them to me unless Malcolm agrees it's okay for me to see them
[after a second, he adds]
if you want me to do the asking as a trial run i can
[after a second, he adds]
if you want me to do the asking as a trial run i can
Edited 2024-03-04 06:23 (UTC)
it could be helpful, but only if it's done fairly. we'll see
can you tell me a little bit about what parts of what Kiryu was doing were most helpful for you?
can you tell me a little bit about what parts of what Kiryu was doing were most helpful for you?
If he cares about fairness, he should care about what actually happened.
Fair is not the same as "equal blame." I don't know if that's bias or careless thinking.
Fair is not the same as "equal blame." I don't know if that's bias or careless thinking.
he didn't play into Malcolm's skewed perspectives. he recognized that Malcolm treats people badly sometimes, and he didn't act like it's everyone else's job to put up with it and work around it, but he handled it in a way that was sympathetic to Malcolm and his struggles. he called both of us out when we were doing something unhelpful or unproductive. he gave me tips on how to be more patient and understanding and stuff like that.
The irony is, Peter is a good commander. He just tried to be commander and father to Neal at the same time, which went about as well as could reasonably be expected.
Neal smiles, though the expression is... tired and sad and careworn.
"I wish we hadn't really met the way we did. I think we'd get along in different circumstances. I think we could still. You're... ferociously intelligent, and you have a great sense of humor, and I want to know how you broke into Malcolm's room when I designed the lock to replace the first one after he got his medications stolen. ...I mean, yeah, I could have broken in still, but I designed it."
There's a sting of irony in that last part. He quiets again. "I am sorry. I was so... I am still lost."
An admission that no one else has gotten, one that feels strange to offer now. But he trusts Jedao not to share it for some reason.
"I'm not who I was when I got here. I don't know who I'm supposed to be now. I need to go figure it out."
Neal smiles, though the expression is... tired and sad and careworn.
"I wish we hadn't really met the way we did. I think we'd get along in different circumstances. I think we could still. You're... ferociously intelligent, and you have a great sense of humor, and I want to know how you broke into Malcolm's room when I designed the lock to replace the first one after he got his medications stolen. ...I mean, yeah, I could have broken in still, but I designed it."
There's a sting of irony in that last part. He quiets again. "I am sorry. I was so... I am still lost."
An admission that no one else has gotten, one that feels strange to offer now. But he trusts Jedao not to share it for some reason.
"I'm not who I was when I got here. I don't know who I'm supposed to be now. I need to go figure it out."
"Well, I cheated a bit," Jedao admits after a few moments. It makes a little rill of fear skitter up his ribs, but Neal has already seen his blood, so there's no point in pretending to be human. And it's something Jedao can give him, right now.
"That's one of the big security holes in the cabin system, that doors don't count as inside themselves for the cabin thresholds. You can kick in a door with super strength, or. If you're...telekinetic." Not a word native to his own situation, but Eiffel has called him an Exman enough for him to pick up the lingo. "You can just nudge the lock mechanism from the inside."
So. That's how.
"After - after the worst shit of my life. I was a political prisoner for two years. Gentle house arrest with lots of side interrogation, sort of thing. I was more restricted than here, but - all of the violence and chaos, there wasn't any of that. I knew what each day was going to be like, and...I could just breathe, for a while. I didn't have to make any giant decisions or deal with constant crisis or look after someone and put their issues before mine. I could just water my little onion plant and go to art therapy and play stupid video games and grade papers and then go to sleep. And when I started to scheme about maybe escaping, there was no deadline, no pressure. I could just figure things out at my own pace. It was maybe the kindest thing anyone had ever done for me."
Shuos-zho would hate being called kind out loud, but he doesn't have to know.
"I would have been a complete fucking mess of a warden if I hadn't got that time, which I know because one of those age floods took it away from me for awhile." And he'd been fucking deranged about almost everyone he met, way worse than Neal is.
"I want...that kind of time for you, to figure out who you want to be. The space to breathe instead of always getting hit with the next thing. I don't really believe in deserving as a good metric, most of the time. But I think you deserve that."
"That's one of the big security holes in the cabin system, that doors don't count as inside themselves for the cabin thresholds. You can kick in a door with super strength, or. If you're...telekinetic." Not a word native to his own situation, but Eiffel has called him an Exman enough for him to pick up the lingo. "You can just nudge the lock mechanism from the inside."
So. That's how.
