[When the reply comes, it comes a bit later and all at once: something he's spent a long time composing.]
I'm no longer bleeding.
Eiffel was involuntarily returned to his universe from December 25th to January 1st, which he experienced as a period of about 4 months.
Someone named Dr. Pryce implanted Eiffel and other members of his mission crew with mechanical devices that connected to the brain stem and the top of the spinal column. Iris has more details on Dr. Pryce than I do, if that's something you'd like to look into.
The device made him: 1) completely devoted to following Dr. Pryce's standing orders, which as of his return were "fix things without rest" - he would default to this within 10-15 minutes if not constantly supervised, which is why he didn't stay in the infirmary the first time Neal and Shaw brought him there 2) obey orders given by anyone else not conflicting with the above (refused to rest when I told him to) 3) compulsively deferential to everyone he encountered (called me General, etc) 4) completely removed his normal personality and interests in favor of the 'generally amiable and eager-to-please' baseline 5) altered his baseline energy and kinetics 6) exerted some effect to insulate him from or make him ignore his own physical pain
You know how I can touch things without touching them. I can do it very precisely. Rather than let him continue in that state or seek more invasive treatment right away, I tried to disable the device. I severed the internal wire connecting the implant's power source to the neural interface.
[It was the smallest, most precise, least risky modification he could think of to simply render the thing inert, hoping to spare Eiffel the ongoing effects before figuring out something as complicated as removal. And he still doesn't think it was the wrong move to try that first, or to do it without waiting for the barge committee to gnaw on the problem. But it still wasn't good enough.]
Some kind of killswitch activated, and delivered a massive, lethal electrical shock. Since Eiffel was already dead, I cut out the device myself to 1) see if he would resurrect without it, and 2) better study it in case resurrection was ineffective. Unfortunately, the device returned to him when the Death Toll activated.
I made a very blunt report about the situation, my actions, and the need to remove the device entirely. You should be able to see it now. Neal was included on the original filter as someone concerned about Eiffel's well-being.
He came to my cabin, gave me a scalpel, and told me to cut my own neck. Mimicking the dissection, you see. I did it. He was sick and upset after that. The rest you know.
He didn't do anything except get angry about his brother's death. He didn't even touch me. If he wants to know, please tell him I don't hold anything against him. He didn't do anything wrong.
[Norton takes a moment to let out a deep, slow breath and reads Jedao's initial message about Eiffel.]
You're absolute shite at public relations when you're self-flagellating with guilt, you know that? Wooden recitation of a report as if it were just an technology extraction mission gone a bit wonky might have been the only way to keep your brain working at the time, darling, but it clearly didn't do you any favours in the court of public opinion.
It occurs to me when some terribly unpleasant task lands in your lap, you seem incapable of passing it off to someone else, even if doing it destroys you in the process. I wouldn't say your choices were bad, they certainly made logical sense with the information you had, but it really didn't have to be you who did it.
And you've not only wrecked yourself, you wrecked Neal, too, when, instead of doing something sensible like talking him down or disarming him, you stabbed yourself in the neck in self-hated over doing things you could have given to another person and didn't. Neal shouldn't have gone after you. You were just trying to save Eiffel as best you knew how. But since your self-hatred needlessly hurt him, too, I'm not feeling very sympathetic to it right now.
[Really, he should have guessed. He feels stupid, and hurt, and then stupid again. Norton wasn't pushing him because he wanted to talk as a friend. When Jedao tried to tell him it was too vulnerable, too raw, he didn't ignore Jedao out of misguided stubbornness. He ignored Jedao because he's here to punish him.
Fair enough.
Leave me alone or I'll send Neal my tongue in a box next, he thinks, viciously, part cornered animal, part ruthless agent. But none of this is Neal's fault, and Jedao doesn't like to bluff if he doesn't have to. Especially with a fellow fox likely to poke at it.]
we could save time if you'd just tell me the truth you know
[Norton believes one should never have an agenda when you could have two or three instead. There is an element of punishment. He's too petty, too vindictive for that not to be a little bit of his motive. But he also means it as a concerned observation: 'do something about your propensity for self-loathing because you're hurting yourself and people who come near you.'
