I tried admitting Sebastian could be cruel -- as if anyone could possibly be stupid enough not to notice.
It's the only thing I said in the entire conversation that he believed.
[As much as the anger, and the skin-searingly hot chiles, are still spilling out of his mouth like pus from a lanced wound, that admission adds dry blackened fragments of twig to the fresh rain of chile flakes falling over their clasped hands. Worthless, useless: cheap trash with no flavor or nourishment, there by carelessness.
He can't believe he gave Malcolm even so much ammunition, and he's very sure it'll be thrown at Sebastian the next time they clash -- even your warden knows how irredeemable you are--
His shoulders hunch against the thought of it; he has to drag in a breath against the squeezing pain in his chest.]
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
[Jedao pulls him closer, into a full embrace, holds him tight and then strokes his back with one hand, nails firm up and down Hakkai's spine. He uses little flurries of mothpushes to sort out the chilis from the chaff and deliver it all to the counter safely.]
So you've tried. His failure to hear is his problem. And if he says a word to Sebastian about it I will kick his ass.
[With swords, maybe! Jedao has been trying to fight somebody for somebody's honor for months now. Let him be chivalrous.]
What do you want for Sebastian right now?
[This combination of steadfast and earnest produces dozens of little ceramic beads, pale porcelain with minutely painted designs. At first Jedao thinks he's made marbles, then realizes they're the exact size and weight as blind baking beads.]
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
If he says a word to Sebastian about it I will kick his ass.
[There's a low growl of fury in his tone; the scorpion peppers aren't entirely necessary as commentary, but they're appearing nonetheless.]
I want Sebastian to not feel as if he is on his own dealing with this situation. I want Sebastian to be able to follow my advice to not engage and let her warden handle it when she tries to provoke him, without being condescended to and blamed for the confrontation.
[He's letting Jedao hold him, curling into the embrace, until the moment those intense, earnest, tightly-packed-down intentions turn into a half-cup of fish sauce that splashes across both of their shirts. Hakkai jolts back with a startled yelp.]
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
[Hakkai closes his mouth firmly on anything else that might escape, offering Jedao a tight little bid through his obvious distress: yes. He would like water. And also -- he turns to pull open one of the cabinets, getting a proper large mixing bowl.
He's giving up on saving anything he makes from his words tonight. Muttered, once he has the bowl:]
It's not the worst flood, but--
[It's so inconvenient. And messy. He lets the cumin seed fall into the bottom of the mixing bowl as he sinks down to sit at the kitchen table, slumping with an air of defeat.]
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
"That might be easier," Hakkai admits with a slump of his shoulders; salt crystals melt against the washcloth as he wipes his face neatly and presses the washcloth against the stain on his own shirt.
That done, he reaches up to dab at the stain on Jedao's, smiling at him with tired affection.
He takes the bowl with him as he gets up to go to the couch, though. He's probably going to find himself getting annoyed enough to say something out loud.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
Hakkai curls in against him, fishing his communicator out of his pocket and settling it on his uppermost knee, turning it so Jedao can easily see the screen as he types.
I made Malcolm promise that he'd keep Kikimora away from Sebastian and respond immediately if Sebastian contacted him about her behavior.
But he outright told me that he thinks this is the only time Kikimora has tried to provoke Sebastian, and their last altercation was Sebastian's fault, to which this was a response.
I tried to explain why I thought Kikimora was repeatedly provoking him, but he told me I was arguing in bad faith and acting like Sebastian was an angel.
So I don't trust that he won't answer Sebastian's call for help and then berate Sebastian for it if Sebastian hasn't already been hurt. Am I supposed to tell Sebastian to trust someone who I don't?
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
Jedao takes it from Hakkai's hands and continues the message, unsent, since Hakkai made sure he can read it regardless; Hakkai can decide later if he wants to have a record of his thoughts or wipe it clean.
If you don't trust him, and you're already graduated, then obviously learning to do that isn't something Sebastian needs to be free.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
No. But encouraging Sebastian to put a table knife through one of Kikimora's eyes if she bothers him again isn't going to help him graduate either.
I think it matters that he feels valued. That he feels that people believe him -- not just me.
He shakes his head, the corner of his mouth compressing with genuine unhappiness. Malcolm may not know that his cruel dismissals of Sebastian matter. Malcolm may think that the two of them are fine because Sebastian has the self-control to speak to him calmly. But without exposing Sebastian's vulnerabilities to someone who's already used those vulnerabilities against him as cruelly as possible, Hakkai doesn't know how to make it clear to Malcolm that he's done harm.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
I value him, too. But outside the barge there are provocations and idiots with authority too, and you still generally should be selective about eye-stabbing.
Does he have any kind of powers that could
harmlessly, humiliatingly, pick her up and roll her out of his vicinity like an unruly armadillo
because if Malcolm doesn't want that to happen he can just get her to stop
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
No, his powers are much more like mine. He's strong, fast, physically very dangerous and resistant to harm....
He'd have to lay hands on her to roll her around. She'd use that as an excuse for violence and Malcolm would use it as an excuse to blame him for provoking her.