"After - after the worst shit of my life. I was a political prisoner for two years. Gentle house arrest with lots of side interrogation, sort of thing. I was more restricted than here, but - all of the violence and chaos, there wasn't any of that. I knew what each day was going to be like, and...I could just breathe, for a while. I didn't have to make any giant decisions or deal with constant crisis or look after someone and put their issues before mine. I could just water my little onion plant and go to art therapy and play stupid video games and grade papers and then go to sleep. And when I started to scheme about maybe escaping, there was no deadline, no pressure. I could just figure things out at my own pace. It was maybe the kindest thing anyone had ever done for me."
Shuos-zho would hate being called kind out loud, but he doesn't have to know.
"I would have been a complete fucking mess of a warden if I hadn't got that time, which I know because one of those age floods took it away from me for awhile." And he'd been fucking deranged about almost everyone he met, way worse than Neal is.
"I want...that kind of time for you, to figure out who you want to be. The space to breathe instead of always getting hit with the next thing. I don't really believe in deserving as a good metric, most of the time. But I think you deserve that."
Edited 2024-03-04 21:26 (UTC)
I mean
Jedao pauses for a few moments, fingers still as he tries to phrase it right.
I think his bias is distorting his understanding of what's really happened, or could have happened. And that's difficult for anyone to break out of, unless they're willing to listen to outside voices.
And he generally isn't. That's on him.
There's more Jedao could say, but not without saying things that he feels Malcolm told him in confidence, rather than his own observations.
Jedao pauses for a few moments, fingers still as he tries to phrase it right.
I think his bias is distorting his understanding of what's really happened, or could have happened. And that's difficult for anyone to break out of, unless they're willing to listen to outside voices.
And he generally isn't. That's on him.
There's more Jedao could say, but not without saying things that he feels Malcolm told him in confidence, rather than his own observations.
pretty good stuff
I'd even go so far as to say 'don't assume intent' at all. there's a lot of times I've had to ask malcolm to back up and clarify a thing he said that seemed outrageous to me, and I'd misunderstood pretty badly, even though i'm supposed to be good at that
have you suggested me to him or are you asking me first?
I'd even go so far as to say 'don't assume intent' at all. there's a lot of times I've had to ask malcolm to back up and clarify a thing he said that seemed outrageous to me, and I'd misunderstood pretty badly, even though i'm supposed to be good at that
have you suggested me to him or are you asking me first?
ok 👍
I'll check in with him about what's worked for him and if he's cool with me checking out the old conversations
you guys did it in the counseling offices before, i'm guessing?
I'll check in with him about what's worked for him and if he's cool with me checking out the old conversations
you guys did it in the counseling offices before, i'm guessing?
yeah, seemed like the best place. i'd be ok with a different location, though. depending on where it was.
i gotta say i'm not wild about relying too much on never assuming intent, though. i don't think Kiryu meant him to, but he uses it as a crutch now. "i didn't intend to cause harm, so you're not allowed to be mad about it, and anyway it's your fault for assuming my intent and misinterpreting me", that kind of thing.
i gotta say i'm not wild about relying too much on never assuming intent, though. i don't think Kiryu meant him to, but he uses it as a crutch now. "i didn't intend to cause harm, so you're not allowed to be mad about it, and anyway it's your fault for assuming my intent and misinterpreting me", that kind of thing.
1. you may rest assured that should it come up, that is a caliber of wolfshit i am willing to call him on
2. to clarify for myself, i mean 'not assuming intent broadly' as more of tactical consideration than a moral one. i've managed to protect myself from a fair amount of pain and anger by building the habit of taking a breath and asking myself 'did he actually say the thing, or am I making what seems to me an obvious interpretation'. and while it's not only your responsibility to do that, it's useful
i mean, what's better: you get hurt by something he didn't mean, and eventually he apologizes, or you don't get hurt at all?
for the record i would like him to learn to work on this also but i think he's gonna take longer than you and you could save yourself some headaches in the meantime
2. to clarify for myself, i mean 'not assuming intent broadly' as more of tactical consideration than a moral one. i've managed to protect myself from a fair amount of pain and anger by building the habit of taking a breath and asking myself 'did he actually say the thing, or am I making what seems to me an obvious interpretation'. and while it's not only your responsibility to do that, it's useful
i mean, what's better: you get hurt by something he didn't mean, and eventually he apologizes, or you don't get hurt at all?
for the record i would like him to learn to work on this also but i think he's gonna take longer than you and you could save yourself some headaches in the meantime
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