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[deuceoftears]

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[reformedsinner]

"... if you tell me sometime what bothers you about food," Gonou murmurs between bites, briefly distracted, "I'd like to see if I can come up with a way to make something you won't hate?"

He hasn't brought it up since the first time Jedao said no, but - well. They do know each other much better now.

[deuceoftears]

Jedao shrugs.

"It just all tastes bad. There's this horrible metallic taste that clashes with everything. Which is a fun reminder of how I'm - you know." Not human. Made wrong.

"I'm probably supposed to be eating space algae or something," he muses, pushing chunks of chicken around his plate moodily. "But I do need protein to not die and regular food seems to work, so."

[reformedsinner]

At least being youkai didn't take his sense of normal taste from him, Gonou reflects, and narrows his eyes thoughtfully.

"I'll bother you with a few questions later," he says: things like whether it's better to have little taste but interesting texture, strong taste to overcome the metallic flavor, or just something he can pour down his throat as fast as possible and get it over with.

"But not now," he adds, with a slight increase in pressure of his knee against Jedao's, and returns his attention to the food, finishing as quickly as he can.

[deuceoftears]

Jedao gives him a grateful smile, before scarfing down the rest of his food in earnest, with a kind of stoic efficiency that cleans his plate in a matter of minutes.

“...now?” he asks, hopeful but uncertain, as if Gonou might insist he get seconds first.

[reformedsinner]

"What, no dessert?" Gonou says, teasing, and bumps his knee against Jedao's. "-- yes, now. Shall we?" He stacks their trays with a few quick motions and holds his hand out to Jedao to take.

[deuceoftears]

Jedao smiles brighter as he takes Gonou's hand again.

"I want you to know I'm resisting the obvious," he says loftily. "Because you're much better."

[reformedsinner]

"Mm, I'd be flattered," Gonou says, giving Jedao's hand a little squeeze, "except I think that bar is low."

And, with a sidelong glance that's impishly bright, he adds, "How much better?"

The floor is open for flattery.

[deuceoftears]

"I don't have any bars that aren't too low," Jedao muses after a few moments, quiet and a little sheepish, shrugging one shoulder. "No one's ever made me happy like you do."

[reformedsinner]

Gonou very nearly trips over his own feet at the force with which that comment lands; after the brief stumble, he squeezes Jedao's hand, hard.

"--you are wonderful," he says, quiet but fierce. Jedao deserves every happiness in the world, and Gonou wants to give him as much as he can.

[deuceoftears]

"Please don't fall over," Jedao murmurs, squeezing back, his ears gone pink. "If you hurt your ribs worse and we have to wait more I might get a complex about it."

It's no getting shipped to the Galley, but at some point he will start to wonder if he's cursed.

[reformedsinner]

"I do heal faster than I used to," Gonou offers, brightly helpful, "but don't worry, I'm very nimble. Even if sometimes you say things that are too much for my heart...."

His cabin is only down a few flights of stairs from the dining hall, in exactly the old place where it had been before, the scarred wooden door just the same except for a few new vine fragments still clinging to the bottom corner. He finds the key in his pocket, unlocks it, and pushes it open.

[deuceoftears]

"It's true," Jedao insists, unrepentently, cranking the earnestness up to absurd, nigh twee levels. "I've just had a very stressful life."

[reformedsinner]

"I know," Gonou says, blinking back at him with disingenuous innocence, and tugs on his hand, pulling him through the door before he leans down for a lingering kiss.

"--It makes me want to spoil you."

[deuceoftears]

Jedao opens into it like he always does, easy and artless, a deep yearning hunger paired with a bone-deep shyness of being too aggressive, that yields and yields, hoping and asking instead of pushing for more.

"I feel very spoiled," Jedao promises in a breathless moment.

[reformedsinner]

"Good," Gonou murmurs, low and intense, and pushes for a little more, kissing Jedao harder for the space of a breath before he pulls away with a scrape of teeth against his lower lip.

"May I take your shirt off?" he murmurs, and drops another kiss, a chaste little brush of lips, against the tip of Jedao's nose.