Neither. I want you to strategize better next time. Call on someone else instead of hurting yourself and everyone around you by doing something you hate yourself for.
Well everyone involved is hurting now, including you, so unless that was one of your strategic priorities this was a bit of a FUBAR. One that might have been avoided if you'd been a little less self-loathing.
I imagine when you're less...like this...you'll realize how utterly ridiculous it is to say you'd rather risk hurting people than deal with your bloody issues.
[Is it hypocritical of Norton to say this? Probably, but that doesn't stop him.]
i would rather stab every person on this ship in the face myself than let eiffel wander around being happily mind-raped for however long it took the barge committee to gnaw its way through its own limb to an agreed-upon course of action, because it was "only his personality" and not a "real medical emergency"
[Which he would have thought Norton would understand. But even as bitter and vicious as he feels right now, he doesn't quite throw that in his face.]
you don't know me as well as you think you do. i deal with my bloody issues all the bloody time
i didn't stab myself because i was overcome with self-loathing. i stabbed myself because i was numb, focused on the extraction, and it seemed more efficient to just give neal what he was asking for
next time ill know better than to let him in the room in the first place
I never said you had to bring it to the full Barge committee, I said you didn't need to deal with it on your own. Which in the end is what happened anyway. And what worked.
And if you'd really murder a ship full of people to save one person, maybe you need to reassess your qualifications for being a warden.
[He absolutely does not let himself think about all the people he led to their deaths to get Gideon back when he was taken over.]
yes so obviously i'm not obsessively incapable of recruiting help
but if i HAD talked to other people beforehand im fairly sure we'd have all come to the logical conclusion that it made sense to at least try to disable it with the smallest possible disturbance before jumping to invasive surgery with far more moving parts and more potential points of failure
i did think about my options. and the risks, and the death toll
[He thought about them very quickly, but that's what he does, in a crisis. It's what Jedao One did, too, not that he's thinking about that.]
i wasnt reckless. i was just mistaken
and im sorry that hurt eiffel, and im sorry it hurt neal too.
[But you're wrong about me - no. A real apology doesn't end with 'but' anything.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I'm no longer bleeding.
Eiffel was involuntarily returned to his universe from December 25th to January 1st, which he experienced as a period of about 4 months.
Someone named Dr. Pryce implanted Eiffel and other members of his mission crew with mechanical devices that connected to the brain stem and the top of the spinal column. Iris has more details on Dr. Pryce than I do, if that's something you'd like to look into.
The device made him:
1) completely devoted to following Dr. Pryce's standing orders, which as of his return were "fix things without rest" - he would default to this within 10-15 minutes if not constantly supervised, which is why he didn't stay in the infirmary the first time Neal and Shaw brought him there
2) obey orders given by anyone else not conflicting with the above (refused to rest when I told him to)
3) compulsively deferential to everyone he encountered (called me General, etc)
4) completely removed his normal personality and interests in favor of the 'generally amiable and eager-to-please' baseline
5) altered his baseline energy and kinetics
6) exerted some effect to insulate him from or make him ignore his own physical pain
You know how I can touch things without touching them. I can do it very precisely. Rather than let him continue in that state or seek more invasive treatment right away, I tried to disable the device. I severed the internal wire connecting the implant's power source to the neural interface.
[It was the smallest, most precise, least risky modification he could think of to simply render the thing inert, hoping to spare Eiffel the ongoing effects before figuring out something as complicated as removal. And he still doesn't think it was the wrong move to try that first, or to do it without waiting for the barge committee to gnaw on the problem. But it still wasn't good enough.]
Some kind of killswitch activated, and delivered a massive, lethal electrical shock. Since Eiffel was already dead, I cut out the device myself to 1) see if he would resurrect without it, and 2) better study it in case resurrection was ineffective. Unfortunately, the device returned to him when the Death Toll activated.
I made a very blunt report about the situation, my actions, and the need to remove the device entirely. You should be able to see it now. Neal was included on the original filter as someone concerned about Eiffel's well-being.
He came to my cabin, gave me a scalpel, and told me to cut my own neck. Mimicking the dissection, you see. I did it. He was sick and upset after that. The rest you know.