He slumps. It's possible that it's unfair to Malcolm to believe that; he hadn't tried to argue that Sebastian had provoked today's incident by asking Kikimora not to steal meat from the kitchens while taunting the employees who ask her to stop. But he'd been so focused on the idea that Sebastian must have been guilty last time.
The thing is, you see, he hasn't stabbed anyone. He has grabbed Kikimora by the wrist a few times and physically thrown her out of the dining hall once. He's been restraining himself.
He's trying, and if his trying gets him humiliated and condescended to by the Warden whose inmate is harassing him, I'm afraid he's going to change tactics.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
Well, if it's not working, then he should change tactics. We just have to give him better new tactics to try.
When your own skills aren't suited to resolving a situation, you find someone else who does have the right skills. If neither of you trusts Malcolm to respond to the situation productively when notified, then Sebastian should notify me instead, and I'll float her away.
If you think 'asking for help' is still too advanced for him, you could suggest he make a bargain with me about it. Exercises in taking the initiative in strictly tactical cooperation. And cooperation is just getting people to do what you want. If you think about it, it's just manipulation with fewer steps.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
Asking for help is hard for him. But I think he'd be very open to it in this situation. I told him to call Malcolm and not let Kikimora goad him, and he did that this time.
I'm considering speaking with Kikimora directly to help resolve the situation, to be honest.
He stares at the communicator for a long moment, tucking himself down against Jedao's shoulder, and then adds, long fingers flying over the keyboard:
I'm angry that Malcolm won't do his job and doesn't care. He can be worked around, but I'm still angry.
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Jedao leans his head on top of Hakkai's head, and he pauses for a little while before his own reply comes.
I think he does care, and is trying to do his job as he sees it. But that doesn't make it any less infuriating that his priorities are different and his choices have been harmful. You should be able to rely on him, and whether your fears about what he would do are true or not, the fact is that he's failed to earn your trust or allay those fears.
It sucks. I'm sorry.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
He certainly doesn't care about Sebastian. Kikimora, yes.
He's been tolerably clear about his opinions on Sebastian. He might think that none of those opinions count as ill will, but that's only because he's decided they're all objective facts.
Hakkai makes a grumbling noise deep in his throat, letting Jedao's head rest on his own, and leans into it despite his stiff-necked annoyance.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
Jedao pauses for a few moments, fingers still as he tries to phrase it right.
I think his bias is distorting his understanding of what's really happened, or could have happened. And that's difficult for anyone to break out of, unless they're willing to listen to outside voices.
And he generally isn't. That's on him.
There's more Jedao could say, but not without saying things that he feels Malcolm told him in confidence, rather than his own observations.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
I don't even know for certain that it's bias. I've asked him twice now why he thinks Kikimora wasn't deliberately provoking Sebastian last time, and explained why I think she was. Both times he told me that I was asking in bad faith, so he wouldn't tell me his reasons.
But it could be that he has better reasons.
He doubts it. If Malcolm had a good reason, Hakkai suspects he'd have given it: but maybe he genuinely assumed Hakkai's bad faith from the fact that he didn't agree without evidence.
With a sigh, he shakes his head, and types swiftly.
I don't think you and I can solve him between us.
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Hakkai nods, leaving the communicator to balance precariously on his knee as he turns to kiss Jedao, careful and sweet. He cups Jedao's cheek in his palm, every gesture I love you too.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
It's the only thing I said in the entire conversation that he believed.
[As much as the anger, and the skin-searingly hot chiles, are still spilling out of his mouth like pus from a lanced wound, that admission adds dry blackened fragments of twig to the fresh rain of chile flakes falling over their clasped hands. Worthless, useless: cheap trash with no flavor or nourishment, there by carelessness.
He can't believe he gave Malcolm even so much ammunition, and he's very sure it'll be thrown at Sebastian the next time they clash -- even your warden knows how irredeemable you are--
His shoulders hunch against the thought of it; he has to drag in a breath against the squeezing pain in his chest.]
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
So you've tried. His failure to hear is his problem. And if he says a word to Sebastian about it I will kick his ass.
[With swords, maybe! Jedao has been trying to fight somebody for somebody's honor for months now. Let him be chivalrous.]
What do you want for Sebastian right now?
[This combination of steadfast and earnest produces dozens of little ceramic beads, pale porcelain with minutely painted designs. At first Jedao thinks he's made marbles, then realizes they're the exact size and weight as blind baking beads.]
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
[There's a low growl of fury in his tone; the scorpion peppers aren't entirely necessary as commentary, but they're appearing nonetheless.]
I want Sebastian to not feel as if he is on his own dealing with this situation. I want Sebastian to be able to follow my advice to not engage and let her warden handle it when she tries to provoke him, without being condescended to and blamed for the confrontation.
[He's letting Jedao hold him, curling into the embrace, until the moment those intense, earnest, tightly-packed-down intentions turn into a half-cup of fish sauce that splashes across both of their shirts. Hakkai jolts back with a startled yelp.]
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
It's just clothes though, love. Would you like some water?
[Jedao reaches for him again, gently, shooing away the carved rosewood combs.]