[deuceoftears]

Jedao whines softly at the hint of Gonou's teeth, which turns into a wordless muffled squawk of embarrassment at the kiss to his nose, although he doesn't try to turn away.

"Yes?" And then, after a moment, "Only if it won't hurt."

[reformedsinner]

"If it hurts I'll ask you for help," Gonou promises, sliding his hands up under the hem of Jedao's shirt until his fingers brush against skin, and working it slowly up. With a wicked flicker of a grin, he kisses Jedao's nose again, keeping the movements of his hands slow enough that it doesn't cause any sudden twinges to his still-spectacular bruises.

Any teasing effect is entirely secondary.

[deuceoftears]

Jedao huffs out a breath of exasperation at the second nose kiss, but his eyes are crinkled at the corners and he can't stop grinning.

He sways lightly into it, shivering, just letting himself feel being touched, savoring the moment. His chest is a ruin of overlapping scars that he doesn't like to think about, but that's easy to drown out, his own blood pounding in his ears, his breath coming quick and light, overwhelmingly aware of Gonou's hands.

"I love your hands," he murmurs, blush spreading to his cheeks.

[reformedsinner]

Gonou flinches, hard, and curls forward to hide his face in the soft fabric at Jedao's shoulder for a long minutes.

-- I love your hands, Gonou--

They almost overlap in his mind, in his ears, Jedao's voice and Kanan's on those words: and he's achingly aware of how much blood there is on those hands. A thousand youkai, maybe two dozen human lives. He's bathed in it.

His fingers are stark-still on Jedao's ribs as he breathes through the shock.

[deuceoftears]

"Hey," Jedao says softly, reaching forward to grip Gonou's elbows, nudging him a little towards the bed, as regrettably the most convenient furniture.

"Why don't we go sit down, okay? Have some water, maybe."

[reformedsinner]

"It's all right," Gonou mutters, and takes a deep breath; he resists the gentle nudge for a moment before letting Jedao walk him back towards the bed. "Anything but my hands?" he says at last, and folds down to sit on the mattress, looking up at Jedao as he shakes off the initial shock.

[deuceoftears]

Jedao stays standing at first, running his fingers gently and steadily through Gonou's hair.

"Mmm. I love the angles of you. Your shoulders and your eyebrows. Your collarbone, under all the bruises. I love the way your nose scrunches up when you laugh, and the way you stick your tongue out just a tiny bit sometimes when you're knitting, and the way your voice gets when you're teasing someone."

He drops a soft, try kiss on Gonou's forehead before sitting down next to him, legs touching side to side, but not reaching for anything else.

"It doesn't have to be all right. We have time."

[reformedsinner]

"I don't want it not to be okay," Gonou says quietly, "every time I trip on something."

Because it's going to happen, he suspects. And he's afraid of giving it too much weight when it happens, afraid of letting nostalgia turn into a terrible minefield where a foot put wrong derails everything.

Voice dropping almost until it's inaudible, he adds, "It's what Kanan used to say to me. So-- anything but hands is fine."

And, very carefully, he turns towards Jedao to offer a cautious, gentle kiss.

[deuceoftears]

Jedao kisses back, and he reaches out to cup Gonou's jaw, although he doesn't let himself get lost in the kiss, this time around.

"This time isn't every time, it's just this time," Jedao points out. "And if you push yourself to be with me because you want it to be okay when you're really not, I -" His voice cracks, just a little. He takes a small, fortifying breath.

"I can't handle that. You can do anything you want to me, except that."

[reformedsinner]

"It could get too heavy, if I let it," Gonou whispers to him, turning his face into Jedao's hand, and lets his eye flutter briefly shut. "I want to..."

It's hard to find the right words, and he struggles for a moment before finding, "...teach myself it doesn't have to be heavy."

His eye opens, gaze flicking over to meet Jedao's, and he manages a small smile.

"Kiss me," he says softly. "Just that, for a while. Let it be something I'm strong enough to carry."

It's something he'll always carry, he thinks. But it doesn't have to crush him, if he learns how to carry it.