He didn't do anything except get angry about his brother's death. He didn't even touch me. If he wants to know, please tell him I don't hold anything against him. He didn't do anything wrong.
no subject
You're absolute shite at public relations when you're self-flagellating with guilt, you know that? Wooden recitation of a report as if it were just an technology extraction mission gone a bit wonky might have been the only way to keep your brain working at the time, darling, but it clearly didn't do you any favours in the court of public opinion.
Stop texting and talk to me.
no subject
if you want me to talk to you
i will scream and then hang up
eiffel is himself again
objective achieved
i really don't care who hates me as a result
what do you want
no subject
But mission's over so I want you to scream for me, if that's what your real thoughts are at this moment.
no subject
its
just screaming
and i don't want to hurt anybody else because i cant stop
no subject
Your screaming won't hurt me.
no subject
losing my temper does not feel safe
even if youd forgive me
and im
im not raw i feel skinned
[Even a gentle touch can feel like an attack, in this condition. He is, at least, terribly self-aware of it.]
no subject
no subject
To me. It doesn't feel safe to me, fucking obviously, you insensitive cogfucking moron.
There. I did it, and I hate myself a little more. Congratulations. Fuck off.
[And the camera goes back off.]
no subject
And you've not only wrecked yourself, you wrecked Neal, too, when, instead of doing something sensible like talking him down or disarming him, you stabbed yourself in the neck in self-hated over doing things you could have given to another person and didn't. Neal shouldn't have gone after you. You were just trying to save Eiffel as best you knew how. But since your self-hatred needlessly hurt him, too, I'm not feeling very sympathetic to it right now.
no subject
[Really, he should have guessed. He feels stupid, and hurt, and then stupid again. Norton wasn't pushing him because he wanted to talk as a friend. When Jedao tried to tell him it was too vulnerable, too raw, he didn't ignore Jedao out of misguided stubbornness. He ignored Jedao because he's here to punish him.
Fair enough.
Leave me alone or I'll send Neal my tongue in a box next, he thinks, viciously, part cornered animal, part ruthless agent. But none of this is Neal's fault, and Jedao doesn't like to bluff if he doesn't have to. Especially with a fellow fox likely to poke at it.]
we could save time if you'd just tell me the truth you know
no subject
He doesn't admit to either, however.]
Lord no, that wouldn't be like me at all.
no subject
[And Norton is one of a small handful of people on the ship who knows exactly how weighted a statement that is.]
is it that you'd like to hear my screams, or that i should stop wallowing
you do have to pick, because my balance is too shot to do both
no subject
no subject
no subject
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I imagine when you're less...like this...you'll realize how utterly ridiculous it is to say you'd rather risk hurting people than deal with your bloody issues.
[Is it hypocritical of Norton to say this? Probably, but that doesn't stop him.]
no subject
i would rather stab every person on this ship in the face myself than let eiffel wander around being happily mind-raped for however long it took the barge committee to gnaw its way through its own limb to an agreed-upon course of action, because it was "only his personality" and not a "real medical emergency"
[Which he would have thought Norton would understand. But even as bitter and vicious as he feels right now, he doesn't quite throw that in his face.]
you don't know me as well as you think you do. i deal with my bloody issues all the bloody time
i didn't stab myself because i was overcome with self-loathing. i stabbed myself because i was numb, focused on the extraction, and it seemed more efficient to just give neal what he was asking for
next time ill know better than to let him in the room in the first place
no subject
And if you'd really murder a ship full of people to save one person, maybe you need to reassess your qualifications for being a warden.
[He absolutely does not let himself think about all the people he led to their deaths to get Gideon back when he was taken over.]
no subject
but if i HAD talked to other people beforehand im fairly sure we'd have all come to the logical conclusion that it made sense to at least try to disable it with the smallest possible disturbance before jumping to invasive surgery with far more moving parts and more potential points of failure
i did think about my options. and the risks, and the death toll
[He thought about them very quickly, but that's what he does, in a crisis. It's what Jedao One did, too, not that he's thinking about that.]
i wasnt reckless. i was just mistaken
and im sorry that hurt eiffel, and im sorry it hurt neal too.
[But you're wrong about me - no. A real apology doesn't end with 'but' anything.]