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
He's giving up on saving anything he makes from his words tonight. Muttered, once he has the bowl:]
It's not the worst flood, but--
[It's so inconvenient. And messy. He lets the cumin seed fall into the bottom of the mixing bowl as he sinks down to sit at the kitchen table, slumping with an air of defeat.]
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
"We could sit on the couch together and use text on our communicators," Jedao suggests, creating a little carved wax candle.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
That done, he reaches up to dab at the stain on Jedao's, smiling at him with tired affection.
He takes the bowl with him as he gets up to go to the couch, though. He's probably going to find himself getting annoyed enough to say something out loud.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
I made Malcolm promise that he'd keep Kikimora away from Sebastian and respond immediately if Sebastian contacted him about her behavior.
But he outright told me that he thinks this is the only time Kikimora has tried to provoke Sebastian, and their last altercation was Sebastian's fault, to which this was a response.
I tried to explain why I thought Kikimora was repeatedly provoking him, but he told me I was arguing in bad faith and acting like Sebastian was an angel.
So I don't trust that he won't answer Sebastian's call for help and then berate Sebastian for it if Sebastian hasn't already been hurt. Am I supposed to tell Sebastian to trust someone who I don't?
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
If you don't trust him, and you're already graduated, then obviously learning to do that isn't something Sebastian needs to be free.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
I think it matters that he feels valued. That he feels that people believe him -- not just me.
He shakes his head, the corner of his mouth compressing with genuine unhappiness. Malcolm may not know that his cruel dismissals of Sebastian matter. Malcolm may think that the two of them are fine because Sebastian has the self-control to speak to him calmly. But without exposing Sebastian's vulnerabilities to someone who's already used those vulnerabilities against him as cruelly as possible, Hakkai doesn't know how to make it clear to Malcolm that he's done harm.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
Does he have any kind of powers that could
harmlessly, humiliatingly, pick her up and roll her out of his vicinity like an unruly armadillo
because if Malcolm doesn't want that to happen he can just get her to stop
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
No, his powers are much more like mine. He's strong, fast, physically very dangerous and resistant to harm....
He'd have to lay hands on her to roll her around. She'd use that as an excuse for violence and Malcolm would use it as an excuse to blame him for provoking her.
He slumps. It's possible that it's unfair to Malcolm to believe that; he hadn't tried to argue that Sebastian had provoked today's incident by asking Kikimora not to steal meat from the kitchens while taunting the employees who ask her to stop. But he'd been so focused on the idea that Sebastian must have been guilty last time.
The thing is, you see, he hasn't stabbed anyone. He has grabbed Kikimora by the wrist a few times and physically thrown her out of the dining hall once. He's been restraining himself.
He's trying, and if his trying gets him humiliated and condescended to by the Warden whose inmate is harassing him, I'm afraid he's going to change tactics.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
When your own skills aren't suited to resolving a situation, you find someone else who does have the right skills. If neither of you trusts Malcolm to respond to the situation productively when notified, then Sebastian should notify me instead, and I'll float her away.
If you think 'asking for help' is still too advanced for him, you could suggest he make a bargain with me about it. Exercises in taking the initiative in strictly tactical cooperation. And cooperation is just getting people to do what you want. If you think about it, it's just manipulation with fewer steps.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
I'm considering speaking with Kikimora directly to help resolve the situation, to be honest.
He stares at the communicator for a long moment, tucking himself down against Jedao's shoulder, and then adds, long fingers flying over the keyboard:
I'm angry that Malcolm won't do his job and doesn't care. He can be worked around, but I'm still angry.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
I think he does care, and is trying to do his job as he sees it. But that doesn't make it any less infuriating that his priorities are different and his choices have been harmful. You should be able to rely on him, and whether your fears about what he would do are true or not, the fact is that he's failed to earn your trust or allay those fears.
It sucks. I'm sorry.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
He's been tolerably clear about his opinions on Sebastian. He might think that none of those opinions count as ill will, but that's only because he's decided they're all objective facts.
Hakkai makes a grumbling noise deep in his throat, letting Jedao's head rest on his own, and leans into it despite his stiff-necked annoyance.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
I think he cares about...resolving the situation fairly. But not about Sebastian, no. And I don't think he's competent enough to overcome his bias.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
Fair is not the same as "equal blame." I don't know if that's bias or careless thinking.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
Jedao pauses for a few moments, fingers still as he tries to phrase it right.
I think his bias is distorting his understanding of what's really happened, or could have happened. And that's difficult for anyone to break out of, unless they're willing to listen to outside voices.
And he generally isn't. That's on him.
There's more Jedao could say, but not without saying things that he feels Malcolm told him in confidence, rather than his own observations.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
But it could be that he has better reasons.
He doubts it. If Malcolm had a good reason, Hakkai suspects he'd have given it: but maybe he genuinely assumed Hakkai's bad faith from the fact that he didn't agree without evidence.
With a sigh, he shakes his head, and types swiftly.
I don't think you and I can solve him between us.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
That's a promise.
Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood
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Re: towards the end of the Sticks and Stones flood